The weight. The dread. Everything that’s been pulling me down for the last several months. In that magical moment, it’s all gone. All I feel is warmth, and bliss, and?—
Something else that’s deeply familiar yet brand new. In that moment, listening to the notes engulfing me, I’m thirteen again, buried in Logan’s arms, never wanting to let go.
Too soon, the song ends and brings me back to the present moment as everyone in the restaurant claps. I shake myself off and join them enthusiastically, still not looking away from Logan.
That’s when he turns around and looks straight at me. He’s absolutely beaming. My insides go fuzzy.
What is happening to me?
CHAPTER8
Istill haven’t broken the gaze between us when the same old man who interrupted our meal exclaims:
“One more!”
Logan looks at the man, then back at me, as if asking for permission. I blink a few times, still dazed by everything that just went through my head, and then give him a nonchalant nod and mouth, “Go ahead.”
Before I know it, he begins playing again, this time with Adele’sSet Fire to the Rain. While it’s not my favourite, it is another song that’s dear to me, and I’m beginning to wonder if Logan has done more sleuthing on me than I first thought.
After all, if I kept up with what he’s been doing all these years, wouldn’t it stand to reason that he’d do the same?
But that’s not what I should be thinking about. What I should be thinking about is the way his music is making me feel.
I don’t dare put any words to the way my insides are turning to jelly. Because this is new. Well—newis one way to put it. I did feel this pull, this full-body tingle, a few other times when we were younger. One time, I’d run to his house, absolutely destroyed about the fact my dad would miss graduation. He’d held me so tight, and I’d felt it then. What I’m feeling now.
And there was graduation night.
But I can’t entertain this. Logan was my best friend. That was it. Right? And he could become my best friend again if circumstances are right. I know it sounds cliché to say, but I don’t have many friends, so the last thing I want is to lose him.
And even if I were to explore what I’m feeling … I don’t know if I’d be ready to relocate to San Francisco to pursue anything more. I can’t ask Logan to move to Montreal. His career is over there. Maybe I could move someday, but certainly not right now, especially while I’m still confused.
But those aren’t the only reasons I can’t entertain this thought.
I think of my dad and Jasper and feel my heart sink. For some reason, I wasn’t good enough for Jasper. And even my own dad, who’s supposed to be there for me when shit hits the fan … even he won’t talk to his own daughter.
It’s not like the rest of my life with him was different. He was always travelling for work and gone for extended periods of time—months, even. The longest I remember him being gone was four months, but two to three months wasn’t uncommon. Then he’d come back for two weeks, and I’d finally get to see him until he left again for another two months at least.
When we were living it, I at least consoled myself with the fact that he was doing this to provide for us. He did it because the job demanded it. And I believed that for a long time. But I still remember the pang of horror I felt when Mom told me the truth about his work trips.
I’d been at Mom’s tiny new apartment soon after Dad had left her, sipping some tea with her at the dingy dinner table she’d gotten off Craigslist. This was a few months after the worst of the pain had ebbed through her, and I did my best to spend as much time as I could with her so she didn’t have to be alone. At that point, she’d still been a bit raw about the topic of Dad.
Which is exactly why I should have avoided that topic, but somehow, there I was, talking about him.
“I still don’t understand why Dad didn’t complain to the company when they sent him away for so long.” I’d sighed in between two sips of tea. Right away, Mom’s face had shifted. I couldn’t tell if the look on her face was anger, pity, or both. “What?”
“You’ve got it the other way around, honey.” She’d huffed and looked out the window, a fire lit in her eyes. “You know the usual shifts they did here. 14-14, 7-7, 4-3, or 30-14 at worst. Do you really think they would have forced your father to leave for ninety whole days at a time and only take two weeks off in between?”
Dread had crawled through me like a viper. “What do you mean?”
She’d rolled her eyes and scoffed. “It was always him. He loves you, and I’m pretty sure he loved me, too.” Her eyes had gone watery. “But I know he never felt at ease in this kind of life. This sedentary family life. It restricted him from the ability to go wherever he wanted to, because I never wanted to uproot your life every year. It’s like we trapped him or choked him. So, of course, he insisted they keep him away longer so he could help out. The company was just glad they could get more man-hours out of him, and he was happy in that role. Now he’s exactly where he always wanted to be.”
I’m reliving the same horrible, sinking feeling as I think back to that moment of realization while Adele’s haunting piano notes still ring in my ear. The overstuffed restaurant booth is about to swallow me whole.
I can’t do this with Logan. Because I can’t stand being not good enough for someone so important to me. Not again.
But I can behave. I’ve done it before. Before Jasper, there was this cute college professor I couldn’t stop thinking about with the dimples of a Greek god. Completely inappropriate. And that’s why I never pursued him.
So I can do this. I can do friends.
