That’s a nice improvement over the admonishing. I walk to the kitchen and after pouring myself a glass of the good stuff, I sit on a stool by the island and wait.
I hear Bubba first, the sounds of his heavy paws echoing in the large home. Then I see the precious wrinkles rushing into the kitchen to shove his head in my lap. I hope his owner has this excited a reaction to seeing me after the way I left.
I scratch Bubba behind the ears and he slowly moves so his butt is in front of me. I take the hint and scratch the sides of his rear for him.
“Where’s your brother?” I ask in the universal tone reserved for babies and puppies and annoying Priya when she’s on deadlines.
“I’m right here.” A gravelly, sleep-roughened voice reminds me that I’m interrupting everyone’s night.
Beau is leaning against the door frame, hands in his pajama pant pockets. He looks just as good as I remember him, with his shirt stretching along those muscles forged by the farm right outside. Probably doing it on purpose, to give me a taste of what I’m missing.
It’s cold, but I deserve it.
“Hi.” I slowly straighten and Bubba knocks his head into my hand, wondering what could be more important than scratching his head.
Only the rest of my life, you adorable puppy. Still, he’s tall enough that I can talk and scratch.
“Hi.” Beau is talking to me, but he doesn’t run to sweep me up in his arms. Again, deserved. But I’m still allowed to dream. “I didn’t expect to see you in South Carolina so soon. Or at all.”
“Yes. Well, the Christmas sale was tonight, and it went really well...”
Bubba can tell this conversation is going to be boring, so he abandons me to chew on a bone in the corner.
“That’s good. I know you were worried about that.”
Okay. Here goes. Deep breath. “And also when I left here I sort of went to India instead of New York and I confronted my parents because your parents are so amazing. This trip made me want to work on my relationship with mine, and that went well. And I’ve started therapy, because even though I knew my childhood affected me I thought I had it under control. But then I panicked at the Christmas parade and ran away, so I realized that I might not be as okay as I thought and everyone can use a little help.” I take another deep breath. “And anyway, I was an asshole. To you. I apologize for that. And for the aforementioned running.”
Beau blinks slowly and takes his hands out of his pockets. His mouth is open slightly like he’s getting ready to respond but doesn’t quite know what to say.
Or which part to respond to first.
How do you think I feel? This is my life. But I did have longer to process this, so I can’t be impatient. Well, I can and will be impatient on the inside, but I really should let him take as long as he needs on the outside.
“You’ve been busy.” Beau finally responds but stays rooted in the spot like he’s been cemented in place right in the middle of the hallway.
He wants more. And he deserves more. I was hoping to avoid having to layallmy vulnerabilities on the table, but Beau is still standing in the doorway to the kitchen and I’m still planted by this kitchen island. Not ideal geography.
I look down at the counter so I don’t have to look at him when I say the next part, the part that digs even deeper into me.
“You make me so happy. But I was scared, because I didn’t know how to deal with the fact that our lives are in different places, and that means one of us has to give something up or I have to watch you walk away, or I’ll be the one walking, again and again after short visits. And I didn’t think I could do that after watching my parents leave all those times. But the alternative has been worse. So if you’ll have me, I want to try. I can’t promise that I won’t get scared again, but Ireallywant to try for you.Withyou.”
Okay. I think that’s it. I have nothing else I can share with him. It would be nice to see how he’s reacting to the news, but that’s hard since I refuse to look up from my glass of sweet tea.
I hear footsteps and hope it’s not just Bubba moving around me. I breathe out a little in relief when I see Beau’s pale feet come into my peripheral vision.
I never thought I would be so happy to see feet.
Beau sits down on the seat next to me and lets out a deep sigh. Is that an “I’m done with you” sigh? Or a “You kook, oh the shenanigans you’ll take me on for the rest of our lives together” sigh?
Because I can’t tell.
“Can you look at me?” he asks.
Does he want to see me when he delivers the final, devastating shot? He doesn’t have a sadistic streak in him, does he? This is the worst. I’m never going to be in the wrong again if it means I’m going to have to grovel like this.
“Sonia?” Beau tries to get my attention again. I look in his direction because the way he says my name causes every butterfly in me to flutter all their wings, causing a mini hurricane in my stomach.
“Yes.” I begrudgingly raise my head higher and look straight at his collarbone.
