I was in the palace once more. My massive four-poster bed stood tall in the middle of the room, the curtains hanging about the aged wood a bright red with gold trim. From this angle Icould spy the luggage I’d once used, still packed, so I must have just arrived. Sitting up, I checked my hands, but I wore no signet ring on any of my fingers. I hadn’t been adopted into the royal family yet. Good.
For one raw moment, I sat there in disbelief.
I’d done it. I’d come back to the past. Sheer relief left me lightheaded. I had a chance to do this over, to do this right, without sacrificing the wrong thing for the right reasons.
Edwin.
I jumped out of bed and ran for the door, all other thoughts gone. I had no guards yet, no retainers, so no one questioned or stopped me as I left my room. What a blessing to have privacy. I didn’t want anyone watching me for this.
At the thought of seeing my Edwin again, my perforated heart started bleeding anew, the protective numbness gone. My thoughts became a litany of vows.
Edwin, Edwin, Edwin. There’s nothing more important than you and I’m sorry, so sorry, that I never acted like it. I’m so sorry you died without realizing how I loved you. How you were very much my world. I honestly believed we had more time together. I’ll protect you this go-around, I swear. You won’t be in danger ever again. I love you.I love you.And this time, I’ll tell you. This time, I won’t marry that bitch. I’ll marry you. We’ll court, and I’ll show you my heart, and we’ll live our lives out together. That damn Demon King won’t kill me this time either, because I’ll put up a proper defense. Before, I couldn’t. My heart just didn’t have it in me. I’d no will to live after I heard you were gone. What is the point of life without you by my side?
This time, though? This time I’ll make sure we both live.
Knowing Edwin as well as I did, I could guess where he’d be. The large grandfather clock sitting at the end of the carpeted hallway proclaimed it eleven in the morning, so Edwin was likely in the courtyard off the palace kitchens, having an early lunch aswas his wont. I practically flew down the hallways and two sets of stairs, then crossed nearly to the opposite side of the palace before I spotted him.
There he was, in his usual spot, sitting under the shade of an apple tree with his lunch in front of him and a book in his free hand. My Edwin loved to eat and read. Seeing him sitting there, breathing, doing something so utterly normal—I just about wept in relief. My knees actually felt weak for a moment, and I had to lean against a wall to keep from collapsing.
The eve of battle with the Demon King, I’d received word Edwin had been murdered. I’d wanted nothing more than to drop everything and race to his side—and hadn’t been able to because the Demon King’s army was breathing down our necks. I went into that battle utterly shattered and with no will to live. It was a miracle I’d killed the fucking king, honestly, as I’d done little more than pray for my own demise to end the pain.
I’d bartered with an angel and given up a promised Paradise for this man, and now I could only bask in my victory. Just seeing him, alive and well, made everything worth it.
Look at him. He was like a still life. He’d always dismissed it when I’d called him a beautiful man, but no one else could compare. His black hair, ruthlessly waxed into place, lay in a swoop, keeping it off his forehead. The effect gave him a rather dashing look, as if the cool spring wind had arranged his hair just so. On his patrician straight nose perched thick, square glasses. He sat under the shade of the tree like this because his fair skin could burn to a crisp at a moment’s notice, but I blessed the breeze that moved the shade off him from time to time, letting glimmers of light play over his skin like a caress.
To the outside world, Edwin might only be classically all right looking, with no true beauty. If they knew this man’s soul, his heart, like I did, they’d never think that. His intellect alone put most of the world to shame.
Watching him from the archway of a door, I felt my heart twist and lurch in my breast. I longed so much to touch him. Wanted so badly to swoop in and embrace him and never let go. I couldn’t. My heart broke all over again, but my rational mind insisted acting upon my emotions would be a mistake. And I knew it to be right. Even before my death, we were never lovers. I’d never been given the chance to act upon my feelings. By the time I’d realized I was in love with him, I’d already been engaged to Valentina. I couldn’t bear to treat Edwin like a kept man. He was worth so much more than that.
Edwin had been steadfast, a permanent fixture at my side, right up until his death. There had never been talk of someone else while he’d served me. I truly didn’t know for sure, but I strongly suspected he’d loved me as I loved him. I regretted, so much, never asking him. Never taking that last step between us. He’d known my marriage with Valentina had been political only, and honestly, I’d been on the brink of divorce. Would it have been so wrong to reach out to him before divorcing her?
I didn’t know anymore.
I couldn’t even remember the last thing we’d said to each other. We’d been on the front lines, him on the back side of the camp, as he wasn’t a combatant. I’d checked in with him right before dinner, our conversation likely something logistical and banal, because I had no recollection of it at all. That strangely hurt me even now, not being able to remember—like a knife to the heart.
He’d have no memory of the conversation, ever, so dwelling on it was pointless. I had a fresh start, and I needed to focus on the future more than anything. Right now, Edwin and I were strangers. He’d be alarmed—and rightfully so—if some wild man hugged him out of nowhere. I could not act on my heart, much as I yearned to. Every part of my being wanted nothing more than Edwin, but I’d set us off on the wrong footing if I acted on myimpulse. For once, I wanted to dorightby Edwin, and I couldn’t until we were introduced again in this life.
Still, I couldn’t force myself to leave. I stayed there, in the shadow of the outside hallway, and watched. He loved to read, my Edwin. He was no doubt reading one of those fantasy romance novels he indulged in. My eyes roved over him, again and again, reassuring me he was indeed alive and well. Bit by bit, my composure returned, my heartache retreating.
I had so many regrets with Edwin, things I wished I’d done or said. Moments when I should have indulged him instead of sticking to some schedule. I wished I’d paid better attention to him, day to day, and treated time as preciously as it was. I wished I’d been more patient, not so quick to upset. This life wasn’t just about achieving Paradise and saving a country. It was my chance to properly love this man and have no regrets about how I treated him.
Like a promise, I murmured, “I will not make the same mistakes with you. You and I will die as wrinkly old men after spending a lifetime together. We’ll go to Paradise hand in hand. I promise you this.”
Eventually, the lunch hour ended and Edwin got up and retreated into the kitchens. He’d no doubt return to the office shortly—a place where I couldn’t follow him, at least not yet.
Highly reluctant but secure in the knowledge that I’d officially meet him later this afternoon, I retraced my steps to my room, planning and scheming as I walked. How to gain Edwin’s heart? I must do it quickly. My own impatience demanded such, but I wanted to secure his affections before all hell broke loose. As it would. I was determined to marry this man before someone could try and force me into another political marriage.
Edwin’s love language was acts of service, as was mine, and I knew of several things I’d done before our deaths that he’d appreciated. I’d start there immediately. Not having courted himpreviously, I wasn’t entirely sure how to win him over, but I trusted my sincerity and determination would do the trick.
Upon reaching my room, I detoured to the large standing mirror in the corner. The stress of being king, of fighting a battle against a resurrected demon king, had taken its toll on me. I’d started losing hair in my mid-thirties and developed lines of worry and stress around my eyes and mouth that had aged me another decade—none of which were visible now on my twenty-seven-year-old self.
The sides of my platinum hair were shaved to a close crop, the rest pulled back from my forehead in a loose ponytail that hit the collar. I’d almost forgotten about wearing my hair like this. Honestly, I had rather missed it, too.
It delighted me to return to a time when I was in my prime health. I had quite the tan, too, from my recent sea voyage. The golden hue set off my platinum hair, as well as the emerald green eyes my mother had passed on to me.
Hopefully I was handsome enough to turn Edwin’s head.
Grinning at my reflection, I felt happier and more hopeful than I could ever remember being. That said, a mountain of work needed to be done to prevent the tragedies looming on the horizon.
