I’d had a chance at a man who matched the picture in my head. The great on paper guy. John would always look perfect in any situation. And he’d expect me to look perfect too. There wasn’t anything wrong with that, but despite my previous thoughts, it wasn’t inherently right either. I couldn’t imagine a man like John letting me sweat out a fever with my head on his chest while we spent the day watching romantic comedies. He’d hire out whatever he thought I needed, make sure I was cared for by someone other than him, and get on about his world domination plans, making space for me again when I was well enough to stand beside him.
It didn’t make him a bad person. It just made him the wrong person for me. I didn’t know if Jake was the right person or if that was even an option anymore. Kindra was right. “Opposites attract” was messy in real life and there were things I didn’t know if I could live with. But no matter what else happened, I needed Jake to know I respected him.
Ilocked the door and slid the bolt home before crossing to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of water. We’d splurged on celebratory cocktails and wine at lunch. I’d had just enough to drink to make me aware of the importance of hydration, but not enough to diminish the shame I felt when I thought of Jake. It was different than the embarrassment I’d felt at getting sick on him. Because this time it was definitely my fault.
ME
I overstepped. I’m sorry if I made you feel like you couldn’t handle your shit. I know nothing is further from the truth. I let my own insecurities get in the way. If I made you feel small, I am so sorry. I know you are amazing.
ME
If you really are just busy, ignore me. Except the part about you being amazing. That’s true either way.
I sent the texts and set the phone on my kitchen counter. I hadn’t mentioned my non-break-up to Alex and thankfully Kindra hadn’t hinted at anything either. It didn’t stop Jake from taking up all the space at the front of my head.
I couldn’t tell you what we’d talked about. I spent all afternoon coming up with articulate apologies for my couture overreach. In the end, I’d word vomited—apparently a recurring theme—a text apology as soon as I got home.
I expected to feel better once I sent it. I didn’t. I’d had hours to think about how I must have made Jake feel and I hated that I’d turned into one more person who made him feel incompetent. He’d never made me feel anything but brilliant. Beautiful. Sexy. Even when my outward appearance clearly indicated otherwise.
He’d been a balm to my ego from the beginning. It’s why I’d started to reach out more often and after my other disappointing dates. I could count on Jake to make me feel better about myself. I’d been able to count on him for a lot more than that.
All he’d gotten in exchange was some adventurous sex and one more person who reinforced that he somehow wasn’t enough.
I finished and refilled my water, hoping the phone would buzz with his reply. When it didn’t, I took the glass and headed downstairs to work. Alone and pretty sure good-on-paper wasn’t going to work for me again, if it ever had, and scared that I wasn’t going to be the one who got to make the choice.
31
In the end, I’d opted for being chicken shit. Even Brick seemed to sense my retreat, not judging me exactly but staying close to me, as if he could sense I might need him.
I’d sent the text cancelling on Elena, turned down the ringer on my phone and settled in to work on an amino acid mapping project. Brick settled himself under my desk—the desk I’d fucked Elena against the time when everything changed for me—and rested his head on my foot. I tried to push back against thoughts of the woman who still took up all the available space at the front of my brain and started to outline the programming.
I managed a solid three hours before surrendering to the need to get out of my place and out of my head. I glanced at my phone long enough to see a text from my sister reminding me of my agreement to stay with my nephews and another admonishment not to let anyone end up in Urgent Care. She didn’t ask what I’d decided about the party, but I was sure that had more to do with her certainty that she’d get more information out of me in person than her lack of interest.
I thought about telling her I’d cancelled, and my chest tightened uncomfortably. The part that intuitively understood the difference between self-preservation and boundaries and being a chicken shit. I’d let myself imagine a relationship withElena, and the first time we’d hit a conflict, I bolted. I didn’t bother to talk things out with her or even try to make her understand. She wasn’t one of the teachers who didn’t believe in me, and I wasn’t in high school anymore. If I wanted something different than I’d had in the past, I needed to do something different.
Brick nudged my leg, as eager as me for a change of scenery. I reached for his leash, thinking about how much my life had changed—for the better—since I got him and how much time I’d wasted being afraid of the responsibility of having a living thing to take care of. Watching him pant up at me with doggy devotion, it seemed ridiculous to think I could have ever forgotten to take care of him or that he’d have let me.
Elena helped me see that—to know I was capable of taking care of another living thing. She’d trusted me to take care of her. First sexually with her surrender and then later when she got sick. She never questioned whether I could do it; she simply assumed I would.
I led Brick onto the elevator and out through the parking garage to the sidewalk. The first couple of times we’d done it, he’d alternated between plastering himself against my leg and hunching his shoulders as if he feared the ceiling might crash down on him. He still stayed close to me in the elevator, but the hunch was gone. I had no doubt, given time, he’d be doggy swaggering through the garage.
We walked a couple of blocks to warm up and then picked things up to a steady run. The dog was a natural, and by the time we crossed Canal, we’d hit our rhythm. We stopped at one of the food carts at the edge of the park, and Brick plonked his butt down next to me, looking a lot less winded than I felt. I ordered pulled pork sandwiches and water for both of us and took the bag to one of the benches lining the walkway.
Brick polished off his water and sandwich before I’d made a dent in mine. Ignoring his pleading doggy eyes, I took a bite of my barbeque and scrolled to my messages. I read the ones from Elena twice and smiled. Not the great big smile of someone who was happy with the way his world was going, but a smaller one because I thought she was awesome too.
That didn’t change the fundamental problem of my inability to close a goddamn cabinet door and her need for order. I could get over the stuff with the clothes. She’d apologized, which might not have been strictly necessary but took the sting out of things. But it didn’t change the rest. I had no idea how to turn this thing between us with all the differences and potential dragons into a functioning relationship. Not without us ending up resenting each other for being who we were.
And as much as I hated it, I couldn’t go back to the way things were. The sex with no strings attached—regardless of how earth-shatteringly good—wouldn’t satisfy me now that I’d had a taste of more. Sex couldn’t come with no strings attached because I’d foolishly let my heart get all tied up in her.
Brick rested his head on my thigh, either in solidarity or in an attempt to get closer to my sandwich. I stroked his head for a moment, glad he was there and I didn’t have to go home to an empty house, especially if I was going to lose my friend with benefits. Even thinking of Elena like that felt wrong, which was further proof that my heart couldn’t go back to the way things were. But I wasn’t about to ghost her either. I fed the dog my last bite of pork and slid my thumb across the screen to start a text.
ME
Apology accepted but not really necessary. I know you were trying to make things easier for me. No harm; no foul.
The three dots started moving right away, as if she’d been staring at the phone waiting for me to respond.
ELENA
