“Very cool,” said Alex.
“Is he close to his family?” asked Meredith.
“Very. Especially his mom. They talk every week, and he’s got a sister.” I left out the part about his mom helping him learn to manage his ADHD. It didn’t seem like it was my place to tell it.
“He sounds fantastic.” Kindra took a sip of her coffee, studying me for a moment. Then she asked the question I didn’twant to answer. “Why was he a friends-with-benefits guy instead of a guy you were dating?”
“I assumed he wasn’t relationship material.” That felt like the sanitized version. The one that didn’t make me look like too much of an asshole. “We met online and both had the equivalent of friends with benefits in our profiles. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I have another profile for that. I just wanted someone to help take the edge off without the pressure of a relationship.”
“Yeah, okay, I get that,” said Alex. “But you guys obviously hit it off. What made you sure he couldn’t be more?”
I thought about the first time I met Jake. The broken couch and the packages sitting by the door. The overall disorder. His place wasn’t filthy. It had never been dirty. I knew Anna took care of that now, but at the time I hadn’t even considered what it would be like to date a man who lived like that. It was so far out of the question; it seemed impossible. Weighed against all the good things he’d done for me, the reasons felt kind of thin but that didn’t mean they weren’t real.
“He’s sloppy—not dirty—nothing gross. His hygiene is fine. Better than fine,” I said, remembering my almost Pavlovian response to Jake’s soap and shower gel scent. “He’s just not organized. He wears board shorts and worn-out T-shirts. I’ve only ever seen him with shoes on once.” The time we played slutty secretary and my skin flushed at the memory, at the way he’d given me exactly what I asked him for.
“Okay, but you guys have never gone out on an actual date, right?” asked Charlotte. “Presumably, he wears shoes in public.”
“Of course.” At least I assumed so. My friends watched me as if I’d lost the larger thread, and I tried to figure out how to explain my reservations. The reservations I still had, if I was being honest with myself.
“He’s got a housekeeper to help keep his house in a semblance of order, but without her, things would fall apart. He drops his clothing wherever he takes it off. He leaves the cabinet doors open after he gets something out of them. If he gets a package, he opens it, takes out what he needs, and lets the rest just sit wherever it lands. It’s like his brain is too full to see the obvious things in front of him.” I sped up as I spoke and by the end, I was waving my hand over an imaginary mess and feeling miserable about all of it. “I don’t know how I’d ever live that way.”
“Maybe it doesn’t have to be that way,” Alex started, but Charlotte held up a hand to stop her.
“I know you are not proposing she go into a relationship intending to change a man.” Charlotte set her cup on its saucer and leaned forward. “Or that our smart, talented friend who thrives on order and creating beautiful spaces lowers her standards to accommodate a partner.”
“No.” A crease formed between Alex’s brows, and I felt her conflict. “Not exactly. I just thought there might be a compromise kind of place where they could both get some of what they need.”
“Did you settle forsomeof what you need with Erik? Am I supposed to settle forsomeof what I need from Ford? Is he supposed to settle with me?”
“No,” said Alex, her voice firm with conviction.
“Exactly.” Charlotte nodded, her point made. In a courtroom, it would have been where the prosecution rested, secure in victory.
Meredith and Kindra watched the back-and-forth like spectators at a relationship table tennis match. I sat back, grateful that for the moment at least, my friends were wrestling with each other and not focusing on me, and miserable becauseCharlotte nailed the thing I couldn’t figure out how to get around.
“That might be what scares me most about asking Ford to marry me.” Charlotte’s voice sounded uncharacteristically small as she leaned against her chair. “Marriage is hard. Even the ones that seem perfect fail. How are you supposed to make it work without giving up yourself? How do you love someone the way they deserve and not lose yourself in the process? I know we’ve moved past the two halves become one thing, but how do two people with careers that matter to them and rich, full lives, come together to make and take care of this new thing—this new family—without sacrificing the rest?”
Meredith leaned forward and then sat back again without saying anything. Charlotte looked the way I felt—a bit queasy—and the silence stretched between us. I glanced at Kindra, hoping our relationship expert might have a solution, but she sipped her coffee, seemingly lost in her own thoughts.
“What if it’s not about losing things,” said Alex, breaking the silence. “What if it’s about what you gain? I’m stronger when I partner with Erik. I don’t need him to complete me, but my life is infinitely richer with him. You both have to set boundaries—the things you aren’t willing to live without—and you both have to be willing to commit to this new thing you’re making.” She met Charlotte’s hopeful gaze. “I know it wasn’t always that way. For ages, marriage has been a better deal for men than women, but it doesn’t have to be like that.”
“Like any partnership negotiation, it should be more about what both parties gain than what they give up,” said Charlotte, warming to the idea.
“Yes, with respect, commitment, and the addition of love,” Meredith said, as if she were detailing the ingredients in one of her recipes.
Love was the easy part, the part that came naturally whether you wanted it to or not. And I understood the importance of boundaries. I wouldn’t have a relationship with my mother if I didn’t. What I didn’t understand was how I was supposed to get past the fundamental differences in our natures. Not without me giving up what I needed or making him resent me for always being critical of things he didn’t see.
“You don’t seem convinced,” Kindra said, turning her attention to me.
“It’s not that. Alex and Erik are brilliant together. She was amazing before, but she’s bloomed even brighter since they’ve been together.”
Alex grinned and raised her coffee cup in my direction. “I am awesome, aren’t I?”
I rolled my eyes. “And I have no doubt Charlotte and Ford will complement each other just as well.” It took no work at all to see Charlotte’s life was better—softer, richer—with Ford as part of it. “I just don’t understand how to make any of that work for me. If this thing becomes a relationship, I’m afraid one of us is going to end up hating the other for just being who we are.”
“I’m not negating the challenge,” said Kindra. “But you are a woman who’s gone after what she wanted and created a beautiful life for yourself. He’s a man who’s figured out how to put systems in place to help him be successful and make a real difference in the world. If you decide a relationship is what you want, instead of focusing on what you can’t change, maybe you can both put your considerable talents to work finding a solution that serves both of you.”
I cradled my coffee cup in my hands, letting the warmth sink into my fingers. She had a point; she usually did. I’d been so focused on the things that wouldn’t work, I’d forgotten about my ability to change things. I’d made things easier for Jake before.Our relationship—I was done pretending it was anything else—started that way with the couch. Maybe I could fix this too.
