"No, it's not that." He let out a little laugh at the thought. "No, I'm not worried about that," he said confidently. "It's something else. Some other brand of mistrust."
"Like what?" Caleb asked. sounding interested.
EJ sighed, looking for a way to put it into words. "Uh, trusting their true intentions?" he said in an uncertain tone. "I mean, I guess that's the closest way to describe what my problem is." EJ got to the edge of the couch, sitting up. "No matter how nice a girl is… no matter how sweet and wonderful and understanding she is… there's always this underlying feeling in my heart. I just can't shake it. Something's just always telling me that if I wasn't who I was… if I wasn't Eddie Decker's son and an athlete myself, that this person wouldn't feel the same about me."
"You mean Kayla?"
"All of them. Any of them. Every woman I've ever dated, way back to high school. It's like I go through this whole, long charade with women,knowing that I don't truly trust them but still dating them anyway. I'd rather not just be single my whole life. But every woman I date, I have to judge how far I can take a relationship before breaking her heart too much. I'm sorry. I hate to put it so bluntly. It's not something I'm proud of." He stared downward, feeling guilty. "I think every time I get into a relationship, I'm hopeful that it'll go well. I think the feeling will go away and I'll eventually find someone who loves me unconditionally."
"You've felt that way with every single woman?" Caleb asked.
"Yes."
"I mean, don't you think it's possible that God still has someone waiting? Your brother is Eddie Decker's son. He met Marley. Does he trust her?"
"Yes, and that's why I keep trying, but it's so frustrating. I just want to find the one. I don’t want to be seen as someone who won't settle down—there's just been no one I want to settle down with."
"Honestly, you're in good company, EJ. I talk to people about relationships all the time. It weighs on people when they want to find the one. I give advice about it all the time."
"Well, I'm glad about that, even though I didn't bring you here to give you a sob story. It's more like I wanted to talk about… I wanted to check in with you about my eternal soul."
"What about it?" Caleb asked. "I thought you knew Jesus."
"No, you know, pertaining to the women I date. Am I in trouble for leading these women on even though I'm not doing it intentionally?" He paused like he was going to let Caleb talk, but then he continued. "Because I want to find someone. I'm not trying to be picky by choice. I just don't feel like any of these women would be with me if I weren't famous."
"What makes you think that?" Caleb asked.
"There's a… " he paused, looking for the right words. "A certain vibe, I guess. There's a way a woman treats you when she knows pleasing you can make her set for life. I mean, I like it that they want to please me, don't get me wrong."
"What man wouldn’t?" Caleb said thoughtfully.
"I don't know what I'm asking. I guess it's safe to assume you don't believe in being with a woman before marriage?"
"Intimacy? No." Caleb cleared his throat. "It's a tough one for a lot of people, but I trust the Bible on that one. I've seen hurt play out in people's lives. Are you feeling conflicted about it?" Caleb asked.
EJ let out a little laugh. "Of course I am. I'm a man. I mean, I know you kind of felt differently about being with women before you met my sister, so I'm not sure if it's as hard for you…" EJ let out a groaning sound from his chest and then continued speaking. "I haven't been with a woman in two years, Caleb. It's not that I'm a virgin, but a couple of years ago, I just felt like I wanted to… like I didn't wantto do that with anyone unless I wanted to stay with them."
"Woah, I think that's a good thing, EJ," Caleb said.
"Yes, it is. And it feels really nice to say when I'm sitting here with you, but last night it did not feel nice, Caleb. Last night, Kayla was at my doorstep offering herself to me and saying that there were no strings attached and she didn't even want to get back together. She begged me to do that the whole time we were seeing each other, and then last night she shows up, drinking and desperate, with a whole set of lingerie under her clothes, which she showed me." He stopped and sighed, remembering the scene. "I'm a man, Caleb. And as much as I'm trying to have morals and everything. That would have been so easy last night." He let out another groan at the thought. "She's beautiful, too. It was hard to pass, honestly. That's why I texted to see if we could talk because… I didn't want to tell her 'no'. As a man, I wanted to say the opposite of 'no' in that situation. I'm wondering… if I never find anyone I want to commit to… does that mean I just can't… what I'm asking is… spiritually, how bad is it for me to break down in that regard now and then. Uhh, even as I say that, I hear how bad it sounds." EJ leaned back and rubbed his face, and Caleb sat up, thinking of what to say to him. "I'm scared that I'm never going to truly love anybody, Caleb. And there's just no way I'm going the rest of my life without… " He sighed. "Thelast two years have been hard enough as it is. I've dated three or four women during that time, and I've come close to doing that with all of them. They were definitely more forward than me about it. Every time, they get hurt, and cry, and tell me I'm rejecting them. The thing is, it's not just about spirituality. It's not just because I'm trying to be a good person. It's because I know if I do that with them, they become even more attached. I've just not felt comfortable letting someone in that way lately. But last night, the temptation was real, Caleb. I texted you right when she left so that I wouldn't leave my house and go catch up with her."
"And now that we're sitting here are you glad you didn't do that?"
"Of course I am. It would've set us off on the whole thing of getting back together. We didn't even do that when we were together, so I'm glad it didn't happen."
"What about your past?" Caleb asked.
"I mean, I, I would not have been so restrained in my past, let's put it that way."
Caleb shook his head. "No, what I mean is do you have any women from your past who you could consider for a relationship? Someone you've known since you were a child? Someone with a built-in level of trust?"
EJ wasn't expecting that question. He had never considered that, and he took a second to think about it. He let out a little thoughtful sound. "Hmm, I mean, no. I've… everyone I've ever known has known me as Eddie's son." Then a smile crossed his face at the thought of one girl. He shook his head at the memory. There had been one girl who had no idea who he was. He was young then. He blinked, concentrating as scenes of that summer began flooding back. It was the summer he had a broken foot.
"You're smiling at something," Caleb said after there had been a pause.
"No, there was just this… there was one girl. It was the spring I broke my foot, and I got really depressed about missing baseball, so I went to stay with my mom's parents. Dom was doing all-stars. We were twelve, and I thought it was the end of the world that I missed the end of that season. I remember thinking I'd missed every scouting opportunity I'd ever have for the rest of my life—that I was going to have to be in a cast until I was fifty."
Caleb laughed along with EJ because that response to an injury didn't surprise him. Athletes had all sorts of reactions to getting hurt. Counseling through physical rehab was a big part of Caleb's job.
