“Yes, you are,” he argues, giving me a silver-eyed glower.
That’s the problem with knowing someone inside and out for most of your life. You can spot a lie a thousand miles away and with just one look.
“And the fact that you talked to Meredith and not to me proves that you are.”
Yep. I am most definitely going to kill her and her big fat mouth. Did she call everyone in Fallen Brook the second we hung up?
I start walking again. The path is well-worn and flat. Stray tree roots break the surface and create hazards easily trippedover if you’re not paying attention. Julien ambles beside me, his long legs easily catching up with my pace.
“I don’t want you to be upset with me.”
Genuinely perplexed, he asks, “Why would I be upset with you?”
“For considering being with another man. And for that man to be Fallon.”
There. I finally said it out loud.
Still feels like I’m about to have a heart attack.
Julien stares at me like I just sprouted three heads. “Shit, Liz. It’s been almost three fucking long years. No one, me especially, expects you to live like a hermit for the rest of your life. Ryder would want you to move on. The fact that it’s with Fallon…I couldn’t be happier. Other than Ry, I always thought Fal was a better man for you than Jay—” Julien abruptly stops talking and looks the other way.
Jayson has been popping up a lot in my thoughts lately. I hate that he’s becomepersona non gratawith everyone I know. Julien won’t even say his name around me anymore. He and Elijah stopped taking the boys to visit him in San Francisco like they usually did before school started. I don’t know what happened or why because Julien has also been shuttingmeout when it comes to his brother.
The only time I would see Jayson was once a year at our daughter’s gravesite on her birthday, but the year we found out about Ryder’s cancer, Jayson stopped coming. I tried reaching out to him. Several times. I’m so angry at him for tapping out. Our daughter deserves better. Ryder deserved better.
I never expected him to hate me so much for choosing Ryder. And because of my choice, the people I love and care about have suffered. My therapist used to hound into me that Jayson’s actions are not my fault. Rationally, I know that. He made his choice, just like I made mine.
I wish things could have turned out differently between us. I miss him. I miss the Jayson that had been my best friend since I was six. I miss the Jayson I fell in love with; the one who would climb through my bedroom window. The one who strung fairy lights on our tree. The boy who owns all my firsts.
Julien pulls off a tendril of honeysuckle from a wild vine as we pass by it and tucks it behind my ear.
“Julien, I’m scared.”
“About what?” he asks.
“Everything.”
My heart has been broken too many times. I don’t know if I’ll survive it being broken again.
He pulls me around and cradles my cheeks between his large hands, forcing my gaze to his. “Fallon loves you. He’s loved you for a very long time. It’s okay to trust him with your heart. He’d burn down the entire world for you.”
Fallon loves you.
I stand on the precipice of a decision that frightens me to death.
The thought of opening my heart again—risking to love again—feels like jumping off a very tall mountain, unsure if the ground will stop my fall or if I’ll plummet into a never-ending chasm of heartbreak.
But for Fallon, I’m willing to take that leap.
“He said he’s picking me up later.”
Julien unzips my side pocket and takes out my phone. Knowing my passcode, he enters it.
“What are you doing?”
“Not what I’m doing. What you’re doing,” he says and slaps my phone into my hand. “Call him.”
I stare at the green circle on the screen. “I’m not calling him now. It’s seven in the morning.”
