Well, shit. I could never deny her anything. But this time, I’m going to ask for something in return.
“What if I told you I wanted a chance, Liz? You said you felt something for me, a pull. I want the same chance you’re giving Ry.”
“I don’t know if I can do that, Julien.”
“All I’m asking is for us to keep things open between us. How do you know what you really want if you’re never given the opportunity to make a choice? We continue spending time with each other and see what happens. We test the pull.”
“I did make a choice, Julien. I love Ryder,” she calmly but bluntly says.
My heart cracks, tiny fissures open and the hope inside leaks out.
“You used to tell me you loved me too.”
Liz removes her hand from my grip and places it on my chest above my heart. “Julien. I am in love with Ryder. And you love Elijah.”
The cracks in my heart open wider. “I do love Elijah. I love him very much. But I love you, too, Liz.”
“I know you do. You’ve all told me the stories. But right now, in this time and this space, my heart belongs to Ryder, and your heart belongs to Elijah.”
I feel like she’s slipping away from me again. “No. I can’t lose you again. I need you, Liz,” I plead.
“You’ve got me, Julien. I’m not going anywhere.”
I grab her in my arms and hold her, part of me not trusting that truth. She rests her cheek against the flat of my swim shirt.
“I promise I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here with you, Julien.”
Maybe she senses my guilt. The well of pain I have buried deep inside caused by the fact I didn’t — couldn’t — save her. Not being there that night when she needed me the most. Deep down, I know that guilt is the driving force behind my actions.
One tear sneaks through my defenses. Then two and three.
“I should have protected you. I should have been there for you. Please let me be there for you now. Please forgive me, Liz. I need you to forgive me.”
The final walls surrounding my guilt come tumbling down as Liz holds me tighter through the painful sobs that wrack my body.
Elizabeth
Holy shit. I can’t comprehend the pain Julien must be in. He believes it’s his fault that I was attacked. He blames himself for what happened to me. My heart hurts with each shudder of his body. My soul cries out with every tear that releases from his beautiful silver eyes. I never considered that any of them felt this way. The misplaced guilt they all feel. Because of me. And it breaks my heart.
Julien crushes me firmly, head to toe, to his body. It’s like he would break apart and fly away in the ocean breeze if he didn’t have every part of himself plastered to me. I am the anchor to his storm.
I circle my hands around to his back so I can massage the tension I feel seizing his muscles. As I stroke and pet, I whisper in his ear. Words to help soothe him. Words to help calm him. Words to help him find a way to forgive himself for something that was never his burden to bear.
“Julien. It wasn’t your fault. There is nothing for me to forgive you for. Place the blame on the person who deserves it. That person isnotyou. Regardless of my amnesia, you have shown me every day for the past month how much I mean to you. How much I mean to all of you. I think it’s that love, the love we shared with each other is what really saved me. How could I fight so hard to come back, to want to live, if it wasn’t for me to come back to you, Ryder, and Jayson? This is where I belong. The three of you are who I belong with. I’ll be damned if I allow that monster to have any more pieces of me. Those pieces belong to you, and to Ryder, Jayson, and Elijah.”
“I love you, Liz,” Julien rasps out.
“I know you do. I know. But it’s not the same kind of love as what you have with Elijah. Don’t throw that away because you feel responsible for something that was never your fault. You need him, Julien. And he needs you.”
Julien nods his head slowly against my cheek.
“You promise you won’t disappear again?” he asks me in a shattered voice.
“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away.”
He snorts. “Why do people say such stupid things like that?”
“My guess is someone at some time was actually dragged away by wild horses. I bet that was a sight to see when it happened.” This time he chuckles, and the tension finally seeps out of his body. I take his face and wipe the wetness from his cheeks.
