Julien walks into the kitchen, takes a cold bottle of water from the fridge, twists it open, and guzzles the entire thing down. His shirt and shorts stick to his skin which is drenched with sweat. I’m standing at the stove scrambling eggs to go with the bacon I just took off the burner. Julien grabs a piece of bacon and leans against the counter island.
“Jay up yet?”
“Yeah. He’s on the phone.”
Julien perks up at that. “Any news?”
I shake my head no and divide the eggs onto three plates then add bacon to each one. Sliding Julien’s over, he grabs it and shovels a fork full of food into his mouth. He’s usually starving in the morning since he gets up at five to run ten miles, rain or shine. Julien needs it. Running for him is an outlet, ten miles that allow him to shut his brain down and just be in the moment.
Normal moments have been few and far between for the three of us this past year. My release is racing. I need the adrenaline rush to steady my thoughts and keep me grounded. There’s a professional race track a half hour from here where I spend most of my evenings. Jayson is a different story. His escape used to be at the bottom of a liquor bottle. Now his emotions are channeled through his fists in an underground fight club.
We hear Jayson walking toward the kitchen. “Yeah, yeah, okay, man. Thanks. You know the drill. Call anytime if you find something. Yeah. Good. Alright, man. Talk to ya soon.” He tosses the phone on the counter and grabs his plate. “Fucking hell.” He falls onto the stool next to Julien.
“Why do we keep paying this guy again? It’s been months and he still isn’t any more successful than we are.”
Jayson spreads his arms across the counter, dropping his head with an exhausted sigh. “I know. I fucking know.”
I notice his cut and swollen knuckles and I open the freezer to grab a bag of frozen peas. He fought last night and I’m surprised he isn’t more banged up. He usually comes home with a black eye or two or a busted lip, or bruised ribs. I’d rather he use his fists to fight his demons than get cirrhosis of the liver. He was a fucked-up mess for a while. Soon after Elizabeth disappeared, Jayson started drinking heavily to the point he would black out most days. I envied him. I would have given anything to escape the pain I woke up to every damn day she wasn’t in it. But I needed to be strong for her and do what I know she would have wanted. That meant helping Jay, giving him a reason to live. There was a time when Julien and I thought we would lose him too. It took a lot of tough love from all of us, our parents included, to lift him out of his deep depression and bring him back to the light. He’s surviving, barely. It’s good enough for now.
Julien has fared a bit better than his brother. He has Elijah. Elijah helps take some of that weight off my shoulders. He keeps Julien grounded, keeps him going. I will never be able to thank him enough for that, for giving up his dream of going to Stanford to come here to CU to be with Julien. Elijah’s a good man.
I think about the past year. The year without Elizabeth. You always hear people say that time moves on. Days turn into weeks that turn into years. Seasons change, people change. Time stopped for us when Elizabeth disappeared, when she was taken from us to who knows where. Our families struggled with the pain of losing her, of losing Hailey and their parents. Their killer was never found. No resolution, no justice. Nothing.
I don’t think any of us will ever recover. I don’t think Jayson and I ever will. We were the ones who first found all of them. Found Elizabeth gasping for breath on the blood-smeared floor, red pooling all around her, staining her blond hair an ugly scarlet. I can still feel the weight of her limp body in my arms as I watched her life slowly drain away. Her parents both dead in the living room. And Hailey. God, Hailey. A fucking nightmare. It never ends. Just plays like a goddamn horror movie set on repeat in my head day after day after day.
After Elizabeth’s attack, we visited her every day in the hospital until an incident between Jayson and a staff member got us all banned. A short forty-eight hours later, Elizabeth was gone. Since we’re not family, no one would tell us anything. We now live in an empty void, wondering what happened to her; if she’s still alive, if she exists only in the shell of her body, if she ever came out of the coma. Does she dream about us? Is she scared? Does she think we abandoned her? Every night we fall asleep with thoughts of only her. Every day we wake up the same. We hunt for any clue online that she is out there, praying that one day there will be something to give us hope — a picture, a post, a news article, hell, even an obituary — anything that tells us what happened to her or where she is. Several months ago, we hired a private investigator, the guy Jayson was talking to on the phone. We will never give up until we have answers.
Jay, Jules, and I live together in a condo off campus. It’s a two-story, three-bedroom floor plan. Our parents leased it jointly so the three of us could live here. We kept our promise to come to Carolina University, but honestly, I don’t remember most of last year or if I went to half of my classes. We were just trying to survive day to day. I’m surprised we made it to our sophomore year, but here we are, three weeks away from the start of the first semester. Jayson bailed on his swimming scholarship, but his parents were more than happy to fit the bill for his education. Anything to help Jay from tumbling back down into the soul-sucking darkness again. Julien maintained his scholarship and is a center forward for the CU soccer team. I still plan to get my MBA. Elizabeth was so excited for me to do that and I won’t let her down.
I tip back the rest of my coffee and rinse the cup out. I started drinking black coffee with two yellow packets of sweetener just like Elizabeth loved. Small things to help keep memories of Elizabeth fresh in my mind. They help keep her close to me.
I grab my keys and wallet. “I’m out of here, guys. I have to stop by the student store and pick up a textbook.”
“Elijah’s going to pick me up in an hour. We’re reading to the kids at the library.” That’s Julien’s little echo of Elizabeth that keeps her close to him.
“Jay, what’s on the agenda for you today?”
“Sleep. Web search. Work out. The usual.” Yep. That’s our new normal now.
“I’ll help you when I get back. Give me about an hour.”
“No rush, man.”
I brought my Hellcat with me to college because there’s no way I will ever sell it. I remember the first day I took Elizabeth out in it. She came out of the library and basically drooled all over it, saying she was going to marry it. She named it Stella. I laugh at the memory. God, that was a good day. I park Stella in one of the student pay-by-the-hour lots on campus, lay my head back, and shut my eyes. I can picture Elizabeth sitting next to me in the passenger seat, her long flaxen hair flying around her face from the wind through the window. Her squeals of joy and excitement when I raced around the track at the Fields. The way she smelled. Her fucking delicious scent of jasmine and sunshine. I miss her so goddamn much. I take a deep breath and shake my head to stave off the sadness that will overtake me if I allow it to.
As I walk to the CU student center, I encounter other students and faculty members milling about the grounds, the campus full of students doing summer courses. It’s the first week of August, the heat of summer bearing down, hot and sticky. The mingled smell of dirt, grass, and honeysuckle vines is pungent. Girls are lying on towels spread out in the grass. Some in bathing suit tops and denim shorts trying to get a tan, others reading or working on their laptops. A group of guys throwing a frisbee, all shirtless because of the heat. The sun is out, puffy white cumulus clouds dot the sky. It’s a gorgeous day. Unfortunately, I’m not in the mood to enjoy it. I never am anymore.
“Hey, man. I’ve been yelling your name for the past two fucking minutes. Where’s your head at?” Fallon jogs up to me.
Out of all the people I would have expected not to go to college, especially a state-run college since his family has more money than Midas had gold, Fallon coming here shocked the hell out of me. Yet, here he is, also a sophomore like us since he took a year off after graduating high school to sail on his family’s yacht. Come to find out, his parents went to school here and they donate a shitload of money to the university. One library and an academic hall are named after them, and Fallon is a legacy member of his dad’s old fraternity.
“Surprised to see you here —” I look at my watch — “before noon.” Fallon’s usual M.O. is to stay up all night and sleep all day.
He throws his arm around me. “Fuck yeah, man. We have to clean the frat house and get it ready for incoming rush. Fucking freshman virgin holes.”
“Fallon, you were one of those freshmen last year.”
“Shit no. I’m a legacy. I am the king. Everyone else bows to me, motherfucker.”
