“Jay? Are we good?”
Jayson remains quiet, his body rigid, angry.
Julien comes over next to me, bumping my shoulder to let me know he’s got my back. He will support me.
“Jay. You’re being uncharacteristically quiet.”
One minute goes by. Two. Suddenly, Jayson springs out of his seat like he’s on fire and bolts. He sprints out of the backyard leaving me and Julien standing alone in the darkness wondering what the hell just happened.
Jayson
My mind has gone blank. Anger grips me and I can’t fucking breathe. I don’t remember anything after leaving Ryder’s backyard. I don’t remember how I got here. I sat and listened to him pour his heart out to me. Every goddamn word he spoke etched in my being because my heart was saying the same thing. His words were my words too. But knowing those words were coming from his mouth, his heart, I couldn’t sit there any longer. I knew it was coming. I knew it the moment Ryder told me he wanted to talk to me and Julien about something important. But when he finished talking, when my twin brother gave him his blessing, I just ran. Fucking jumped out of my seat and ran. I had to get out of there. Had to escape before my world fractured apart around my feet into a thousand pieces.
My hands grab hold to the sides of my head gripping tight as my mind races. I’m in agony.Shit! Fuck! Dammit!All I can think about is I’m about to lose her. I’m about to lose my reason for getting up in the morning. I exist because she is in my life. Without her, I don’t know what the hell to do. Ryder’s going to take her away from me. He’ll be the one she kisses, the one she presses her body to, the one she gives her heart to, her love to. The thoughts of her being with someone else - no, not just someone else. Him. My best friend. I should be happy. I should have patted him on the back and stepped aside. Be the bigger man. Allow Liz to choose for herself. I have no rights to her. She doesn’t officially belong to me. I have no say in what she does or who she dates. But goddamn it! She’s mine. Mine!
I have loved that girl for half my life. I am a selfish asshole. I can’t let her go, not even to be with my best friend. A guy who is like my brother, a part of my family. Ryder has always been the better man, I scoff. He had the courage to step up and confront me and Julien about how he felt. I wish I was that selfless. I wish I was the better man, but I’m not. I’m just a scared boy who at the age of six found his soulmate. His princess. And I can’t step aside.
Looking up at the old oak tree that stands between our houses, I stare at Liz’s window. It’s open like usual, and I can hear her voice floating down to me like a song whispering through the leaves of the tree as it glides upon the night’s breeze. She’s talking to Hailey. I just stand there at the foot of the tree and listen, hoping her melodious voice is able to calm me.
I don’t know how long I’m there lost in my world of misery and questions. I hear a click and then her bedroom goes dark. I watch as Liz appears in the frame of her window, long pale hair loose around her shoulders, looking like a goddess come to life.
While my mind is still running on a loop, my body takes over and decides to move on its own. Without thinking, I leap up and grab hold of the bottom branch of the oak and start to climb. Liz notices the tree shake and shudder from my efforts, her face full of confusion as to what is climbing the tree in the middle of the night.
She leans her head out trying to get a better view, then startles backward as I reach the branch next to her window. I swing myself into her bedroom.
“Jayson?”
Elizabeth
When I got home tonight full of confusion and doubts, Hailey was waiting for me in my bedroom. I had texted her on the way home asking if we could talk. She has a way of making me feel better about things that bother me. As we sit on my bed, my bedroom window open to allow the fragrant summer air filled with the scent of honeysuckle vines to waft in, I tell her about everything that happened at the Fields.
“What do I do, Hales? I’m so confused. Things seem to be changing between me, Jayson, and Ryder. I don’t know if it’s a good change or not. You know I have always had feelings for the three of them, but those feelings are becoming very complicated especially with those two.”
Hailey takes a brush from my bedside table and starts to comb it through my hair. The feel of the soft bristles sliding down my long lengths soothe and relax me, like she knew it would. She opens her mouth to say something but closes it before opening it again. I know she is trying to find the right words to express what she wants to say, like she does when writing her poems. She wants every word to be just right.
“You and the twins and Ryder have always had a special bond. Everyone knows it and everyone sees it. I know you love each of them, but is that love the type of love that goes deeper? You need to ask yourself that question first.”
I think about Julien, his quick smile and kind spirit. How he makes me feel special. Jayson makes my heart pound. I look into his silver eyes and every part of me tingles. And then there is Ryder, my amber-eyed daredevil. He's the keeper of my heart. But we’re a unit, a unified team. What would happen if I chose one of them to give my heart to completely?
“I do have strong feelings for both Ryder and Jayson,” I finally say aloud. “Julien is my best friend, but my love for him is not like the deeper love you asked me about.” I pause, nose scrunching up in thought. “I’m just afraid that if I choose one, I will hurt the other two. I’m not going to be the one responsible for doing that to all of us.”
I exhale a sharp sigh. The brush Hailey holds stills on my hair. My sister reaches around me to give me a hug.
“What doyouwant, Lizzie? What would makeyouhappy?”
I lean back into my sister’s arms, accepting the embrace and comfort she is giving.
“I won’t choose. I won’t,” I emphasize. “I wish the choice was taken out of my hands so I wouldn’t have to worry about it constantly, but I also just want things to stay the same.”
I’m a coward.
Hailey squeezes and then gets up, yawning big while stretching her arms overhead. “Sorry sis. I’m exhausted. Get some sleep and hopefully the answer will come to you in your dreams. If not, then I’m always here for you.”
“Good night, Hales. Thanks for being such an awesome sister.”
“Always. Love you.”
Hailey walks through our jack-and-jill, closing both bathroom doors. My mind is too busy and full of thoughts running circles around my brain. I click off my bedroom light and walk over to the open window. Even though it’s the middle of the summer and the air is sticky with hot humidity, I keep my window open at night. I started doing that when the twins moved in next door. It’s how we connect to each other at night and it makes me feel safe.
