He had gotten me out, but he hadn’t been able to save them.
The words locked in my throat, leaving me on a jumbled sob, and Cash continued before I could reply.
That self-loathing rising to the surface again.
“I—” His chest expanded. His features a warped map of shame and guilt and sorrow. Then he seemed to swallow down whatever he’d intended to say and instead forced out the pulverized words. “I failed them, Daisy, and I failed you. I failed everyone. If you even knew…” He trailed off, unable to speak whatever was held on his tongue.
I wanted to push him on that. Demand to tell me what he meant.
But he only rushed on, “And I’m terrified I’m going to do it again. You think you can trust me? You think I’m right for you and for your kids?”
Pain splintered across his brutally handsome face.
I fumbled my way off the bed and flew to him. “You saved me.”
A swirl of emotions swamped me. I wasn’t sure how I could feel both thankful and guilty over it at the same time.
His teeth mashed together. “But it wasn’t enough. Because of me, they’re dead.”
“No.” I gripped at his arm. “You could never have planned for that to happen.”
He whirled free of my touch, and he angled in my direction as a hot huff of self-reproach dropped from his mouth. His entire body vibrated with shame and all-consuming hate.
The horrors he had faced distorting everything.
“Don’t you fucking get it, Daisy? I chose destruction. I went down that path and there was no stopping it. And that is a path I’ll be stuck on forever.”
“Cash.” I attempted to grab him by the wrist.
He pulled out of my hold, and he gripped at his hair as he stumbled back toward the door. “I can’t do this, Daisy. I can’t fucking do this. Can’t do this thing that we keep sliding toward. I want to be someone else when it comes to you. But I’m not. I’m fucking not.”
“But you are.” My voice shook on the denial. “You are that person when it comes to me. When it comes to my children. You are good and kind and gentle, and you’re a protector—brutal and ferocious—when you need to be. Like you were tonight.”
My tone twisted in emphasis. “And when you touch me, I feel alive in a way that I never have. With you I feel beautiful andcherished and brave. You fill all the places that have been empty since you left. With you is where I feel safe, both my body and my heart.”
Each word heaved out on a plea, and I fisted my hand over my aching chest. “I love you, Cash. I’ve always loved you. Since I was sixteen years old, I’ve loved you. I loved the person you were then, and I love the person you are now.”
He flinched with each word I gave him. As if each were bullets that impaled. Darts that delivered agony.
“No. No, Daisy. I don’t get that. I don’t get your love.”
He opened the door.
Torment erupted from the deepest part of me.
My limbs shook uncontrollably, and my heart felt like it was going to fail.
“Do you blame me? Because I was there?” I demanded to his back. “Because I didn’t listen to you and go home, but instead waited for you?”
He froze for the longest time before he turned.
Nothing but grimness filled those hazel eyes. “No, Daisy. The only person I blame is myself.”
Then he walked out, the door clicking shut behind him.
The man ruining me all over again.
Just like I knew he would.
