“I know, I know. The burrito,” I say with a soft chuckle. “But it’s like I said—sex drive, or libido, or whatever is irrelevant. Arousal isn’t the same as desire. I mean, for most people they go hand in hand, but not always—even for sexual people.” I try to think of an example that might be relevant to Skyler, and after a moment it comes to me. “You get morning wood, right? But you’re not having dirty dreams every morning.”
“Not that I know of,” he says wryly. “So…are you saying whenever you get hard it’s like morning wood? It just…happens?”
I rub at my face, feeling a little frustrated that I don’t have a better way to explain this. I wish I’d managed to do some more research, or maybe speak to Blair like Drew suggested before having this conversation. But that would have required me keeping a secret from Skyler, and even if it didn’t have a bearing on our current circumstance, I could never keep something this big from him. All I can do is try my best to put my experiences into words he can relate to. “Sometimes…I mean, my dick functions the same as any other guy’s, so yeah, I get morning wood and shower boners and all that kind of stuff. But sometimes I just get horny for no reason whatsoever—which I guess must happen to everyone, right?”
He lets out a soft breath of laughter. “Yep, definitely.”
“And then there are other times—like when I’m watching porn, for example—where I just respond to the sexual stimuli. It’s not the naked people on the screen that are doing it for me,” I explain. “I don’t think “fuck, that woman’s so hot, I’d love to come on those tits.” It’s just like something clicks in my brain and I get aroused. Which I guess explains the weird shit with the animal sex. And Mrs. Butterworth’s…”
Skyler lets out a soft chuckle, giving my torso a squeeze. “I told you, that stuff isn’t weird. It’s just…quaint. But if you get aroused by sexual stimuli, why didn’t you get hard earlier?” he asks curiously.
“Well, for starters…I don’talwaysget hard when there’s sexual stimuli,” I point out. “You know this. We’ve been watching porn before when I haven’t been remotely into it.”
“I just assumed it was the guys going at it that turned you off,” he murmurs.
I honestly couldn’t say what videos we were watching on the occasions when I wasn’t “feeling it” but considering everything we watch is at a minimum two guys and a girl, I can definitely see Skyler making that cynical assumption and completely forgetting all the times where I was hard while guys were going at it.
“Yeah, I don’t think so,” I tell him. “Or didn’t you notice all the times I got off while guys were fucking on screen?”
“Yeah, but there was always a woman touching herself. Or two girls getting each other off or something,” he reasons, determined to miss my point.
“I’m pretty sure I’d have the same reaction to regular gay porn as I do to the group stuff we watch,” I say simply.
“But…you’re not attracted to men,” he says in obvious confusion.
I’m not sure whether to groan or laugh. I don’t think I can blame him for not being able to get his head around all this in one go. I’m still struggling with it myself, and while I may have only begun diving into everything today, in reality I’ve been living with this for fifteen years.
“I’m not attracted to women either,” I remind him. “Or baboons.”
He groans and rubs his forehead into my shoulder. “Fuck. I’m sorry. This is really fucking confusing.”
I sigh. “I know.”
I have to explain the rest to him if I have any hope of him understanding what’s happening inside my head, but I need to be able to look into his eyes for that part.
I shift over so I’m on my other side, still circled in his arms and with our faces inches apart from each other. “Can you promise not to get all sulky and offended at what I’m about to say?”
He pouts. “You love my sulkiness.”
“I love everything about you. But I don’t want you feeling hurt when there’s no reason to be.”
His dark brows draw together in obvious confusion. “Okay…”
I lift my hand to cup his cheek, but I’m thwarted by the stupid potholder still covering my right hand. “Fuck. Can I please take this off now?”
He considers the request. “You can have a temporary break for cuddling purposes.”
I let out an exasperated huff and yank the stupid-ass pot holder from my hand, tossing it across the room.
“Oh, be gentle with Dasher!” Skyler cries. “How is he going to help guide the sleigh if he loses his eyes?”
“I think his sleigh-guiding days ended when he lost his body in that freak accident at the potholder making factory,” I say dryly.
Skyler’s eyes widen slightly. “Do you think that really happened?”
I let out a soft chuckle and tilt my head forward to brush my lips to his.
“I like the lip cuddles,” he admits in a whisper. “I’m sorry I called them pity kisses. I know that’s not true. I know you mean them.”
