And I can sure as fuck jerk myself off.
I’ll miss the lip cuddling, though. That was nice.
“No, wait—Sky…”
He holds his hand out to me but I take another step back, retreating closer to my bedroom. I can’t risk him wrapping me in his arms again and magically making all my concerns disappear.
“Please, Jackson,” I say, my voice pained as I stare at the tortured expression on his face. “Just let me do this. For once in my life, just let me not be that half-starved little kid desperate for love and affection.”
His face crumples further, and I see the beginning of tears glistening in his beautiful eyes. “If that’s what you need, Sky…”
I retreat into my room, closing the door and leaning back against it with a heavy sigh. It’s not lost on me that even in this he’s putting my needs first.
Same old Jackson.
ChapterEighteen
Jackson
“I can’t sleep.Here, put these on.”
I have a brief moment to enjoy a feeling of blissful relief that Skyler’s first instinct when he can’t sleep is still to creep into my room and crawl into bed with me. But then I set eyes on the pair of potholders with the stuffed reindeer head sewn to each one that he’s presenting to me and the relief turns to confusion. “Huh?”
“Put them on, Jackson,” he insists, waving them in front of me.
“Why?” Despite my confusion, I sit up so I can take them from him and slide them onto my hands.
He shrugs as he climbs into the bed beside me. “Same as always. Preventative measures. ”
I let out a heavy sigh. “Sky, this isn’t necessary.”
“Are you telling me if you see me get a hard-on you won’t want to “take care of me”?” he asks, lifting his fingers to make air quotes.
“I’m not going to do anything you don’t want,” I assure him.
He frowns, glancing away. “Yeah, well, that’s the problem.”
A flicker of shame crosses his face and it breaks my heart.
Shuffling closer to where he’s lying on his back, I reach for his face with my ridiculous mitted hands and turn his head so he has to look at me. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Skyler. You didn’t force me. You didn’t take advantage of me. You weren’t selfish. You were perfect,” I tell him, sending out all the sincerity I can and hoping it finally penetrates. “What happened before was perfect. It was special. Beautiful.”
His eyes fall closed, lines of doubt still marring his face. “Jax…”
“I won’t touch you if you don’t want me to. That’s your call. But I’ll never stop taking care of you, Sky. And you’ll never be anything less than the most important thing in my entire life, no matter what you do to try to push me away. All that will accomplish is turning me into one of those creepy stalkers rom coms like to glorify.”
His eyes open and I feel my heart exploding at the hint of amusement I see in his gaze. “Where the hell are you going to find a boom box?”
I grin. “I’m sure I can track one down.”
I let go of his face and stretch my body out so we can cuddle. I let out what feels like my first breath of clean air for hours as I settle in against Skyler’s body, half snuggling into his side and half splayed over his chest, my head resting against his shoulder.
I hate these fucking potholders, because I can’t run my hands over his skin; but if it’s what he needs to feel more comfortable, I’ll gladly make the sacrifice.
“I’m not going to push you away, Jax,” he assures me, wrapping his arms around me and immediately sparking that familiar, cozy glow. “I just think we need to break out of this cycle…”
He’s still talking, and saying things I know are important for me to hear—if only so I can object to them and tell him he’s an idiot for thinking anything needs to change—but I can’t seem to get my brain to focus. I’m just so nice and warm like this, and sleepy. So sleepy…
* * *
