I glance away, shaking my head.
“Don’t dismiss me like that, Skyler,” he growls. “I told you I’ve never lied to you and I never will. You were never pathetic, and I never did anything for you out of pity or obligation.”
I look back at him, eyeing him skeptically. “Sorry if I take that little declaration with a grain of salt given recent events.”
Even as I’m saying these words, I’m not sure I believe them. My confusion and hurt is getting the better of me right now, but deep down I know nothing Jackson has ever done for me has been out of pity, or obligation. If that were the case we would have grown out of this cycle a hell of a long time ago.
Even so, I can’t seem to keep the doubt at bay right now. I know Jackson is the one person in the world who has never judged me. He’s the one person in the world who has never asked me to be anything more or less than what I am. He’s the one person in the world who’s given me unwavering, unconditional love for three quarters of my life…
But he’s also the one person with the power to shred my heart into little pieces.
“Why? You think because I didn’t get hard just now it means I don’t love you?” he presses, jaw set in frustration.
I let out a heavy sigh, my eyes falling closed for a moment. “I know you love me, Jax. Evidently you love me so much you’re willing to kiss me and suck on my neck and rub my dick despite not being the slightest bit attracted to me.”
He stares at me for a moment, expression creased with confusion. “You already knew I wasn’t attracted to you, Sky. I don’t get why you’re so shocked and…angry right now.”
Ouch.I nod. “Wow. Thanks. I was feeling really dumb for thinking you were into that but I feel way better now.”
He grimaces. “No…that’s not—shit.”
I sigh and take a few more steps back, heading for the safety of my room. And, fuck, the thought that being away from Jackson is somehow safer than being with him makes me feel like my heart is being torn apart at the seams. But I need some distance right now. Because I know it’s only a matter of time before he does something to comfort me. And I’ll feel a million times better, because that’s how it always goes. And the cycle will continue.
It’s finally dawned on me that I’ve done this to myself. Not because of my naivety in thinking Jackson could possibly develop an attraction to me, or because I should have realized earlier that he had simply switched into “Jackson to the Rescue” mode. It’s because I’ve always loved having him take care of me. I love that he puts me first. I love having someone who treats me like I’m the most important thing in the world. It makes me feel special.
I never hesitate to ask for favors. And I never refuse when he offers help.
So why the hell would he think this situation would be any different?
And, frankly, I don’t even know why it is different. It’s just that, despite Jackson’s intentions, the last thing I feel right now is special.
I take one last look at Jackson before turning for my room. Before I can take another step, however, I feel Jackson’s hard, warm body wrap around me from behind. And just like that, every ounce of agitation and frustration and despair seeps out of me and I feel my heart starting to stitch itself back together.
“No, don’t leave me again,” he says, a desperate note in his tone.
“Jax, I was just going to my room…” Which I should probably still do. I might feel safe, and warm, and treasured with his arms around me like this, but that doesn’t change the reality of the situation. This cycle needs to end.
I feel his head shake against the crook of my neck, and his warm breath on my skin sends a shiver through me. Yeah, I should really disengage ASAP. “No space,” Jackson says quietly. “Stay here with me.”
“Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “if you love something set it free?””
He takes a moment to answer, his forehead rubbing against the back of my neck in a gesture that’s so familiar it makes my heart hurt.
“Do you want me to set you free?” he murmurs.
I let my eyes fall closed. I should say yes, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I’m too fucking selfish; I should be the one settinghimfree, but I just can’t—how the hell could I survive without Jackson? “No.”
“Well I wasn’t going to anyway, so that’s good.”
“But you can’t…do that again, Jackson,” I tell him. “You can’t act like you want me. I’ll get past this eventually, I’m sure of it…” Lie. I know without a doubt I’ll be in love with Jackson Downey until my dying day. “But that’s not going to help.”
“But I do want you,” he protests.
I sigh in frustration. “Jackson…”
“It might not be the way you’re used to,” he clarifies. “But I do want you, Skyler.”
What the hell does that mean? “I don’t understand…”
