“You get used to it,” Drew says dryly. Then he turns to me, holding out the carton with his discarded burger. “Did you want this or not? The smell is grossing me out.”
I roll my eyes and take the burger from him. He’s being way too sensitive about the whole plant burger thing. I won’t say it tastes like a real meat burger, because it doesn’t, but it’s from one of the best vegan restaurants in the city—nothing but the best for Tanner, obviously—so it’s fucking delicious. And I can guarantee that if Drew didn’t know it was meatless he’d have gobbled the whole thing up with no complaints.
“Why is Leona worried about your ego?” Tanner asks curiously.
“What ego?” Deacon says with a soft chuckle. “Didn’t you hear? According to Jackson he doesn’t have one. He’s as modest as a mouse.”
“I never said he didn’t have one,” Jackson clarifies. “Just that it’s not a problem.”
Jackson logic right there. I cast him a fond smile before getting back to my burger.
“I have to agree with Jackson,” Tanner says with a shrug, before turning to Deacon and explaining, “Babe, there’s a reason you’re a kindergarten teacher and not a banker or a lawyer or something else in the corporate world. You’re too nice and way too humble. That’s why I’m surprised Leona thinks Skyler’s ego is a bad thing. I would have thought someone with his kind of confidence and assertiveness is exactly what they’re looking for.”
My brow creases as I try to figure out whether or not that was a compliment. Was he saying I’mnotnice or humble? Shaking my head, I decide to just let it go and answer Tanner’s question. “She said those things would be useful… eventually—when I’m higher up in the firm. But she’s worried I’m going to crack under the pressure or something because apparently when junior associates work their asses off for a case the only time they actually get acknowledged for it is if they fuck something up. Otherwise, it’s the partners or senior associates who swoop in at the last minute to finish things off who get all the credit,” I say with a scowl.
“And I can see by your expression she has absolutely nothing to worry about,” Drew says in a flip tone.
I shoot him annoyed look. “Despite what you all think, my ego isn’t so fragile that it needs to be stroked every five seconds. But I would actually like to be recognized for the work I bust my ass doing. I get that I’m paying my dues or whatever, but it still sucks giant balls.”
I feel Jackson’s hand on my nape. I didn’t even realize I’d tensed up so much until it all starts easing as he gently rubs my skin. “You’re not invisible, Skyler,” he murmurs in my ear, softly so only I can hear it. “You’re the brightest light in the sky. If they can’t see you it’s because they’re blind.”
I swallow hard and nod. Of course Jackson knows why I’m so agitated about Leona’s reality check today. He always knows.
I let out a heavy sigh and reach for my bottle of water on the coffee table, gulping down and few generous swallows.
“You’re right, it does suck,” Tanner says, offering a commiserating smile. “And I could tell you that in a few years you’ll be a senior associate and the shoe will be on the other foot, but I doubt that’ll help right now. But do you remember what you said to me when you told me you’d decided to interview with Leona?”
I stare at the cold, half-eaten burger in my hand as I think back to the end of last year and that conversation with Tanner. I’d told him thanks but no thanks when he first offered to set up the meeting with Leona. I was happy with Charlie and really hadn’t considered starting my career anywhere other than Campbell Nixon. But then, during my last week of classes, I was talking with one of my professors and he expressed some curiosity about my job situation; I got the impression he was surprised he hadn’t heard from any potential employers, because he’d written a pretty glowing reference for me earlier in the year. He was obviously relieved when I told him I was all set, but he also said something that stuck with me: “It’s a good thing self-doubt’s not part of your vocabulary. I was dating the daughter of the dean who gave me my first academic posting way back when, and I still wonder sometimes whether I actually earned all this or if it was just handed to me.”
He was a good professor and I have a lot of respect for him, but he never actually knew me outside of school. It’s easy to be confident and self-assured when you’ve got facts, and precedent, and the law to back you up. But relying on your own brain and your perception of the people and events happening around you is another story. It occurred to me that I didn’t want to have a fight with my brain every time I make any kind of career advancement; so I called Tanner and told him I’d changed my mind.
“I said I want to earn my way up,” I murmur. “No shortcuts. No special treatment. When I get up the ladder, I want to know for sure it was all me.”
“Wow, that was really empowering,” Will says. “It felt like that moment inBatman Beginswhen he finally embraces his fear.”
“IfBatman Beginswas anything like that it would have been a fucking boring movie,” Drew quips in response.
I glance up to see Deacon rolling his eyes and Tanner smiling indulgently. Then Tanner fixes his gaze on me again, his expression one of encouragement. “Just keep that in mind and you’ll be fine. And if it helps at all, clients remember which lawyers put the real time and effort in on their cases, even if they’re not the one who closes it out.”
I nod, a small smile touching my lips. “Thanks, that does make me feel better.”
“Are you done with that thing?” Deacon nods at my burger as he starts gathering up the takeout boxes. “It must be stone cold by now. And it looks all soggy and gross.”
“Yeah, I’m done.” I toss the remnants of the burger into the container he holds out for me. “You got any ice cream?”
“You cannot possibly still be hungry,” Drew says, staring at me with incredulity.
I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you dessert-shaming me, Drew?”
His hands fly up in a gesture of innocence. “Wouldn’t dream of it.”
“I think we have ice cream,” Tanner says wryly. Then he slides an innuendo-packed glance Deacon’s way. “Not sure about topping’s though.”
Deacon’s lips press together as he attempts to hide a smile, but his reddening cheeks give him away. “Um, yeah. I think we’re out of topping.”
I wave a hand. “That’s okay, I won’t turn down bareback.”
“He said, surprising no one,” Drew mutters with an eye roll.
