My teammates were my brothers. We’d argue. We’d give each other shit. There wasn’t anything remotely romantic about it.
Not that my day spent with Vienna was romantic, either. Sure, I bought her lunch. I got her some cookies.But I’d do that for any friend, especially if they were struggling financially.
That’s not why you bought her the cookies, though, was it?a silently smug voice asks.Heart-shaped cookies, no less. Would you buy those for Enzo? For your remaining teammates, if you ever extended the invitation for them to visit you?
Fine,I concede.Maybe notheart-shaped cookies.But they were right there beside the register, and I was already feeling off-balance after spending time in town when I usually avoid it, and I wanted to get Vienna something extra since I could tell she was afraid to ask.
Sure,the smug voice retorts.Blame it on your anxiety. Blame it on your weird hang-up about going into town instead of what it really was. You like her. And you wanted to do something to show it.
Irritated at the direction of my inner dialogue, I huff in irritation as I flop down on the couch. Picking up the remote, I flick on the TV and start searching for something to watch.
This is what I need,I tell myself as I find an episode ofStar Trek Voyagerthat I’ve only seen several times before. Some alone time. Time to recalibrate. That’s why I’ve been feeling anxious ever since I got back from the cabin. Not because I can’t stop thinking about Vienna. It’s because I’m not used to being around people so much.
It’s true I’m feeling much twitchier than normal. I’m having trouble sitting still, and the paranoia I thought I’d overcome is poking at me again. The difference from the paranoia of two or three years prior is I’m notimagining foreign enemies tracking me down in rural Vermont. I’m thinking of all the bad things that could happen to Vienna, instead.
She could hurt her leg while she’s at work, either from overuse or slipping on the wet kitchen floor.
Once Max gets her set up with a loaner—and he will, because I called him first thing this morning to talk to him about it—Vienna might decide to try sleeping in it again. And she could end up freezing to death despite all her precautions.
Or what about Tom from the bakery? Sure, he was polite. But he also looked awfully happy to see Vienna. What if he didn’t justend upin Bliss? What if he found out she was here and came intentionally?
And if he did?
Maybe he really likes her. Maybe he’s been worried. Maybe he wants the best for her, and I’m inventing problems where there aren’t any.
And, fine. Maybe I’m a little jealous.
I shouldn’t be.
I have no right to be.
Vienna isn’t mine.
Dammit, I’m not looking for a woman, aside from the occasional hookup when I head to Burlington for the weekend.
But Vienna’s not a one-night kind of woman. She’s the kind of woman who deserves a man who’ll put her first in everything. A man who’ll make damn sure she’s never alone and struggling ever again.
And that’s not me.
I’m better off alone. Better off handling mynightmares on my own. Better that I don’t risk hurting anyone else I care about because I trusted the wrong person.
Besides, I’m much too old for Vienna. She’s still in her twenties with her whole life ahead of her, while I’m a washed-up vet who had to be medically retired because I couldn’t hack it anymore.
Too itchy to sit still, I get up from the couch and head over to the fireplace. The fire doesn’t need any help, but I grab the poker and jab at the glowing logs, anyway. As one log shifts, sparks erupt. The flames flare higher before subsiding.
I arrange a few smaller branches atop the pile of logs and watch until they catch. Then I close the screen doors and set aside the poker. Rather than sit back down, I just watch the fire until the flames turn into a blur of oranges and blues and reds.
My thoughts shift to Vienna again.
What is she doing right now?
Is she sitting by the fireplace, just like me? Is she watching a movie on the laptop I lent her? Maybe she’s reading one of the books I found stored in boxes in the attic. Or she could be tired from a busy day and already asleep, even though it’s not quite nine.
Or.
Maybe she’s looking at some of the photos she took of Zeus and wishing she could adopt him.
She didn’t come right out and say it, but I could tell from the longing expression on Vienna’s face that she wants to. Rory told us that it’s likely Zeus was abandoned, and that he’ll probably end up going up foradoption soon. But without a permanent home, there’s no way Vienna can adopt Zeus, as much as she wants to.
