"What happened?"I question, as this is the first time I am hearing the story, even if I lived through it.I am pretending I was not that boy.
"One night, he had enough.I was supposed to meet him but chose to go out with the guy I was seeing at the time.My boyfriend was clearly cheating on me, and everyone knew, but he was the captain of the football team and the most popular guy in school.I guess when he learned the news, he decided to take revenge by burning my car."A sob escapes her, and I realize she is actually crying.I lift her head and wipe a tear from her cheek.
"Keep going, princess," I press, wanting to know why she is crying.
"Everyone pressured me to turn him in, so I did.He had good lawyers and got away with just serving time in a psychiatric ward instead of prison since he was already eighteen.He had some issues of his own, and it wasn’t the first fire he started.They diagnosed him as a pyromaniac, adding a bipolar diagnosis to it.I regret treating him the way I did, turning him in, manipulating him, giving him false hope so I could keep having everything he was offering.I was using him, and I know I shouldn’t have."
She releases a breath she had been holding the whole time she was talking, now silently crying in my arms.
I had no idea she knew my diagnosis; clearly, they weren’t wrong about any of it.Fire does something for me that I can’t explain.Bipolar wasn’t a surprise diagnosis either, since I had episodes of mania and depression from an early age.I did not expect her to know any of this, to have followed the case so closely that she knew classified information only my family and Kayden knew.
"I was hoping to see him tonight," she finally admits, more to herself than to me.Her statement is like a knot in my throat, blocking my ability to breathe.I try to ignore the feeling, switching my attention back to her.She is still crying, but in silence, wiping her tears with her fingers every few seconds.
"Princess, why did you want to see him?It sounds to me like you are not on good terms."
She chuckles."We are not, but I was hoping to either fix it or at least see where he stands now that he's back."
Oh, sweetie, if only you knew.You have had me by your side since the moment you stepped into my house.If only you knew I was balls deep inside you half the night, having you in my arms as you gained your strength for the rest.If only you knew how much this meant to me, but you will never know.
At this moment, the realization that I can never share my identity with her hits me.She would hate me if I did, even though I wanted her to despise me when this night started, to feel betrayed as I did.I don’t want that anymore.
Olivia
Iknow I should notbe sharing things like these with a stranger, even if that stranger is the best fuck I ever had.I don’t even know his name.I need to share it, though.I needed to tell someone.The burden of what I did all these years ago still follows me.I miss him.I miss how sweet Ryker was with me.How he would take care of me, buy me gifts, and treat me to snacks and breakfast every morning.He knew I needed everything he was offering.
I would have never been able to be popular if he didn’t buy me nice clothes.If he didn’t introduce me to his best friend, who made sure everyone knew my name.He was my popularity, and I knew that.Which made it even weirder that he didn’t have any of his own.It was almost like he was an outcast on purpose, like he rejected the world I was so eager to be a part of.Now I see that this is what it was.He wasn't a part of the popular groups; he wasn’t going out every night.All by choice.He would pick fights, but he wasn’t a bully.He was standing up for the kids who got bullied.
Shame washes over me; I realize that he was always the good one, the one I should have been with.I ruined every chance to be with him, and I don’t understand exactly how this strange man has made me see this.He didn’t say much while I was explaining the story, and he still remained silent, stroking my hair and wiping my tears long after I finished talking.In a sense, though, just sharing it, vocalizing it, was the only thing I needed to clear my vision.
Ryker, even when he accepted his punishment, was doing me a favor.He only fought enough to not have a criminal record but completely accepted the psych ward option.Everyone had pitied me for having a stalker; that’s what they thought about him.They treated me even better after that night.Friends offered to drive me around since I was without a car.Even people I didn’t know would come to me to say how sorry they were for what happened to me.I became the victim when, in reality, I was not.Ryker was the victim of my choices and my behavior.My lies and manipulation led him to that point.He wasn’t the villain everyone made him out to be;I was.
I had no reason to be that way, no reason to be the bitch I was back then, all so people didn’t notice where I came from.All so they thought I belonged with them.It was all a lie anyway.I don’t belong anywhere.My father didn’t even want me.
What am I doing with my life?This man will see me for the bitch I am too, and he will leave as well.Not that I thought he would stay; he hasn’t shared even the slightest information about himself.He has no intention of staying.I repeated the cycle just now by telling him all that.I am using him to make me feel better, and I am pretty sure he does the same, but that still doesn’t make it okay.
I get up, deciding it is time for this night to come to an end.
