“Your father’s suspicions were true, then.” Upon penetrating her, of course, he’d not met any resistance. There was no indication of her virginity. There would not have been any. Rage contorted his features. “Youdidgive yourself to that bastard in London, didn’t you?” he snarled. “Don’t pretend I have taken your innocence when there was none to give!”
He jammed himself into her again, even more viciously. Tears flowed down Lilly’s face and onto the pillows. Before achieving his release, he jerked out of her, spilling his seed on her thigh. “If you think to pass his bastard off as mine, you’re sorely mistaken.” Standing by the bed, he fumbled with the falls on his pants. His face had turned a splotchy red color she could see, even in the dark. She stared at him in shock. He spokeagain, through labored breaths. “I had hoped your father was mistaken. I had hoped you would be…”
“You had hoped I was more like Rose. But I am not! You may have this marriage annulled now. I did not come to you a virgin.” She closed her legs and let them fall to the side. Her knees shook, and her thighs ached. She tried not to think of the burning sensations he left inside. “The church will annul our marriage. We’ve simply made a mistake, a dreadful mistake!” Her voice wobbled, but she had stopped crying.
“Of course I will not. I made a promise to your father, knowing you were possibly already ruined.” He rubbed his hands together. “I won’t allow you to bring such a scandal upon your parents, upon Rose’s parents and Glenda’s grandparents…I will allow you the protection of my name, but nothing more. You…youare a whore!
“Do not expect to be treated as anything better. You’ve made your bed, and you shall lie in it. God help us if you are indeed with child, for it will never be my heir. I shan’t have it raised in my home. It will never bear my name. If you are with child, you will go into seclusion, and afterwards, it will be sent away.”
Lilly closed her eyes tightly, as though she could imagine herself away from here.
“I find myself in a distressing situation, madam.” His voice was judgmental and condescending. “Your father is a man whom I respect greatly. And your mother, she gave birth to the woman I will love till my dying day, to my Rose.
“We are married, and yet, I cannot respect or esteem you in any way. But what am I to do with you?
“I will not treat you as a wife, as a baroness,” he continued. She glanced up at him upon these words. “Your father has confirmed to me, in no uncertain terms, he is, in fact, dying. I assured him both you and your mother would be cared for,that you would have a place to call home, here at Beauchamp Manor.”
Tears filled Lilly’s eyes again at the mention of her father. He desperately had wanted her to establish security for herself and her mother. But at what cost?
“And you are family to my daughter.” He looked at her thoughtfully. “How am I to treat you as a wife? How can I begin to give you regard as my baroness when you have so thoroughly disgraced yourself? I find myself unable to comprehend doing so.”
Lilly did not speak, torn between anger and guilt. Yes, she had acted impetuously with Michael, but did she really deserve this treatment? Did she deserve this…punishment?What did he expect her to say?I’m sorry I was not a virgin for you? I’m sorry I am not Rose?
“This does not mean, however, that I will not exercise my rights.” He looked down at his fingernails as though examining them. Apparently uncomfortable meeting her eyes while making such a statement, he continued. “I find I do have…needs, and I will not avail myself of a harlot when there is one within my own home.” Finally looking back up at her, he magnanimously declared, “We’ll simply have to make the best of it.”
Lilly flinched when he reached toward her. She hated him. She could never welcome his touch. His lips pinched together in a tight smile, and he chuckled before turning away.
Footsteps echoed as he finally left her, blessedly alone.
Lilly sat up and, with shaking hands, lit the candle beside her bed. There was nothing she wanted more at that moment than to submerge herself in a very long, hot bath. She wanted to scrub herself of his touch again and again. She went to the basin and, with the washrag and towel left from earlier, attempted to wash away his touch. He had taken her so roughly that, ironically, therag came away with streaks of blood. Although the blood was not from the loss of her innocence, it may as well have been. She would never feel pure again. Lord Beauchamp, her husband, had succeeded in making her feel, indeed, like a whore.
Although somewhat dire,her circumstances were not as bad as they could have been. She wasnotwith child. She’d had her courses the week she awaited Michael’s return.
But she was trapped.
She could not run away from her marriage. She must consider her father. She must consider her mother. She must consider Glenda.
Caught in the paralysis of her responsibilities and guilt, she took no action to alter her situation. Her father would be distraught if he knew what had happened, and what with his illness, how could she add to his worries?
Over the next several months, her parents visited a few times, and she saw that her father’s health was, indeed, failing.
Lord Beauchamp had, as warned, intruded into her room on some occasions during the first year. When he touched her, Lilly had learned to close her eyes and imagine she was somewhere else—anywhere else. She did her best to remove herself from reality.
The less she said, the less she did, the shorter the visit was. They weren’t always violent, but they were always demoralizing. And he alwaysmade certain he would not give her a child.
She knew it unworthy of her, but she’d felt it was nothing but a blessing when he’d been diagnosed with consumption. And as the illness took greater hold of him, the nightly visits terminated. She only felt guilty when she was with Glenda.
She would do what she could for her niece. There must be some purpose in her life.
OLD FRIENDS AND NEW
1824
The Willoughbys, as was tradition, hosted the first ball of the season. With the betrothal, arrangements had been made weeks ago for Michael to attend with his fiancée’s family. After dining at the earl’s home, they traveled by carriage and arrived at the ball together. Lady Natalie seemed more relaxed in his company and even managed to carry on a polite conversation for most of the ride. She asked after his friends, for she had met Harris and Danbury on more than one occasion and knew they had attended school together. She seemed pleased to hear both Harris and Danbury would be attending tonight. She expressed how nice it was to have close friends at these events so one wasn’t always forced to make conversations with virtual strangers. Michael nodded and agreed.
Did she considerhima stranger?
Although he watched her lips move and stared into her eyes as she spoke, Michael’s thoughts were elsewhere.
