“Yes, please.” She held out her glass and allowed him to fill it.
“Have I mentioned that you look delightful this evening?” he asked.
“As a matter of fact, you have.” One of the maids at the inn had been able to freshen up her gown and also assist in styling Nia’s hair.
“Nonetheless, it bears repeating.” His eyes twinkled, evoking those familiar warm tingles.
“And you’re looking fine as well.”
Jasper smirked—an expression that managed to be cocksure but humble at the same time, but before either could speak again, two of the maids entered carrying plates and bowls and a basket with steaming bread. The aroma of a savory meal immediately filled the room and although Nia had thought she’d be too nervous to eat, her mouth watered.
Jasper thanked the two women while Nia went to work divvying up servings on the two separate plates. Having spent three solid days traveling with Jasper, she was fairly confident she knew his likes and dislikes. And once they were served, she wasn’t at all self-conscious about her appetite.
“You gave me twice the potatoes you took for yourself,” Jasper commented after the maids closed the door behind them.
“They are your favorite.” Nia took a bite and, when she was finished chewing, added, “I feel as though I know you better than if you’d courted me all spring.” For the most part. He was remarkably transparent when it came to his father and his childhood, and yet she realized he’d left massive gaps when it came to more personal aspects of his life. He’d barely mentioned that he’d had a mistress, but for someone with a reputation for being something of a rake, he didn’t seem overly concerned about leaving his bachelor days behind him. Nor did he brag about his estates or vehicles.
And although most gentlemen spent their days entertaining themselves, she’d hazard he’d surprise her there as well.
“I wish I could have courted you all spring.” His response made her heart skip a beat.
And yet… “Would that have been better? We’d have been under the constant watch of society, barely allowed even a moment alone.” She frowned. “Members of the ton are all encouraged to act exactly the same. To stand out in any way, one risks becoming an outcast. I was always afraid I’d say the wrong thing, or talk to the wrong person. I was so worried about following all the proper rules, I never thought to be myself.” And then she frowned. “I think I lost myself a little.”
“You are yourself with me.” It wasn’t a question.
“I… yes. Yes. I think that I am.” And then she asked, “Do you hide behind a façade?”
“Don’t we all?” He paused, showing Nia a rare glimpse of uncertainty before continuing. “You say society expects you to act a certain way. As a peer, of course, I have considerably more leeway than you’ve been allowed. As ladies are allowed, but…” He frowned.
“But…?”
He shook his head. “It’s nothing compared to what you’ve endured.”
“Please tell me,” she urged.
Nia noticed a tic in his jaw, and then he frowned. “I gained a certain reputation early on as the Piccadilly Player. Ridiculous. But regardless, ever since, I’ve felt as though I’m expected to do the opposite of most gentlemen. Not that I do what’s expected, but I… expect it of myself.” He shook his head a little.
And as convoluted as that seemed, Nia understood. Jasper was, at heart, a deeply honorable gentleman—an honorable person. But his reputation didn’t match who he was in his heart. He wanted to know the kind of love his father had experienced with his mother, but since his father couldn’t tell the difference, he feared that he couldn’t either.
“You are conflicted,” she said.
He nodded in agreement even as he let out a self-deprecating chuckle. “I suppose we all are.”
“But eventually we need to make a choice. Despite everything my father did and didn’t do for me, I feel guilty for having left. And yet, at some point, I needed to trust my own instincts.”
“You are surprisingly wise for one so young.” It was a compliment.
But Nia could not help but ask, “Are you your genuine self with me?”
Jasper nodded. “Yes. I think, most of the time.”
“When are you not? When do you hide behind a façade?”
“I hide”—Jasper exhaled and locked his gaze with hers—“When I’m resisting you.”
The air in the small room grew heavy.
“Oh.” Nia found herself at a loss for words.
