She’d answered an advertisement for God’s sake. She wanted to live her life as an independent widow.
Everything that had happened over the past twelve days had been too good to be true.
“Are you unwell?”she’d asked him on more than one occasion. He winced. She’d even inquired if he was in pain while they’d been making love.
Did he resemble an invalid to her?
“Christ, what a mess.” He didn’t want to look at her. She’d pitied him before, but now she would for an entirely different reason. Like the colleagues he’d confided in, she’d think him mad.
Christian clenched his teeth and stared out the window at the familiar passing scenery. She was no longer furious with him, but of course, she was skeptical. He waited expectantly for her attempts to convince him how senseless his concerns were.
“I won’t attempt to talk you out of it. If anyone could have done that already, you likely would have done it yourself.”
Her words had him glancing at her after all.
“Before Calvin was killed, I could ignore it,” he admitted. Her hand remained resting on his knee. “I don’t mean to do it, you know.” At her curious expression, he flicked his glance to his knee. “It drives Bernadette mad.” And then he immediately regretted his choice of words. “The tapping,” he added.
Lillian’s response to that was to massage the outer edge of his knee with her thumb.
He wanted to believe that at least some of what had transpired between the two of them had been real, had been honest. He’d gotten too greedy, though. What had initially been meant to be a marriage of convenience was muddied now.
She had entered their marriage under false pretenses. How could he expect her to uphold her end of their bargain?
“I might be able to arrange an annulment.” Or purchase one, anyhow. “I apologize for the misunderstanding.” God, and what a mild term that was to describe the poor communication between the two of them.
“Is that what you want?” Her voice sounded timid for the first time since she’d handed him that damn advertisement not quite two weeks ago. Only two weeks? It felt like a lifetime.
He’d almost been happy.
When he didn’t respond, she removed her hand from his leg. “What if I am already with child? You yourself admitted to me that the men in your family were quite potent in that regard. It’s not as though we only did it once. I lost count days ago—”
“What would you suggest, then? I hardly imagine you want to remain with a man who’s betrayed you so blatantly.” Her earlier words still stung. “Even worse, one whom you think ought to be shipped off to Bedlam.”
An annulment was not what he wanted, and yet, he did not want her to stay out of pity. He’d gone into this debacle of a marriage thinking them equal partners. He would get an heir, God Willing, and she the independence that came with widowhood.
“I don’t think you ought to be shipped off to Bedlam. You have reasons for believing what you do. If you hadn’t any reasons”—she shrugged—“perhaps then I might think you were dicked in the nob.”
He frowned. “I’m glad you find this amusing.”
But her expression was one of utmost seriousness. “Christian? I am not laughing at you. I am relieved to know you did not lie to me. Even more importantly, I am so very relieved to know that you are not suffering.” And then she added, “Physically, at least. It broke my heart to think of you in pain.”
“I am going to die, though,” he reminded her. He would not pretend otherwise.
She nodded somberly. “Then I see no reason why we should not go forward as planned.”
“With our marriage, you mean?” he asked, wanting to be absolutely certain. The two of them had already proven to be poor communicators, especially when one of them thought he or she was hearing what he or she wanted to hear.
She nodded. “To provide you with an heir.”
Christian studied her suspiciously. “Just so you are not going ahead with this under any false assumptions… I am going to die, you know.”
“We’re all going to die someday, Christian.” But then she pulled her lips tight. “But yes, I understand that you believe you are going to die sooner than most.”
“I don’t just believe it, Lillian. I know it.”
“Of course.”
They stared at one another, unspeaking for several seconds, almost as though they were having some sort of a standoff, until he eventually nodded. “Just so you understand.”
