She ought to be panicking about everything—about the ring, her betrothal, about the fact that anyone could have come upon them at any moment. But she did not want to move. She wanted to enjoy the feeling of being cared for, protected… desired.
None of her behavior over the last week even remotely resembled choices she would have made any time during the past decade of her life. Why wasn’t she more shocked with herself? Had she suppressed such yearnings for so long that they’d demanded fulfillment at the first opportunity?
Lawrence had loved her, and she had loved her husband in return. And she had found enjoyment in their lovemaking. She had! It had been comforting. It had reaffirmed life, somehow. It had reaffirmed the fact that they were a married couple and shared something special.
On a few occasions, even, she had experienced the most elusive and unexpected occurrence between English married couples:The Petite Morte.
But it had been nothing like this. What had Sebastian said about the two of them? He’d said that it was good.You and me, he had said. Together they were good.
This, she thought, feeling his arms around her, was what he’d been talking about. Not to mention the explosive, unstoppable passion that ignited whenever they touched one another. Would they have discovered it if she’d not mistakenly crawled into his bed that first night?
He was handsome and young. Would he have looked at her twice, let alone struck up a friendship with her? He had said that he would, but he was also a charmer and a flirt.
“Tell me what you are thinking about so hard.” The words, spoken against her forehead, caused her eyes to fly open. He had not moved, nor had he opened his own eyes. He lay still as though sleeping.
She contemplated fabricating something believable and respectable but settled on the truth instead. “Itisgood. You and me.”
He didn’t respond right away but seemed to hold her more tightly. When he did finally speak, his reply surprised her again. Although it should not have. “We ought to enjoy it. While given the opportunity.”
He meant an affair. It wasn’t romance. It wasn’t love.
She’d never imagined herself entering such an arrangement. She was a lady. Ladies married. If they were not married, they were… lonely.
Nonetheless… “I cannot risk it,” she answered. Hugh and Penelope and the twins would suffer the social repercussions for years to come if she was to be discovered carrying on like this. Her own reputation would be damaged beyond repair. Her mother was likely turning in her grave.
But that was not all.
“Youcannot risk it.” If she was to wind up in a vulnerable condition, he’d either feel compelled to offer for her and sacrifice all of his dreams or else he’d be a rogue of the worst kind and abandon her to deal with the consequences alone.
She longed desperately to be in such a vulnerable condition but under far different circumstances.
“There are ways we can prevent repercussions.” His answer reminded her of the French Letters she’d discovered in his pockets.
And what they had just done all of a sudden felt horribly sordid.
She turned and touched his face wistfully but then pushed herself out of his arms to sit up. She should not be dwelling on this right now. She needed to stop acting like a naïve young girl and make some hard decisions regarding her life.
She pushed herself to stand and brushed at her skirts. They were wrinkled. She must look like a harridan.
“You’re beautiful, you know.” He remained on the ground but was sitting now and was squinting up at her, one hand shading his eyes so that he could see her properly. “You will change your mind.”
“Please. Do not.” She turned to stare across the field. “I shall return tomorrow to look again. But I cannot stay away from the manor much longer. George will be wondering where I am, as might a few other curious guests.” She hugged herself and shivered as he rose to stand beside her.
He took her hand though, and then raised it to his lips.
“I’ll walk you down and return to look alone. We’ll find it, Maggie, and like I said, if not, I shall take the blame.”
“I hope so and you absolutely will not.”
He cocked an eyebrow. “We shall see. With any luck, it won’t come to that.”
He went to walk beside her, but she held out a hand, stopping him. “It’s better if I go down alone.”
For an instant, his ever-present confidence seemed to waver, but then just as quickly returned. “If that’s what you wish.” He nodded and she turned to go.
“But, Maggie?”
She halted but did not turn back to look at him.
