Tucker returns and pushes right past my half-hearted break up speech. He consumes me like a starving man. All night. Repeatedly. It’s as though he is branding me. Ruining me for every other man. And I do nothing to stop him.
When he falls asleep, exhausted, curving his body around mine, my mind refuses to turn off. His touch doesn’t feel like that of a man who wants to be rid of me. Surely, this isn’t only about sex to him.
Our connection… It’s more than just physical. It’s almost spiritual… I’m more confused than ever as Tucker’s words repeat themselves over and over in my tormented brain.
Maybe things proceeded too fast. Maybe Tucker wasn’t ready for all the promises, all the forevers. Maybe he’s as confused as I am.
Am I doing us both a favor by leaving tomorrow? By avoiding a dramatic and painful goodbye.
Except a goodbye– for me anyhow– is better than nothing. When you say goodbye, you get to hold the person one last time. Whisper your love, best wishes and all that. Can I really do this? Can I walk away from him?
Sneak away from him?
My suitcases are packed and stored in the hall closet. Jessamine texted me just before Tucker came back and told me Levi would load them up in his truck tonight.
All I have to do is leave our bed without awakening him.
The thought steals my breath.
Because a part of me is addicted to him. And God help me, not just his body, not just the physical. The way his voice slides over me like silk. It must be a Colorado thing. The way his words come out so easy.
All those phone calls over the past month. He’d ask me about my day, and my answer always mattered to him. He’d ask questions, make astute observations. He only offered advice if I wanted to hear it. And always with that sexy, rumbling affection.
How can I live without seeing the heat lurking behind his eyes when he looks at me?
Or the vulnerability he shows me, hidden behind so much strength.
I lie awake. By now I’m afraid to fall asleep. I can’t set an alarm. I’ll never awaken by four thirty on my own.
My phone flashes three forty seven a.m.
Holding back tears, I slide away from Tucker and crouch on the floor. Moonlight casts a cool glow on his skin. In sleep, his mouth his relaxed and tender. Dark thick lashes contrast vividly against the tan hue of his skin.
I’m tempted to run my fingers through his tousled hair one last time.
He is my person. He is my soulmate.
There’s nothing I can do if he doesn’t feel the same.
I tiptoe into the closet and don jeans, T-shirt, sweatshirt and my running shoes. How very appropriate. Irony prods me.
After brushing my teeth and washing my face, I don’t bother with any makeup. It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore.
I don’t allow myself to look at him again when I creep past the bed. I’m afraid that if I do I’ll break down.
I don’t want him to keep me here out of some misguided pity.
I don’t understand but his words to his mom were crystal clear.
Without looking back, I slip out the door and downstairs.
Windows along the stairs reveal hints of a spectacular sunrise glowing behind the nearby mountains. A clock hanging on the wall reveals that it’s nearly five already. I took longer than I realized. Perhaps I’d been caught up in my doubts.
“Isabella.” It’s Levi. He’s standing by the entrance to the kitchen, wearing his hat, Wranglers and boots. These brothers look so similar to one another, and for a moment his appearance sends a shiver through me. “You sure about this?” His whisper carries easily in the quiet of the morning.
I’m not but I nod my head anyway. All I’m carrying is my purse and my phone. I haven’t told Ashlee yet. I’ll text her from the airport maybe.
Or maybe I’ll take an Uber and just surprise her at home. I dread hearing her “I told you so.” Except she isn’t like that. She’ll buy me three or four flavors of ice cream, finish off a few bottles of wine with me, and then hug me when I cry.
