He was not fool so much to believe men wouldn’t resort to violence over such a large sum of money. It seemed nearly every gentleman in London now had a stake in the outcome.
None that mattered so much as his own.
His head knew what needed to be done, but it hadn’t lined up with his heart, and with his soul.
If he were to participate, it would mean he approved of such behavior. Even worse, if he were to take any winnings from the wager, she’d always doubt his affection. It would stand between the two of them throughout their lives.
God knew his desire had absolutely nothing to do with winnings and could only be attributed to her allure and his own weaknesses.
Which beckoned altogether differing bouts of guilt.
He’d wanted her for so long that he questioned his motives for wanting to marry her.
Was it only lust or did his feelings amount to something more? Protection, yes. Compassion, of course.
“Carlisle! Wait up!”
Justin turned in time to see his cousin practically running to catch up with him.
He’d not wanted to speak to anyone. He’d needed time to himself. But this was Prescott. This was Dev, who’d always been there for him.
He waited until Dev was even before turning to march along the dirt path once again. He’d not make conversation unless Dev insisted.
“Why don’t you just marry her? Put an end to all of this?”
Ah, so Dev had something to say.
Justin swiped his stick at a perfectly innocent flower that dared to be blooming prettily this afternoon. “Damn them all to hell, you know why, Dev.” The mountain of bills he’d met with at Carlisle House came to mind, along with the leaking roofs and leaning walls that plagued the tenant dwellings he’d come across.
He remembered what it had felt like to be hungry. He remembered once again what the desperation had driven his mother to do.
“And yet you won’t allow me to assist you in any of this?”
Justin refused to acknowledge the question.
Dev persisted. “You have provided comfort and guidance for my family for as long as I’ve known you. You have always been a sort of spiritual touchstone. You’ve a strength we all lacked. And that has bolstered us. Nothing we’ve done for you has been charity.”
Justin appreciated the sentiments of his cousin, but he could not continue to depend upon others to meet his responsibilities. It made him feel less of a man somehow.
At that moment, he stopped suddenly, nearly causing Dev to barrel into him. “Would you do it, Dev? Would you allow another man to pay for your family’s needs?” Justin swiped his hat off his head and found himself wanting to pitch it into the trees and shrubs nearby. “Especially if there was something you, yourself could do to absorb the costs?”
Dev stared at him with narrowed eyes.
“I’d do whatever it took to take care of Sophia and our child. I’d lie. I’d steal. I’d kill.”
“Fuck you!” Justin exploded, sending his hat flying.
He had spent the last decade studying the word of God, teaching others the difference between right and wrong. How could he now disregard everything he valued?
“I’ve refused to wager upon her honor, not because I care for her so little, but because I care for her so much.”
Dev shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Does no good to care for her if you cannot be with her every night. If you cannot hold her in your arms, protect her from harm, make her smile.”
Justin had imagined all of those things and more. His eyes stung at the thought of giving her up. “I more than care for her. I love her.”
Prescott’s hand landed upon his shoulder. “Then do whatever it takes to keep her.” And just like that, Dev turned around and headed back in the direction from where he’d come.
“I love her,” Justin whispered in awe. Could the answer truly be so simple as that? He glanced down at his feet, at the flower he’d all but shattered with his temper.
