I’m left with the words that she plans to stay out of my way, which I should be glad about, but for some reason, I’m not. I stay frozen to my spot. Everyone is walking around me, but I keep looking as they fade from view.
I knew I should’ve left it alone.
I walk to Greek Row since it’s closer than my dorm room across campus. I enter the frat house, upturning my head at some of the other guys before going up the stairs to Chase’s room. Emotions course through me and the energy is starting to wear off. Exhaustion comes out to play, feeding off my mental state.
The part that not many people talk about is how different it feels to be talking with someone you used to know. There was once upon a time that I couldn’t imagine living life without her, and now, I can’t believe I have. I sigh at the feelings swirling in my heart and mind. One of the other things I’ve stowed in this room, out of sight, out of mind, are my old sketchbooks, which are now peeking out from where I stuffed them in the closet. The ones Mom packed in my suitcase when I was coming up here. The ones I haven’t touched since.
Standing, I move to grab each of them, beginning to flip through them, further breaking my heart, yet I don’t care. There was a time I died on the hill that I would never see Bianca again, and now that I have, all our memories before the fight have been bombarding me. I look down at the hours and hours of work, tears running down my cheeks. Flipping to the last page, there’s a folded piece of paper taped to it.
Confused because I don’t remember what it is, I open it gently and see her writing, and more tears make their way down my face.
Dear Liam,
It’s been a bit since we’ve written letters to each other, but I wanted to do it so you could have a more recent letter from me.I wanted to say I hope you do amazing at football tryouts, and I’ll be waiting for your call. I love hearing your voice...always.
Love, your lucky charm and best friend,
Bianca
Instantly, I’m transported back to when I got this in the mail on my first day of high school. I trace over the writing and smile at how she would always draw something different over the I in her name.
Sometimes it was a flower, an X, a normal dot, but especially for me, she would always use a heart. My heart stutters as the little girl I’m remembering morphs into the woman I just saw leave. She looks as beautiful as ever, and I hate that I noticed. I hate how I’m going back and forth. After two hours of sitting on the bed while staring at the wall—as that’s all I can emotionally manage right now—the door lock turns and Chase walks in. My face hardens at the sight of him.
“You catch her?” I don’t even acknowledge the question, my brain taunting me that much more, and he sighs. “You know, we’ve been roommates since freshman year, and we’ve had a total of five conversations.” I look up at him. “I’ve been living with someone for two years, and I know next to nothing about him. Well, until now.” He walks toward the bed, sits, and leans his head against the wall. “Look, I get it. To you, we’re not friends, but Idocare about you, dude.”
Clenching my hands, I stare down at the designs on them. Every single one of these tattoos has represented a time when I’ve thought of Bianca, when the thought of her hurt so bad that only a tattoo machine could ease the pain. In the years I’ve known Chase, I’ve never felt bad for being the way I am with him, and I hate that I do tonight.
Feeling like he’s probably getting nowhere with me, he sighs again, almost hurt, and waves me off.
“I swear if you tell anyone about this, I’ll castrate you.” His eyes widen, and I look at him, trying to spot even a hint of malice in his gaze. I rub my neck, the muscle aching slightly. “When I was eight years old, I met this girl.” His mouth drops open slightly. He beckons me to keep going, even though my pride is screaming at me. I need to tell someone what’s going on in my head, or I’m going to lose it. “She was ... well, the most amazing person you could ever meet. She was sweet, kind, selfless, and she had my heart the moment I saw her.” His eyes soften slightly from the corner of my vision, but I still refuse to make eye contact.
“We grew up living right next to each other, and as the years went by, I fell more and more in love with her. I’d even tell her that I’d marry her one day. She would always laugh at that, yet she never knew that everything I told her was true. Everything I ever promised.” I take a deep breath, wanting to be as emotionless as possible. I need to sound like these are just facts of my life, not the very reason I still breathe ... the reasons I still live for. “Anyway, when I was twelve, I found out she was moving, and of course, I was crushed. I thought nothing would come between us, until her thirteenth birthday. I had a football game on that day, and I swore I would call. But I didn’t, and we had a fight.”
I look up, thinking that he probably isn’t paying attention. I’m surprised to see him hanging on to every word. “She said she felt left out, when funnily enough, I was feeling the exact same thing. She had new friends, and I got insecure I would become someone she outgrew.” I inhale sharply and chuckle self-deprecatingly. “I decidedto give her space, but when I tried to call later, it didn’t go through. I tried again the next day, but nothing, so I stopped.” I lift my arm. “I got these tattoos because of her. She left this gaping hole in me, and this is all that’s helped, but it’s never gone away.” I close my eyes. “Shenever went away. She stayed the whole five years, and even though there were weeks I wouldn’t think of her, something would trigger it ...”
I trail off, allowing Chase to speak up. “The universe made you remember her.” I nod as I see some of my feelings mirroring back, and it makes me wonder if Chase has gone through something similar.
“Yeah, and now she’s coming to MC in two months and conveniently lives a hop, skip, and a jump away from my parents.” Sarcasm drips from my words, and taking a deep breath while blinking quickly, I put my head in my hands to compose myself. After a few minutes, I fully make eye contact with Chase, not knowing what to expect.
He whistles lowly. “Wow.” I chuckle at that while rubbing my hands through my hair. “That’s the most I’ve ever heard you talk.” I roll my eyes and chuckle. Leave it to Chase to joke around.
“She walked away today. Said we should stay out of each other’s way,” I add.
A pensive look is fixed on his face, almost as if he’s trying to make sense of something. “Do you still love her? After all this time?”
Ding ding ding!Ladies and gentlemen, Chase Collins really knows the right questions to ask. I think about it, and something inside of me says yes, but ... “No. I’m chasing the comfort—the memories—of her. I have enough respect for myself, and I refuse to harbor feelings for someone who’s trampled all over them. I don’t wanna even be near her. Just the thought of her being next to me”—makes me wanna melt—“makes me wanna bolt,” I finish, my mouth and heart having differing opinions.
He sighs at that, almost as if he wants to tell me otherwise. “Then be indifferent.” I look at him, confused. “She’s practically infiltrated your life, right?” I nod. “And, she said she wants nothingto do with you, which I think is a load of bull because eyes never lie, but that’s beside the point ...” He rambles, and I raise an eyebrow. “Honor her wishes then: If she stays away from you, then stay away from her.” He takes a deep breath. “I was in love with this really popular girl. She was my sister’s best friend, still is actually. I thought we were really close, and as much as it’s hard to believe, I didn’t look like I do now. I was bigger, not exactly overweight, but I still didn’t like my body. I eventually confessed my feelings after we graduated high school, but well ...”
“I’m sorry, Chase,” I say as he shrugs, a hand mussing up his hair. “Maybe you’re not as shallow as I thought.” He looks at me, exasperated with faux annoyance. “I’m serious, I thought you studied on occasion and slept with anything that moved.”
He chuckles. “I learned a long time ago that people don’t want the real you. They expect the person tailored to them, so it’s what I dish out.” He does a little bowing gesture, and damn if that doesn’t hit straight in the heart. We stay in a comfortable silence, and I realize he seems like a genuine person. Not that I’m ready to skip around in a circle and sing “Kumbaya” with him or anything.
“For the record, I really do think she’s lying,” he says.
I sigh at that and lie down while turning the lamp off. He says nothing, but rather gets on his phone while my thoughts bombard me. The girl who haunts my every thought will be a ten-minute walk from where I’ll be during the summer. Yet, my mind also thinks about that guy who grabbed her and the way Ms. Kate hugged him ... How the spite in his eyes toward Bianca makes me want to protect her, and I don’t think she wants it.
She doesn’t want me, and I need to learn to accept that.
