I slightly pull again at my hair, a nervous habit, sighing at things I’ve been trying to forget for five years. Things I want to erase,memories I want to get rid of—but there’s a part of me that won’t let me. It’s the reason for my suffering. I sigh, rubbing a hand over my face before beginning to fidget with the rings on my fingers, which sit there subtly emphasizing the elaborate designs on my hands.
It’s been a long time since she left. I was practically a child. Turning twenty-one soon has really put a lot on me, especially when I realized my life isn’t going the way I thought it would. Tracing the somewhat healed calluses on my palms, I close my eyes and think about how old habits die hard.
While football was my pride and joy, I never pursued it seriously. I had only tried out to have something that would keep my mind off Bianca’s move. But at eighteen, my passion for football turned into one for tattooing. Enough pain and motivation needed to be transferred to something, and my body paid the price. It became my canvas, causing me to be covered from the neck down in tattoos.
Of course, I’ve heard it all from everyone.
That I’ve ruined my body.
I’ll never get a job looking like I do.
It’ll look horrible when I get older.
A stupid dare sparked it. Then, when I felt the relief of the little needles puncturing the skin, it silenced the chaos in my head. I couldn’t stop; now I’m responsible for almost sixty percent of all the ink on myself. At first, it was a lot for me to get used to, especially since the bouquet of tulips on my hand was not all I wanted. Mom freaked out, and so did Dad, but it became the norm.
So, over time, I returned almost every other month for something new, and because of it, I discovered an underlying passion for drawing. The artists back home became my mentors and are the only reason I am where I am, causing me to apply to every parlor within a five-mile radius when I came to Mella Colta.
Looking back down at my sketchbook, I flip through the pages, the subtle similarities practically jumping off the paper. Orion’s Belt, Ursa Major, the little freckles dotted over the bridge of every person’s nose and cheeks.
It’s been years, yet my mind continually tortures me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a long time, and obviously thinking about her every day isn’t healthy. So, there will be days, even weeks, where I feel healed ... Well, healed enough to ignore the hurt.
Then, a memory, a scent, a song—I’m thrust back into the abyss of our ended friendship. I guess in some sort of sick way, my subconscious always makes me draw those little freckles to feel closer to her. Hard as it is to admit, I sometimes replay our conversations in my head, but the one I remember the most is the one we had the day before it all fell apart.
I laughed as I saw Bianca put her “new” phone on her desk, then moved to sit on her bed.
“Freckles, what are you doing?” I asked, and she looked at me, facepalming herself. She must’ve forgotten I was here.
“Sorry, I was just trying to get comfortable.”
“Ah. So, how was your day today?” I grabbed a piece of candy and she smiled.
“It was nice. We went to the space center, and thankfully, since Jamie and I are getting close, we spent the day glued to each other. The trip being a day before my birthday made it that much better. Plus, these other girls hung out with us too, I loved it.” Something ached in my chest, this fear that she might be moving on without me, but I tried with all my might to not let it show.
I cleared my throat and tilted my head down. “I’m glad you had fun,” I said, half meaning it. I selfishly wished that I could have been with her.
“Yeah. It would’ve been one hundred times better if you could have been there, though.” She pouted slightly, and my eyes drifted down, but I quickly recovered. The ache shifted to a jump in my chest, and a whole-body blush washed over me. I ran a hand over my face, hoping it helped me calm down, and she noticed. “You okay? Are you thinking about the game tomorrow?”
“It’s been brutal, and Andrew said he’ll try to see if I can play. Coach is pushing all of us pretty hard.”
She huffed and crossed her arms. “You should be first string. You’re literally amazing at everything, Liam. I know you would do great if given the chance.”
I shrugged, not letting the thought linger in my head so as to not build up hope. “He’s the coach, he knows what’s best.” Shestared at me with an exasperated look, but I interrupted her before she could say anything else. “C’mon, Freckles, keep telling me about the trip.” That beautiful smile came back to her face and I sat there, easily listening to my girl.
“I love stars. They’re so far away yet shine so bright. They light up the night sky and look small, but aren’t. They’re so underrated to everyone here in Philly, but I love them so much,” she ranted with a sparkle in those endless blue eyes, and my heart skipped a beat.
“I love them too, Freckles,” I said, completely dazed. She smiled at me, and I thought to myself,just like I love you.
The memory dissipates, bringing me back to reality. Sometimes, I wonder what she might be doing, which makes my heart ache, and I hate that.
Why can’t I get her out of my head?
In the middle of my wallowing, people start shuffling in, so I slip out unnoticed and walk back to my room, hoping Chase is done. I sigh as I turn the corner to the hall, and my mind, as always, drifts back to Bianca.
Sometimes I wish she never let us go, because I sure wasn’t ready to.
I mentally prepare myself for what I might witness again, shutting my eyes. Sliding my keycard through the slot, the light flashing green, I peek with one eye. Pushing inside the room slowly, I find Chase with his laptop open. Sighing in relief, I shut the door, walk to my side of the room, and get my laptop out of my backpack.
“Well, hello to you too, sunshine.”
