The machete, though? I’m still top ranking with this bad boy. I rarely take it off of my belt loop. However, the belt is on its last loop now that my belly has grown. Pam says I’m still on the smaller side in terms of bumps and from all those books I have read and re-read I’d agree with her. Almost everyone here has reassured me that it’s nothing to worry about and that somewomen don't pop till the last minute. Either that or it’s just my genetics and being on the taller side.
Every now and then a pang of longing happens when I remember my mum isn’t here to guide me through this. I wish she were here to tell me what it was like for her when she was carrying Ru and me. Both my parents were tall, hence mine and Ru’s height. But Liam? He’s fucking huge, so let's just say I’m a little worried about the actual birth.
I’d told Liam just as much and of course the dafty came back with a shit eating grin and a plan.
The memory makes me giggle and I bring my hand to my mouth to stifle my laugh. I can’t be laughing out here alone — throwing knives at a target — people will think I’ve lost it.
But I can't help myself. Liam had sat me down, looking all serious for a second and explained the importance of perinatal massage and how in hisresearched opinion,he should be starting to do them now.
I’d gaped like a fucking idiot as what he was saying sank in. Did he seriously want to massage my butt? And sure as hell I’d asked him that but all I got in response was a determined head nod and him pulling my legs so that I slid down the bed, right into his inspecting gaze.
He’d lasted all of two minutes before his mouth was on me and I was moaning his name.
And not an ounce of me was complaining.
Anyway, it has now been incorporated into our daily routine at Liam’s insistence.
‘What are you giggling about?’ A familiar voice interrupts my thoughts and I feel my cheeks immediately blush. ‘You finally gone mad on us?’
With a squeak of the soles of my shoes, I spin to look at my brother'sotherbest friend. Vishrut stands before me tall andhandsome as the sun shines down upon us both. His brown skin glows in the light and his kind eyes take me in.
Younger me would be blushing at the way he’s giving me so much attention. Hell, that version of me would probably be hearing wedding bells and picking out dresses, but now? Now my mind wanders to another man, a man that looks at me like I’m his world.
‘You look happy, Isla.’ Vish smiles.
I feel happy.
Happier than I’ve maybe ever felt. Even before the virus I struggled, my emotions felt like they were being swallowed by my anxiety. Now it feels like I’m standing on top of it. It’s like I rule my anxiety rather than it ruling me.
‘I am,’ I press my lips together in an attempt not to smile too much at my admission.
I don’t think my anxiety will ever go away and that’s okay because it doesn’t define me. I may be anxious but I’m still a fucking badass.
An anxious baddie if you will.
And I’ll fucking kill anyone who tries to take the happiness I’ve found here.
‘I bet they’re so proud of you, wherever they are.’ Vish looks around. ‘You’ve grown into such a strong and incredible woman and you’re going to be the best mum, I know it.’
Emotion clogs my throat at the mention of my parents. ‘Thank you.’
‘I see you’re still honing that anger,’ he nods to the knives protruding from the wooden board.
I laugh, ‘can’t be getting sloppy.’
‘Not in this world, no.’ He almost looks sad for a moment, but he schools his features perfectly back into the teasing dafty I remember him to be. ‘You’ve got to keep Liam on his toes too.’
‘No worries on that front,’ I laugh awkwardly.
We’ve not really approached the whole Liam conversation, but it hasn’t gone unnoticed that their relationship has become strained. The second Liam spotted me with Vishrut I watched something in his gaze change towards his friend and it’s not turned back.
‘I’m happy for you both, really Isla.’ His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes and I know he’s holding something back.
‘Are you… okay?’
He sighs, scratching the back of his head.
‘In all honesty? I’m a wee lost. It’s lonely for a lot of us and seeing both Ru and Liam so happy is great but it’s also… You feel what you’re missing. You know what I mean?’
