‘Which is?’
‘Leave.’
‘Isla…’ Ru reaches for me but I shift away.
‘I know you didn’t mean to. Vish told me what happened that night, and honestly?’ A tightness forms in my chest. ‘I knew you’d never leave me like that so I assumed you were dead. But then I resented you even more because either way you’d left me all alone in this world. Deep down I knew the truth but all these years I’ve been filled with so much hatred because if I didn’t seep into the hatred then I’d fall into…’
Big arms wrap around me and I let them this time, falling into the embrace of my big brother. He knows, I don’t have to say it because he knows, so does everyone else in this stadium. We have all felt the bottomless pit of fear. It is the only constant left in this fucked up world.
‘I’m sorry for hating you.’ I admit.
‘You don’t need to apologise. I get it.’ Ru holds my shoulders, his voice gentle as he speaks. ‘I embraced that darkness these past years too. If you hating me kept you alive, then I’m glad for it. And believe me I know how fucking stubborn you can be and,’ he whistles. ‘When you’re angry, no ones getting in your way.’
I laugh with him, us both remembering my teenage outbursts.
‘What happened with the person you liked?’
‘Stephanie?’
He nods, ‘Fauna accidentally mentioned her, but told me to mind my own business whenever I’ve tried to get anything else out of her.’
That’s my best friend. Always got my back, even when it comes to keeping secrets from her man.
I nibble on my bottom lip, contemplating where to start with explaining an incredibly underwhelming story.
‘She was a nurse at the camp. Funny and caring.’ I laugh, surprised I didn’t see the similarities sooner. ‘A lot like Liam in that sense. We got to know each other and I started to like her more and more…’
‘So you’re bisexual?’ He asks hesitantly.
‘Yes? Maybe? I mean, I’m not really sure. I’ve never tried to categorise it — never felt the need to. I just like who I like… Maybe more personality-based. If that makes sense?’
‘Yes, it makes sense.’ Ru smiles. ‘So… what happened?’
I sigh, twisting my hands together. ‘Nothing. She just stopped speaking to me. Then I found out she transferred to a different camp. No one even knew about us anyway. I’d asked some people I thought were her friends and they’d said she’d known about the transfer for weeks.’ My nose tingles with embarrassment and unshed tears. ‘She left and never came back, just like…’
I stop myself before I can finish that thought. I’m such a stupid, selfish girl.
‘Just like everyone else?’ Ru finishes for me, silent understanding written in his features.
Not able to hold his gaze, I look at my hands like a coward.
This is why I prefer not to speak. My thoughts are selfish and I’m well aware how irrational they are too. How can I even begin to explain why my head has rationalised my parents leaving and never coming back as abandoning me?
What type of self-centred bitch does that? Everyone has suffered loss like me. It’s not their fault a deadly virus killed most of the population.
‘You were young, Isla. And you went through so much.’ Ru says, nudging my arm.
I look at him, a tear escaping my lashes. ‘So was everyone.’
He smiles sadly, ‘And everyone has a right to their own baggage. It doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to have your own.’
‘What if this is all too good to be true?’ I look around at the stadium.
It’s beautiful, a pocket of hope in such a grey world. Inside these walls, everything is brimming with life. The bleating of lambs, the shuffling of people picking crops, and the random piles of glitter scattered around the place. It’s all so magical, too good to be real.
Everyone is so happy here. Well, in their own ways they are. Most people are halfway to crazy or constantly pissed off, but at least no one is murdering each other, or worse.
‘Then we deal with that issue when it comes to it.’ Ru looks across the stadium and I follow his gaze, finding Liam entertaining a hyperactive group of kids. ‘But we need to learn to enjoy the good things when they’re here instead of worrying how long they’ll last.’
