Really what was I thinking? I should have taken one look at that stupid mask and seen the red flags dancing around it, never mind the cringeworthy crown he has painted onto it. I must have been really desperate. So desperate that my standards ran away and have only just started to come scurrying back.
‘Hiya, Elsa. I’m Fauna and these are my friends.’ We all oddly wave at the child, none of us quite sure how to interact with a little human.
Nobody can blame us. We can barely socialise with other adults as it is without attacking them first and saying hello later.
I smirk, glancing at Ru as the memory of Luna and the others’ first reaction to seeing my brother. He glances back at me, eyescurious, but I don’t hold his gaze, sickness rising to my stomach. I’m not ready to let him back in, not after spending so many years fending for myself.
‘Elsa!’
Elsa shrugs her shoulders up as she holds a small fist over her mouth, doing a terrible job at concealing an expression that can only be described as oops.
‘Girl, you better get your little butt over here or you'll be sleeping with the pigeons,’ an elderly lady croaks as she waggles a finger at the girl. A tea towel hanging from the fist that is pinned to her hip.
‘I love the pigeons,’ Elsa chirps, skipping over to the elderly woman. ‘Sorry maw maw.’
‘Looks like you need to work on your threats of punishment, Pam. I’ve been talking her out of sleeping with them most nights since I showed her them.’ Liam laughs.
‘Don’t you start,’ her finger waggles some more before she takes us in, her expression morphing into one of a grandmother about to fuss over her family. ‘Oh dear baby Jesus and the donkey. What a beautiful sight.’
She clutches her heart, melting into the wooden stand behind her.
‘Everyone’s fucking nuts, even here.’ Elizabeth whispers into my ear and I smother a laugh.
She’s not wrong. So far the people we’ve met are a guy boiling bones (thankfully it looked like animal ones this time or else I think Fauna would have dropkicked my brother and made a swift exit), a screaming banshee of a child dressed as some sort of fairy pirate and an old lady talking about baby donkey Jesus.
And I thought we were the nut jobs.
How many other unusual people are housed in this stadium-turned-circus?
I don’t know when the Grandma started crying but she is, her eyes watery as she swipes her towel across her cheeks, quickly blinking them away.
‘Aww Pam, you big softie.’ Liam says, ‘I bet the girls would love to try some of your famous roasties. I told Fauna all about them.’
‘Oh yes…’ she clears her throat. ‘We will get a batch wacked in the oven in no time.’ Pam takes little Elsa’s hand, the girl taking this as her cue to go help her gran. ‘You all get settled in and make yourselves at home.’
Rest is the opposite of what we get.
Ru has dragged us around every square inch of this god forsaken stadium and my lower back is screaming. Who in their right mind would take a six-month pregnant lady on a tour up and fucking down thousands of stairs?
He's lost the plot, completely. And so has everyone else in here.
I stare, unable to believe my eyes, as Ru explains to us with such certainty that the flock of pigeons that live in one of the top stands are their pets.
And to make matters even worse he tells us that their keeper is Liam.
I mean, seriously, could it get any worse?
Turns out it can because as I finally decide to take a peek at the mistake that got me pregnant, after spending the whole tour refusing to look his way I instantly regret it. The big idiot is stoodthere proud as peach with three. Not one, not two but three pigeons perched on his shoulders.
Why am I cursed?
Those fucking apocalypse god’s Fauna is always chatting about have well and truly fucked me over in this life and now — because that wasn’t enough — they’ve decided to turn my life into a comedy. They must have been getting bored with it because they’ve mixed it up by attaching me to this fool for the rest of my life.
‘Why pigeons?’ Luna asks the question we are all wondering.
A horse I’d understand but these? This has to be a joke.
Liam strokes the beak of the pigeon on his left shoulder and it affectionately nuzzles into his palm. ‘They are incredibly intelligent and loyal. Plus, they lived here first, it didn’t seem fair to throw them out.’
