Breathe.
You’re having a panic attack, not a heart attack.
I press my palms against the cool metal of the stall door and try to remember the breathing technique Dorcas taught me. In for four counts, hold for four, out for four. Except I can’t count to four because my brain won’t cooperate, it just keeps replaying that moment on the balcony over and over and over.
Veil’s beautiful face when he asked me to be his girlfriend...and how he had whitened when I just gave him the dumbest excuse to run away.
Oh God, what is wrong with me?
The question echoes in my head, accusatory and loud, and I don’t have an answer.
Why can’t I just say yes?
Why can’t I just be normal about this?
He loves me, I love him, it should be simple, except nothing about me has ever been simple, and Joseph’s voice is in my head saying boring, boring, boring, and what if Veil realizes the same thing, what if he figures out I’m not interesting enough to be a duke’s girlfriend, what if—
My throat closes up completely.
This is a panic attack.
I know what these feel like. Joseph gave me plenty of them over three years. Every time he made me feel small, every time he looked at me like I was disappointing him, every time he canceled plans because I wasn’t exciting enough.
But this time it’s different.
This time I’m not panicking because someone hurt me.
I’m panicking because I might lose something precious. Something I didn’t even know I wanted until I flew to Wyoming with a stranger who held my hand while I cried.
God, I’m so scared.
Tears prick my eyes when I realize that I’m praying for the first time.Reallypraying and not just saying the words my mom expects me to say.
Mom’s believed in God all my life. She prays every morning, reads her Bible every night, talks about Him like He’s a person she knows personally. And I’ve always loved that about her, loved her faith, but I never really saw the need for it myself.
Because she’s done such an awesome job showing me that money doesn’t make the world go round, I just never thought I needed anything. That it would be even selfish of me to pray, when I already appreciate what I have.
But now...I finally get it.
What Mom’s understood all along even though she’s the strongest person I know.
Life is impossible without God.
You can try your best to survive. Maybe there will be days or even years that you think you’re doing great. But there will always come a time when you realize that you just can’t do it without Him, and that moment for me...is now.
Because while it terrifies me to death to trust another man with my heart—
Please God.
I know He’ll give me courage...
And the moment that thought pops in my mind, a memory surfaces from out of the blue—
I’m maybe six years old, sitting on Mom’s lap in our tiny apartment, and she’s reading me a children’s Bible. The pages were colorful, the pictures simple, and I was probably more interested in the illustrations than the words, but Mom was reading anyway, her voice patient and warm and full of love.
And the words are suddenly right there in my head, clear as day:
“This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”
