It was too quiet. Nothing but my labored breathing and the roaring in my ears could be heard in the endless silence.
I needed Everett, but he wasn’t here. He was never here. Lucy, she was her though, watching me carefully, and Merlin, he was here. Somewhere. He was always there.
“It’s okay.”
My head whipped around, my lungs freezing when my gaze landed on a pair of bright green eyes.
Emily closed her book, her big eyes kind. She offered a small smile as Lucy moved closer, pressing herself into my other side, my hand instinctively finding her side, threading into her fur, squeezing, just to make sure she was real.
I had to make sure she was real. I had woken up too many times and she hadn’t been there. I had to be sure.
“It’s the first night in a long time you haven’t been given anything to sleep. We weren’t sure how you’d do, but you’re safe. You’re at your house.” She nodded towards the door, sealed shut. Why was it shut? “Evelyn is in her room, sleeping, I thought I’d check on you. You were screaming.”
I couldn’t relax. I couldn’t breathe. Screaming? No, I had stopped screaming a long time ago, I made sure of it. I made sure I never screamed again. They weren’t allowed to have that noise ricocheting in their minds as if they owned it. Those things weremine. Mine.
But I went to touch my throat anyway, only to stop before my fingers found it. I hated not feeling the collar, so I forced my hand down and glanced towards my nightstand where I had put a little bed of paper and napkins for Merlin.
I reached over and gently pushed away a few of the napkins to make sure he was still there. Once I confirmed it, I was able to sit back a little more, Lucy adjusting herself so that her paws and head were resting on my lap.
My eyes found the window behind Emily, where I could see apartial view of the street and the house next door. Still there, still real.
“I don’t know if I ever told you how cute Merlin is,” she smiled as I glanced towards the sealed door. I wanted it open; I wanted it…
I froze when I found Everett sitting in a chair on my other side, halfway between me and the door. His head had fallen back, his mouth hanging open, soft snores coming from his lips.
What was he doing here? He wasn’t supposed to be here. He was gone. I knew he was gone, so what was he doing here?
My brows furrowed the longer I watched him though. I had never seen him sleep before. He looked so…innocent.
“He’s been right there since you got back,” Emily said, pulling my attention back. “Always next to you every single night. I’m actually shocked he’s still asleep, what with all of that noise you were making, but I suppose he must be exhausted too.”
What? No, he wasn’t. No. I would have seen him. I would have heard him. I would have felt his presence. He wasn’t there.
Emily searched my eyes and nodded. “We were worried you wouldn’t know that. Yeah, Everett hasn’t left. I mean he has, to go to the bathroom at night, after you’ve fallen asleep, to run a few errands with Grey or Azrael. But every waking moment of yours is a waking moment of his.”
I turned back to him, watching him sleep for a few seconds longer before I leaned my head back as I turned back to the window. I could feel the truth in her words, and it still hurt. I should have noticed him. I should have felt him.
But wasn’t it better that I didn’t? Wasn’t it better that I didn’t notice him? Because what would have happened had I turned around and he had been there? Would I have gouged his eyes out like I had those other men, the black fog taking over, forcing us into a deadly battle? Or would I have run into his arms and hugged him as tightly as I could, never letting him go?
I had no idea what would’ve happened. I wish I knew. I wish I knew so that I could tell him. I wish my voice worked so I could explain to him that something was wrong, but I didn’t know what. That I needed help, but I didn’t want to hurt him.
But the words wouldn’t come. The emotions wouldn’t come, and I was left staring out the window again.
“Liv, I think the real problem that you’re facing right now is that you felt so much for so long that your mind is now trying to protect your body from feeling any more of it. I think that’s why you can’t talk. I think that’s why you haven’t reacted.”
My eyes found hers. Is that what she thought? That the reason I couldn’t feel anything anymore, the reason I couldn’t speak of my own freewill was because my mind was trying to protect me?
That had to be bullshit.
“You have PTSD, Olivia,” she went on gently. “And the next few days, weeks, months, years maybe, it’s going to be really hard. Harder than what you just went through because now,” she went on softly, “now you’ve got to figure out how to live with it.”
I worked my jaw. I didn’t want to have to do that. I shouldn’t have to do that. I shouldn’t have tofigure outhow to live like this now.
Emily searched my eyes, so many thoughts going through them, that it was hard to keep track. “I don’t know what it is about them,” she finally said, glancing to Everett and back, “but they all seem to have this…this knack for finding the most broken girls in the world. Girls with impossible stories. Girls with pasts that should have destroyed them. Girls who either push them away with everything they are or fight them every chance they get.”
Her eyes fell to her arm, and she ran her fingers over raised lines. I could only just make them out from the light streaming in through the window. Perfect straight little lines.
My brows furrowed and my head lifted. “You cut yourself?”
