She shut my door, and I took the moment to look back towards the building. Just a nondescript warehouse in the middle of some old part of the city that was hardly visited. The perfect place for a makeshift, black-market hospital.
“Okay, let’s get you home. People have been asking about you,” she told me as we finally pulled away from the curb. “Ms. Berry asked about a berry cobbler and there was a woman down the street, um…” Her face twisted. “Luinda, she said her kids wanted to go get coffee sometime. I did a background check on all three of them. Good women. Kasey is in nursing school, Mags is a graphic designer, FYI in case you need a new cover designer, and Frankie, she’s getting into pet grooming, wanted Lucy to be her first client.”
I watched the city go by as we drove. I missed the suburbs. I missed all of those people. The best and worst night of my life happened on the Fourth. I wasn’t sure whether to be grateful for that night or horrified.
I had no idea how I was going to respond yet, how my body would react when we finally got to that street, all I knew was that I was grateful Evelyn looked into them before leaving me there again. “Why did he come back clean?”
I could feel her eyes on me as soon as I spoke. I could feel the excitement in the air, radiating off of her. She thought this was a shift in my healing, and maybe it was. I couldn’t really be sure. If there was anything I had learned listening to Emily and Rae, it was that healing wasn’t linear. It couldn’t be. Healing was everywhere, chaotic and destructive, and sometimes it fucking sucked. It wasn’t predictable or easy to follow. It just…it wasn’t linear, and I really,reallywished it was.
“Because hewasa Detective,” she explained, her voice a mixture of chilling anger and guilt. “He did everything he said he did. Worked out of Falcon, went on patrol, all of those things. The connection was between he and Lillian, which we didn’t know because there was no physical record of it. They didn’t text or call or anything. They met about a month and a half before you moved, he was manipulated easily, already on the dirty side, but not enough to give us any red flags. When they saw that you were talking to Max about this specific house, they had him move in. We were thinking that they were planning on ambushing you when you went to get drinks with him, so when you didn’t, they improvised.”
Because I said no.
But it wasn’t just about that, they had always planned on getting me. It had nothing to do with Wade. Nothing to do with him in the slightest. I almost felt bad for him but then again…
I didn’t.
Not in the slightest.
And I was glad he died a painful, excruciating death.
Evelyn was quiet for quite some time before she spoke again, her voice low, soft. “Why aren’t you talking, baby girl? We miss hearing that voice of yours.”
I kept staring at the passing city. How could I explain to her that I wanted to talk but that my mind wouldn’t let me? How I had so much to say and nothing at all at the same time? How could I tell her that there were seconds when I was screaming in my head for my body to let me go, but other times when I chose to hold my tongue because pieces of my mind have convinced me that it’s the only way to remain safe.
Silence was safe. It was power. Uttering a word meant death. I didn’t know why. Not anymore. I understood in the room why I had to hold my tongue, but here? They didn’t want information, they just wanted me.
How could I explain to her that that very fact terrified me more than anything else in the world?
I held Merlin a little closer, petting his little head. Merlin was safe. He was good. I knew that. I knew it for a fact. All he needed was food and a warm bed and some good pets. He didn’t need anything else, just the warmth of my body, that was all.
But everyone else? They all needed something. They all expected something. Something I didn’t think I would ever be able to give them, and I wasn’t sure if they would ever be okay with that.
When we drove up to my street, I didn’t feel a thing and I wondered if that was wrong. Should I hate it? Should I not want to be here? Should I have a reaction? Is that what they expected of me?
Evelyn pulled up in front of my house and I could see flowers on the porch, a few teddies, some dog toys.
“We told them you were in a car accident,” she explained,shutting off the car. “They’re all worried.”
I suppose that was the epitome of the suburbs when you moved to the right area. When the universe collided, as Emily would say, and brought together all the right people at all the right times just for this moment. This catalyst event.
I hoped I was still good enough to be a part of their little world.
Evelyn got out of the car, and I remained sitting there. Not because I wanted her to open my door, but because I wasn’t ready to get out.
But seconds later, she opened the door for me, and I climbed out anyway, taking in all of the stuff on that porch.
I made my way towards it slowly, Lucy lunging and barking, tearing at the seat until Evelyn pulled the seat forward enough for her to lunge for me, quickly joining my side.
I looked down at her, letting one hand fall to brush against her head as we continued slowly for the porch.
She sniffed everything, making sure she remained connected to my leg as she did. She didn’t pick up any of the toys, she only sniffed at them, not interested in playing with them at all.
We had both gone through a monumental shift these last few months. I wondered if she would ever want to play again.
I hoped so. I prayed that, one day, we could go back to the park and play fetch. That I could take her to Stella’s and she would be able to play with Baily without fear of me disappearing from her line of sight.
Evelyn appeared at my side and unlocked the door as Emily joined us. “You doing okay?” she asked as my eyes scanned the street.
