I searched his eyes, flexing my hands at the memory of the blood sliding through them. “How do I control it? The black fog that covers my eyes. How do I control it?”
He cocked his head to one side. “How does a lion control its thirst for blood? Hehunts.”
I sat forward. “But I blacked out, Azrael. I don’t remember doing any of that stuff. I slaughtered, and I came too, and I was holding—” I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head, trying to rid my mind of the images. “Tommy,” I finally said, finding his eyes again, my heart pounding, my breathing hitched from remembering those days. “I came back, and I was choking Everett.”
“Because you’re trying to suppress something that shouldn’t be suppressed,” he explained chillingly. “You’ve never suppressed a memory a moment in your life. Not one, it’s not in your nature. Your mind is at war with itself because of you, dear child. Only you can stop that.”
“How?” I stressed. “How do I stop it?”
“You must realize that the only real power you will ever have is the power over your precious Claim, and the power you wield when this world fears you. I’m sure he’s talked to you about that.”
He did.
Azrael nodded once. “You must accept that it’s okay to be hated, feared, loathed. You must accept the fact that you were raped and tortured and killed over and over again. You are all about stories and plots and character arc’s, so here is yours. Write out the next chapter of your life and title it ‘Redemption’. The first line should be you accepting the fact that you have a new taste for bloodshed, the next paragraph should be you learning how to fight, and the rest of the chapter?” Heshrugged. “It should be all about you giving this world the kind of justice you never got. We have so many Initiates being turned, wild rose, so many in need of correcting. Perhaps your bloodlust can be used for good.”
I watched him for a long time, searching his eyes. I had lost my chapters the day they found me, and I hadn’t been able to write since. Not physically or figuratively. So…maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to force myself to do what I was too scared of doing.
“Sometimes to regain control, you have to release it,” Azrael said as if seeing my thoughts drift through my eyes.
I straightened, an eerie sort of calm washing over me. “Why didn’t you tell them?”
His eyes shined. “Secrets.” He pulled out a silver pocket watch, clicking the top open to check the time before sliding it back into his pocket. “You must learn to control it, rose, because it is terrifying. It’s terrifying when it controls you, so you can’t allow that. I’m not one to give advice of coddling and leaning, but I suppose the dear little mouse, not to be mistaken with Merlin, has taught me something about words. Sometimes falling into the depths of it can prove to be as enlightening as climbing out. The only way to find your path in the woods is to seek out every trail, even the one that leads straight into the darkest depths of it.”
Was that the answer then? To allow it to swallow me whole and hope that letting go would lead me back to sanity? To balance.
The door opened again and this time, Lucy’s tail wagged twice, her ears perked.
A moment later, Everett walked in, his steps slowing when he found us.
Everett’s eyes darkened when they shifted from me back to Azrael. “What are you doing here?”
“Having a fun little conversation about death and destruction with your talkative rose.” His eyes found mine again. “Nobody will see it until you make them, so stop being so terrified of how they’ll take it, and just be. Your hands were made for red, wild rose, your nails made of razor thorns, don’t take that for granted. Become the serial killer you were born to be.”
Everett tracked him to the door, watching until it shut behind his brother before turning back to me. “What did you talk about?”
I worked my jaw, turning back to Merlin who was now sitting directly in front of where Azrael had just been. Become a serial killer? That was his advice?
I was him in the sense that we both had the same rage in our bones, but he had gotten committed! I didn’t want to be committed. I didn’t want to be labeled as that kind of crazy. Especially not at the cost of Everett.
But…he was right, wasn’t he? I could feel the truth in his words as they settled over my shoulders, and nothing else had worked. Nothing.
“Olivia,” he tried, walking around the table. “We’re still trying to find the man who was trying to take you. If he said anything about that, you need to tell me.”
He still had no idea that I even knew the name. That I had seen his face. Whatever power Azrael held in this world, it seemed unending, and if he wasn’t speaking to them about it, why should I? There had to be a reason. Azrael knew him. He had to know him.
“Olivia.”
I found his eyes, my heart thudding. Just talk to him. Why are you still so goddamn scared? Just talk to him.Talk to him!Tell him something, anything! Tell him that you hated the way he cooked dinner last night, that it had too many carrots in it.Tell him that you want him to hold you when you wake up in the middle of the night, terrified. Tell him that you look for him in every room, that you wait anxiously for his return. Tell him that the only way you feel safe is within that aura. Tell him that you were terrified he would hate you if he found out that you and his brother were the same. Tell himsomething.
Anything.
“Pup, please,” he tried.
I stood abruptly, my heart pounding, my skin feeling too tight around my bones, my muscles filled with too much energy. I had to get out of here. Maybe if I could just run it off, I’d be better equipped to handle a moment like this. I could talk once all the energy was out.
But I took one step towards the door, and he was there, blocking my way.
I stopped, staring at his hands as they flexed at his sides, my breathing labored.“Just let me go.”
