I had tried to start writing again too, but it seemed impossible. I was back in contact with Katie, and she was more than forgiving about my process, telling me to take a year off, if need be, that the deal would be put on hold until after I decided to pick it back up. Something she would never do for anyone else.
And I was just…justhere.
Just existing.
Frustrated at myself that I was stuck in this impossible box of being too scared to feel what was under my skin and irritated that I couldn’t force it out.
It was as if my mind was tired of dealing with it, but my heart was still worried I’d eventually regret letting go.
So, here I was, sitting in my own frustrations while the television played on near silent, Everett gone for the day.
He was allowed to be frustrated, I couldn’t blame him for it. He told me his patience had limits, and I was pushing those every single day, unable to tell him that I was trying.
But how could I learn to control something I didn’t understand? How could I learn to coexist with this new…newbloodlustraging in my system without blacking out? Without accidently killing the people I cared most about?
When did being human suddenly become so complicated? Was this a part of the PTSD? Was this because of the trauma I suffered, or was this just an obstacle my mind had created all by itself?
Was I pushing too hard?
Was I not pushing enough?
I sat at the table, my laptop open in front of me. Merlin was on the table too, sniffing around his new little bed, while Lucy watched me from where she lay in front of Everett’s door. She was getting better. She still wouldn’t allow me to go anywhere alone, but every day I saw her pushing to give me a little more freedom. A little space. I could see how hard it was for her, but she was trying, just like I was trying.
I would get better; I had to get better.
Maybe I would call Rae today, ask her if there was something she really struggled to get passed. If she had some advice on how to flip that switch in her head and make things okay again.
The door opened and my eyes locked onto Lucy, watching her reaction, watching any twitch of her ear.
She pushed herself up in a lazy kind of way, sniffing the air, and my racing heart stuttered. It wasn’t Everett or Evelyn, and those were the only two people I knew of who knew that this place even existed.
But she knew the person. She had to have or else she would have lunged already.
I glanced over and saw the last thing I expected to see.
A cane appeared in my line of sight, followed by the man carrying it.
Azrael was still wearing that mask. That sharp smile smaller today, but ever present.
Lucy walked over and sniffed him again and then turned to me, gauging my reaction.
“Hello, wild rose.”
I forced myself to relax back in my chair, tracking him as he headed for the chair across from mine.
I gave Lucy a soft nod and found his eyes. “Wild?”
“So it is true,” he purred. “She speaks, and here I thought I was hearing things.” He sank into the chair, watching me unflinchingly. “Wild with razor thorns and a fractured mind. A new species, remember?”
Right, he had said that in the clearing. I had forgotten.
I tilted the laptop screen down as Merlin inched closer to Azrael, sniffing the air. “I suppose I don’t see what you see,” I finally said, searching his eyes. Why was he here? From what I knew of him, he played his part and moved on. I had assumed that after I had returned back to my own house, I wouldn’t see him again. Not for a long time, at least. This was the last thing I expected.
“People rarely do,” he hummed. “Don’t be so distraught over it, it’s been a thorn in everyone’s side since I first walked into our very building.”
Their building. The building, I assumed, where Rae had trained. Had forgotten she had trained in until her memories slowly started coming back.
They had all trained there.
