“Youselfishlydestroyed myonlyconnection to you because you didn’t think I could handle listening to you die.”
I felt it then, that strange burning in my stomach, I felt it spark and flame, burning along my bones, my face twisting, tears filling my eyes as that fog started to work its way towards my eyes.
His eyes widened and then narrowed to slits. “Say it, Olivia.Sayit whatever it is that’s burning your tongue. Tell me.”
I watched him carefully, willing my lips to move. Willing myself to do something other than just sit here and take it.
I didn’t want to take it. I wanted him to feel the fear I felt. I needed him to feel it so he could understand how I felt right now.
I shook my head, working my jaw, the words pushing their way up, clawing at my throat. “Youfucking asshole,” I finally breathed out, the world blurring in front of me. “You think I destroyed it so you wouldn’t hear me pleading for mercy from a manyoudidn’t kill?” I asked, watching his eyes widen in pure rage. “You fucking idiot, I destroyed it because I couldn’t handle hearingyoushatter in my ear when I was doing my best to keep it together.That’swhy I destroyed it. I knew I was going to break, IknewI wasn’t going to last much longer, and yeah,while part of me didn’t want you to hear me die, another part of me, afucked uppart of me just didn’t want to hear you shatter completely when I did.
“You, Everett, you don’t fucking break. You have always,alwaysbeen the ocean that breaks against my cliffs, always. You don’t waver, you don’t…don’t—you don’t…blink, you don’t stumble. You just…you justare. You’re supposed to be a fucking monster. The guy who tortures the girlfriends of men stupid enough to take out a loan with you, but you—”
I shook my head, my hands shaking, my entire body shaking with that thing inside of me.
That’s what I wanted to say.
I wanted to yell at him. Scream those words at him.
I wanted to tell him how much I hated him for not coming like he promised. For not being there when he gave me his word. I wanted him to know that there was something inside of me now that I didn’t understand. As if they were living inside of me now, breathing, and screaming, and clawing, and I couldn’t control it unless I kept my mouth shut.
I needed him to know that it was just him. That it had always been just him. The person who made me feel safe enough tofeel, but now I didn’t feel safe. I didn’t feel safe anywhere except for with him, because I wouldn’t be feeling like this if I didn’t, that much I knew.
I couldn’t afford to feel safe around him.
Not yet.
So, all of those words I thought I said, the words I wanted to say, they remained right where they were, on the tip of my tongue, burning me, tasting of ash and ember.
And Everett remained silent, glaring at me, waiting for me to say something I just…I couldn’t. He would never understand why I couldn’t speak. He would never understand why there was this…thisrageinside of me turning my blood to crystal andmy bones to glass. He couldn’t possibly understand.
It would never make sense to him. I was sure of that. I was positive.
So, I just stared at him, wondering if my face actually held the anger I wanted it to or if I was imagining that too.
And eventually, he gave me a single nod, smoothed out his face, and leaned back in his seat. “I have more patience than you realize, Olivia, and I will give you your time to heal but trust me when I say that it does have bounds. Eventually, you will find those bounds, and I can’t promise what will happen once you cross them.” With that, he got out of the car.
I swallowed, my heart picking up, my stomach warming at his threat. I was trying. I was. Even if it didn’t look like it, I was doing my very best, but I was so,sotired. I was just…justtired.
He was allowed to feel that anger. I didn’t blame him. I wouldn’t blame him if he hated me for the rest of his life, but hating me because I destroyed that earpiece? That was rational, that made sense.
He was trying too, I could see that, and I was grateful for the patience he was giving me. I only hoped it was enough to get me through fixing whatever it was that was wrong with me.
He opened the door, allowing me to climb out, and I stepped onto the sidewalk, watching him let Lucy out.
I missed him though. I missed him so much, it physically ached.
He shut the car door and turned towards the building, but my body slid into his path before he could take another step.
I almost forgot how much taller he was than me. A whole head, it seemed.
My eyes locked onto his neck as his throat bobbed, his lips a foot from mine.
I felt the tears burn my eyes as Lucy’s fur brushed against my hand. I stared at his lips, watched them part, felt mine part. Iopened my mouth, pleading for the words to fall.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, please help me. Tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this, please.”
But nothing came. I so desperately needed to talk, and I couldn’t. I thought I was healing. I thought the shower was me healing. I thought that agreeing to come out here was me healing. I thought that feeling something other than nothing was healing, but I still couldn’t force myself to talk.
