“Your life is going to be filled with such laughter and such light, and you’ll have so many good memories, you won’t even know how to handle it. You’ll run out of space on the walls to put all the memories.”
Tears spilled down her cheeks and I immediately reached out my hand, taking hers in both of mine. “The future is bright for you, Stella Voss. You are going to cook pancakes on Sunday mornings and dance in the kitchen late at night and play music way too loud. The walls will be covered in crayons and your house won’t be clean for the next 15 years, but you know what else it will be? It will be filled with laughter and shouting and such unending love. Every ounce of love you have will pour into that girl and she’ll grow up to be the light of the world, all because of you. Don’t ever apologize for the darkness in this world, we can’t stop it. All we can do is fan the flames of the fireflies,” I went on, glancing over to Baily as she laughed so loud, the squirrels stopped to stare, “and hope they will shine bright enough to keep the worst of it away.”
She was beautiful.
Why couldn’t mom love me like Stella loved her?
Why couldn’t there be crayons on my walls and pictures on my fridge and laughter in my halls?
Why couldn’t I burn too?
“Wow,” Stella breathed out, pulling my attention back. “You sound just like my mama.”
I gave her a warm smile and took my hands back, sliding them under the table. “I’m a writer. Words are kind of my thing.” Why couldn’t I have had a mom like Stella? I wouldn’t have cared if we were living in a simple house with simple clothes. All I wanted was to be loved. I just wanted to be noticed and loved. A hug, a kiss, Jesus, even some advice. I wanted that. Why couldn’t I have had a present mom like Baily?
I was sohappythat Baily had what I never got. Happy andrelieved. She deserved that. She deserved to be happy.
Her eyes lit up. “You write? I love to read, what kind of books do you write?”
I searched her eyes, not wanting to tell her the truth. To tell her what happened to Steven. To tell her anything terrible. She had lived through so much, far more than me. Far worse. I wanted to protect her from it all. I needed to protect her from it all. Whatever that meant for me, I needed Stella and Baily to live a good, joy-filled life. “Psychological thrillers,” I told her. “Under the name Abigail Ross,” I confessed quietly.
She gasped, sitting straight up. “No way,” she laughed. “I own all of those books.All of them. Would you mind…could you sign them for me? I would be so honored. Please?”
I nodded without hesitation. “Of course. Absolutely, I will.”
She clapped once and stood. “I’ll be right back.” She headed for her house. “I’ll be out in a second, Baily!”
Baily barely paid her any mind, too engrossed with playing with Evelyn to even bother hearing her mom.
My false smile fell as soon as she disappeared.
I fell back into my chair and closed my eyes. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think about anything but the warm breeze and the laughter of the child. Don’t think about how many times he touched you. How many times he beat you. How many times he stuck his cock in—
I gasped and stood, my chair clattering backwards. My heart was thudding against my ribs, and I couldn’t breathe. The air had disappeared. It was gone. I was outside and there was no air. The world suddenly seemed far too small, and I was far too big, and I couldn’tbreathe.
Everett appeared in front of me, grabbing my jaw, forcing my eyes to meet his. “Focus.”
“He f-fucked me,” I panted, pulling at my shirt. “He w-w-was inside of m-me. I can’t…I can’t—”
He grabbed my wrist and slammed his other hand over my mouth. “Shut up,” he ordered, his eyes flicking behind me.
He searched my eyes, his own anger growing, his grip tightening. He bared his teeth. “Fuck,” he snarled under his breath. He suddenly released my mouth and pulled me away. “We’re going, tell Stella something,” he told Evelyn, dragging me down the stairs.
“Olivia!” Baily called.
But the roaring was growing, the panic causing my head to spin, the world to shake.
He kept pulling me away. Pulling me across the grass, across the street, down the block.
I saw cars parked, cars driving by, cabs we were missing. I needed to breathe. Why couldn’t I breathe?
He fucked me.
Hefuckedme.
He fucked so many other people too. He had afamily. How many times had he given it to her, to others, before coming back to me?
I suddenly felt so damn dirty. The feeling was overwhelming. I had to get my skin off. I needed to get my skin off.
