Because that had been life-altering—mind-altering fucking. What just happened became a part of a person’s genetic makeup, and Ihated it. I hated it because he just proved, once again, that it was nothing.
Nothing but a debt owed.
A means to an end.
And I had fallen for itagain. But this time, I thought he had to. A stupid, idiotic, pathetic part of me thought I had seen something that clearly wasn’t there and never would be. Why would it? I was not that idiotic girl who thought she could change the heart of the mafia prince, but what the Hell?
Comeon.
That had to have meant something to him, right?
That couldn’t have just been a debt owed, that had to have held more.
Unless he was just that cold-hearted, which I knew he was. Rationally, I knew that.
Irrationally?
Irrationally, I was the idiot girl who was letting herself fall for the serial killer.
Goddammit!
I wasn’t stupid. I knew he knew I would ‘follow direction’s’ and leave, but I certainly couldn’t stay.
So, I slipped on the first things I found, a sweater resting over a chair, and a pair of sweats and socks left on the back of the couch. I took the cash I found on the table, before finally leaving the apartment.
I hailed a cab, gave him the cash, and went back to my place, ignoring the driver’s judgmental looks the entire way.
Yeah, I couldn’t imagine how I looked either. A monstrosity, probably.
He had sliced through my thighs and my wrists. I hadn’t really felt it because of the drugs. But by the time I got home, the sweater and sweats had blood stains on them. I wasn’t sure if they’d come out, and I didn’t care.
I took a long shower, dressed all of my wounds, and Lucy and I crawled into bed without making a single sound.
Payment. That’s what this was. And I would have remembered that had he not given me some creepy asstorturedevice his creepy ass brother made specifically for torture.
God, how could I have been so stupid?
Whatever. He could have his sex. I could have my orgasm, deal with my shame, and then, once it was paid off, I would never have to see him again. That’s how it had to be, no matter what I really wanted.
23
Everett
June 5th, 2022
Itdidn’t help my situation, but I blamed it all on those drugs. I had to take it, the P.I.P, just in case she started to panic, so I knew what she was feeling so it was easier to talk her through it.
But now?
Now that seemed like a load of horseshit. I had lost control. My cock had led me straight to her pussy without remorse. I hadn’t been in control of my body, my thoughts, anything. All I wanted was to feel my cock empty inside of her.
Deep inside of her.
So deep, not a drop of my cum would ever escape her. Fuck, I wanted it so deep, she would swell with my fucking child, and that wasn’t rational. None of that was fucking rational.
It was that damn drug’s fault.
However, since finding out about those books of hers, I hadn’t stopped thinking about them. I went back to her house the night after I tied her to my wall and searched.
