“It’s good.” I jolt when she places two jelly covered fingers into my vagina.
“Sorry, cold and some pressure.” She manipulates her fingers around my cervix and places her other hand on top to feel around.
“The team is doing really well this season, so we’re looking for a deep playoff run. Fingers crossed,” I say, trying to distract myself from what she’s doing.
“That’s great. We haven’t been to many games this year, but I should get the family out there.”
“You should.” I sigh when she removes her fingers.
“Everything feels great. Let’s just get the pap smear done.” She places the speculum at my entrance. “Slight pinch, I’m sorry.” I tense up. “Relax,” she says like that helps. I feel the swab as she collects a sample. It’s over quickly, but no more enjoyable. She rolls back on her stool and puts down the objects by the sink, taking her gloves off and beginning to wash her hands. “You can take your feet down and sit back now. It all looks good.”
“Good.” I begin untying the gown knowing the breast exam is next. My heart starts racing in anticipation.
Everything’s fine.
It’s fine.
“Have you noticed any changes in your breasts since the last time?” She comes to my left side and warms her hands together before touching me.
“I don’t think so, but I don’t really trust myself,” I admit. Chase has been playing with my breasts for a while and hasn’t said anything, so I’m taking that as good enough.
She palpates my left breast until she’s satisfied that she’s inspected the entire thing. I’m relieved she doesn’t find anything since it was the one I found a lump in before. One down. One to go.
When she begins inspecting my right breast, it’s tender and I feel slight pain as she passes over the top. Her eyebrows furrow and my heart stops.
No.
“You haven’t noticed anything on this side?” It’s not accusing, more curious, but it sets me on edge. I choke on my saliva as I try to swallow and respond at the same time.
“No,” my voice trembles. She hums but doesn’t say anything else as she continues to conduct the breast exam. The underside doesn’t seem to give her any pause, but she keeps coming back to the side of my breast and along the top.
“It feels like there may be something there, so I want to getyou in for a mammogram just to be sure.” She removes her hands and covers my breast with the gown. I immediately pull it tight and close my eyes. “I’m not saying it’s anything. It could just be dense breast tissue, but we want to be sure.”
She pats my leg in reassurance.
Tears leak out from behind my closed eyelids.
My heart stutters.
My breathing slows.
This can’t be happening.
I’m having an out of body experience.
She gives me a minute before she keeps talking. Explaining that they will schedule it on my way out. All the things I’ve been through before.
What is this nightmare?
“Gabby, it will be okay. We are just doing this as a precaution.” She squeezes my shoulder when I sit up. I open my eyes and meet the compassion in hers. I appreciate what she’s trying to do, but it doesn’t help. I’ve already gone to that dark place again.
Numbness is my friend right now.
I need to get out of this office.
I need to do it quickly, quietly, and without breaking down.
I can break down when I get to my car.
