“How are you feeling with your appointment coming up?” Where did that come from?
“How did you know?”
“G, it’s been almost a year since I walked in and found you in a ball on your bed. Not something I’m going to forget easily.” His solemness hurts my heart. I love that he was here when I needed him, but I hate the feelings it brought up for him.
“But how did you know about my appointment? We haven’t talked about my scare in a while.”
“Just because we don’t talk about it doesn’t mean I don’t think about it.” I know the feeling. I think about it more than I’d like. I’d prefer to forget it ever happened. I don’t want it ruining all the good in my life right now.
“My appointment is the week of Labor Day.”
“Have you felt anything?” he asks, making sure I’ve done my self-exams occasionally so another lump doesn’t go unnoticed.
“No? I don’t know. I don’t trust my own brain when I check, if that makes sense.”
“Like you may feel something that isn’t there because your brain is telling you to be scared?”
“Yeah, exactly that. Like I’ll feel fine and then feel discomfort in my breast and wonder what it was, and when I try to do the palpations, or whatever they’re called, I can never tell if what I feel is a lump or just my breast tissue.” It’s the worst feeling to not trust your own brain. I hate it. I hate it so much.
“That has to be hard. I’m sorry. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Sometimes it’s easier to pretend it’s not happening. You have enough history with breast cancer. I don’t want to add to your trauma,” I confess, twisting the blanket in my hand.
“Fuck that. I want to know. Ineedto know.” He takes a breath to calm down. I can’t imagine how it feels for him. Softly, he adds, “Please don’t keep it from me. It makes it worse”
“Okay, I didn’t mean to keep it from you.”
“Other than that, are you doing okay?”
“Nervous to get it over with so I don’t have it hanging over my head. Tired of thinking about it for now. It’s weird. It’s like this thing I think about all the time and never at the same time. I do better when I try not to think about it.”
He tugs my hand free of the blanket and holds it tightly. “Trust me, I get that. But I’m here for you, and since I’m the only one who knows, if you don’t tell me, then you’re in it alone and that’s not how we do things.”
“You’re right.”
“I know. Now, enough of the mushy stuff. What are we watching tonight and where are the snacks?”
As we settle in for a movie, I can’t help but think about what he said. As someone who wasn’t close with her family and has been no contact for years, it’s still hard to shake the habit of shutting down and dealing with my problems by myself. Even though Ivory and Taylor have been in my life since college, a lot of our friendship has been long distance, so there was no one here to tell me I wasn’t alone. Both Chase and Miller have called me out for keeping things from them. It’s time I start listening to the people around me. It’s time I figure out how to let them in. The best I can do is try and hope they don’t give up on me if it takes longer than they’d like.
True to his word, Chase comes over first thing Wednesday morning and gives me a good morning, then he comes back over after the game and spends the night. A text pings on my phone on the nightstand, interrupting our morning coffee in bed.
IVORY
Don’t forget, lunch at our house today!
Shit, I lost track of the days. When Ivory mentioned hosting a lunch this Thursday, it sounded like a great idea. That was before Chase slept over last night and we made plans to spendthe day together, except for the photoshoot later this afternoon for Bark in the Park promo. Other than Labor Day when Bark at the Park is scheduled, Chase doesn’t have another day off for three weeks and a lot of the games are on the road, which means today is the last day I have to spend with only the two of us for a while.
When Miller responds in the group chat, I feel bad for even debating blowing off my friends. They’ve all been busy too, and we haven’t had a proper cookout since the beginning of last month.
MILLER
Say less, Ivey.
Can your husband come play outside for a while?
IVORY
You’re literally in my kitchen right now drinking coffee with him.
