“How so?” Ivory asks from beside the stove where she’s preparing dinner.
“Like I don’t want to have cancer, but also I already feel really dumb about this whole thing if it’s benign.” I lift a hand when she opens her mouth to respond. “I know that makes no sense but that’s kinda where I am, and my mind just keeps goingback to finding out it’s malignant and what my response will be.”
“So basically expecting the worst but hoping for the best?” Taylor asks, sitting down beside me at the island.
“Yeah, just in my head. Then I’m mad at myself, like ‘am I hoping I have cancer?!?! What the fuck.’”
“I get it. Obviously not what you’re going through, but the thought process of preparing for bad news so you’re not surprised if it is.” Ivory offers a sad smile.
“When will they contact you?” Taylor asks.
“They had to send it to pathology and said that takes three to five business days.”
“It’s only been two so there’s still time to wrap your head around it.” I nod at Taylor’s attempt to comfort me.
“Did they say how they’d let you know?”
Responding to Ivory, I shake my head. “I’ve been playing that convo in my head too. Like do they just tell you the bad news over the phone? Or do they tell you to come in and that’s how you know it’s probably bad?” It feels like I’ve replayed every conversation I’ve had about this the past few days, yet at the same time it feels like I’m not remembering anything accurately. Is that common?
Ivory brings plates down from the cabinet and sets them in front of us. “Don’t jump to conclusions. They may just want you to come in so they can explain it all. You know medical terminology can be confusing.”
“Yeah, I don’t know. I just keep wondering if I’m just mentally preparing myself and reaction or if I’m manifesting bad news. Almost like that’s what I’m hoping for?”
Taylor wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me close. “I wouldn’t say that. I’d just say that your brain is trying to plan out every possible scenario. That’s what you do, Gabby. You overthink literally everything. We just need to quiet the intrusive thoughts.”
“Any idea on how to do that?” My face is smushed againsthers, so my words come out jumbled but they understand them perfectly.
“We have dinner and watch our favorite guys on TV.” Ivory finishes plating our food.
Taylor adds, “Then wait for Miller to text you and ask if you saw something that probably didn’t even happen.”
We all laugh as we dig into our dinner as the opening ceremonies start for the game. Our boys all play phenomenally and we cheer from the comfort of my couch all the way through. It's official: The Troubadours are headed to the postseason.
I woke up earlier than normal today after taking a sleeping pill and going to bed early last night. The closer we get to finding out the results, the more anxious I am. I just want this whole thing to be over, or at least know what to expect. The not knowing is killing me.
MILLER
How’s it going this morning?
ME
I just can’t help thinking it’s bad news.
MILLER
Gabbyyyyyy. Good news! Good news!
ME
I knowwwwww. I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
MILLER
Don’t put the bad vibes into the universe.
ME
Who wants cancer? Wtf.
