“The ‘oh, you sweet precious naive girl’ look. It’s all but a pat on the head telling me to go sit in the corner or go back to what I’m good at.”
“Ah, that look. Not to say they are right but to play devil’s advocate for a minute…” Gabby pauses, waiting for my protest. I stay quiet so she continues. “Have you thought about another acting gig?”
I don’t like it, but it’s a valid question. I have been acting for half my life. It’s been my entire adult life. Taylor has been fielding scripts and requests for me to audition. Just because the production piece of the industry paused, doesn’t mean the creative process sleeps. Hollywood quickly caught on that streaming platforms were taking off and pivoted from movies to series that could be consumed at home.
“There is no lack of opportunity if I did want to. I’m sure Taylor has plenty of scripts for me to review.”
“But?”
“Honestly…” I take a deep breath before admitting to my best friend something I have barely admitted to myself. “It’s not what I want anymore. At some point along the way, it stopped being fun. The attention from the media and the public was overwhelming. Instead of pushing back, I let it control me. I hid away and became the version of Ivory Crenshaw they wanted to see. Every day I was playing a part. It wasn’t until Belize that I realized the biggest part I was playing was the public persona of my name. I may have gained fame, but I lost myself along the way.”
“Aw, Ives. I’m sorry you felt that way. Why didn’t you say anything?”
“Because I never slowed down enough to realize it. I got caught up in the race. Film a movie, read a series script, attend an award show, fly to a press tour, attend an opening. Rinse and repeat. Over and over again for years.”
“I know that’s exhausting, but are you sure that means you’re done with acting? I’m not trying to dissuade you if this is really what you want, but you’re talented. Some part of you still has to love it.”
“I do love it. I love the craft. I love storytelling. I love the impact. Right now, I feel that my true calling is behind the camera. I want to make something that is important. I want to affect change in the industry. We need more women writers, producers, filmmakers, directors, crew. I can’t do that while acting. Someone else will always be in control.”
“To be fair, the studio or network will always be in control.”
“Yes, but I would have a fighting chance at having my voice heard if I wasn’t just the woman on camera. I need to be behind it!”
“You don’t have to convince me. I’m a woman in a highly male dominated field and sport.” The legal field in general typically has a higher percentage of men than women. The percentage of women in sports and particularly sports law is drastically lower than that of men. Gabby fought tooth and nail to get her foot in the door and get on staff with the Nashville baseball team.
“Sorry, I’m just…” Pausing, I take a deep breath.
“You’re passionate. It’s a good thing. You’ll need that. So what’s next?”
“I wish I knew. I’ve been trying to figure that out. Today was my last meeting and I am nowhere closer to getting this project picked up. At this point I don’t even know why I am in L.A.”
“What do you mean?”
“I have literally nothing going on. I sit in my condo all day bymyself. Even if there weren’t restrictions on going out in public, I can’t because the paps are everywhere. Nothing is on the schedule.” A laugh bubbles out of me. “Oh my god, I’m officially unemployed.” Laughter overtakes me. I’m clutching my stomach as tears run down my face and I gasp for air. Quickly those tears turn to actual tears and panic as realization hits me. “OH MY GOD, I AM UNEMPLOYED.”
“Ives? Ives, are you okay?” I can hear Gabby calling through the phone but my head is in a fog. All these thoughts flow through my mind tearing me apart.
“What have I done?”
“Ives, calm down. It’s okay. You’re having a little spiral. That’s natural after such a big change.”
“WhyamI in L.A.? There’s no reason for me to even be here. I’m torturing myself by being here when I don’t even have to be.” I’m calculating what I would need to do to get to Tampa and see Preston when Gabby interrupts my thoughts.
“Why don’t you come here?”
“Nashville?”
“Yes, you promised me a visit when you got back. Since you have nothing to do in L.A., why don’t you come here? The Tennessee air and scenery will be good for you.”
“But you actually have stuff to do. You have a job.”Unlike me.
“I do, but that doesn’t mean you can’t come stay for a while. It’s not like I’m going to be traveling with the team. I’ll work my day job and then we can hang at night and on the weekends. It will be fun.”
Nashville would be a nice change from L.A. And I do miss Gabby. Maybe some time away will be good.Yeah, because three months away wasn’t long enough.I can also use the time she is working to plan out my next move. Plan A didn’t work. Is the universe telling me Plan B is the way to go?
“See you soon, bestie.”
August 2
