“Jesus Gen—how many pairs have you gone through this week?” Jean’s voice cuts through my focus and I see him alongside Sloane, carrying in plastic salad containers, causing my subconscious sigh of relief. After the past 6 hours of nonstop dancing, I’m starving.
“Three.” My voice comes out gravely from hours of silence. He hands me the container and Sloane eyes me,concern flashing across her features. Jean clocks it immediately.
“Don’t worry, this is classic Genevieve Dupont. Crunch time for her consists of eight hour days and dozens of pointe shoes.” I focus on my salad, not acknowledging the worry still visible on Sloane’s face. “Shit,” Jean says with a mouthful of lettuce and begins to stand. “I left our Diet Cokes in the car—be right back.” He walks briskly through the double doors, leaving Sloane eyeing me, the silence in the space thick and awkward. I can tell she wants me to talk. She’s tip toed around it and while I’ve given her most of the details of our fight I’ve redacted all mention of my feelings.
She hasn’t really left my side since I saw Grant on the basketball court. From my understanding they had an argument of their own which hasn’t really been resolved, but in an effort to not think about Grant, I haven’t pressed the subject.
“You don’t have to hide that you're sad from us, you know.” She puts her salad container down and rests her elbows on her knees, using her fists to prop up her head. I sigh into my salad, realizing the talk about the fight, about him, is imminent. “Spill girl. Friendship was put on God's green earth to lower our therapy bill, besides—I live for other people’s trauma. Helps me avoid my own.” She wiggles her eyebrows and for the first time in days I feel a laugh form in the middle of my chest. I shake my head.
“Am I that transparent?” I put the salad container beside me, folding my own arms across my chest.
“Gen, everyone’s transparent when the people around them are botherin’ to look.” She squeezes my hand and a lump forms in my throat because if anyone made me feel seen, it was Grant.
“I miss him.” It comes out quietly, my jaw clenching like if I grind my teeth hard enough the feelings will crumble under them.
Sloane lays her head on my shoulder lacing her fingers in mine and I let my head fall against hers, we sit in silence for a second, the classical music in the practice room a steady hum.
“It’s probably better this way.” I push the strands of hair collecting at the side of my face behind my ear, trying to smooth them back into my bun. She gives me a confused look and sits up straight, arranging her salad container to take a bite.
“I just…I would’ve fucked it up…eventually. I always do.” I sigh, picking at my own plate, my appetite having evaporated the moment my mind went to him. “I never deserved him.” I say it to myself, carelessly letting the omission that I’ve wanted so badly to not be true the past few months materialize in front of us.
“Never deservedhim?” she asks incredulously, her fork frozen in midair, making her look almost comical. I sigh, shifting in my spot on the floor.
“I know this may come as a surprise to you but historically, I haven’t been seen as the mostlikableperson,” I wince, the memory of every person who has told me as much swirling in my brain, “and as much as it probably will pain you to hear this, your brother is theepitomeof likable. He’s good Sloane, like an actual good person, not someone who just pretends to be. Whatever was going on with us was always destined to fail….” I look down into my salad container, hopelessness sweeping through me at the realization that I will never be good enough for Grant Fielder. “I was always going to let him down.”
Sloane’s eyes widen, shock and then frustration sweepher features. She sets her salad container down and quickly gets to her feet holding her arm out to me.
“Come on, let’s go.” She raises one eyebrow expectantly.
“Where are we going?” I squint at her confused.
“We are goin’ outside because you clearly need to touch some grass.” I roll my eyes and she grins, plopping back down beside me. “I’m serious. You make yourself out to be this total monster, but I’ve been here for months and I literally haven’t heard a single person say one bad thing about you. Except for maybe Olivia, but cut the girl some slack—her boyfriend is obsessed with you. You’re a good person, Gen. Bad people don’t sit around ponderin’ their morality, I promise you that. ”
“Your brother doesn’t seem to think so.”
“My brother’s a dick.”
“Sloane!” I snort, and we both burst out laughing, Sloane’s warm throaty laugh melting into my own and a small part of me feels a little bit better just knowing I’m not completely alone.
“What did I miss?” Jean slides in, eyes wide as if we both have gone completely insane.
“We are tryin’ to figure out ways Gen can win back my no good, dirty, rotten, brother—who might I add really doesn’t deserveher.” Sloane pops a crouton in her mouth and for a second I wonder what actually happened between them. I’m happy to have Sloane in my corner, but I’m sure Grant is missing her being in his.
“Well, what were you guys fighting about before…you know.” Jean’s trying to be kind by not mentioning the real issue—that I left Grant to go see Will. That our little fight may have been the dynamite, but I lit the match by leaving him at that party.
“The secret…” Sloane does this wavy motion with her hands making her voice sound deep and ghoulish.
“It’s giving tour guide at a haunted house.”
“I was going for more Casper the friendly ghost,” she says to him with a wink.
“Can you guys be serious for five minutes?” I whine.
Jean snickers and Sloane gives me the most pitiful look in human history. “Honey…we all know what you have to do to feel like a ‘good person’.” She uses air quotes on the last words, then pats my hand as I stare back at her, puzzled.
“You can’t seriously not know what she’s referring to?” Jean asks incredulously and I feel blood rush to my cheeks as I give Sloane my best‘You told him?’face. “C’mon Gen…it’s obvious…the secret…?”
“You have to tell Olivia,” Sloane says simply, as if she’s not suggesting I tell my mortal enemy of the past three years the most earth shattering news.
