“What is there to talk about, Gen?” I keep my tone even-keeled, try my hardest to hold her gaze without revealing just how painful this is, but my head shakes without my permission and I have to look away. There is so much to say, but hearing it will make things worse, somehow. Knowing, in no uncertain terms, that she chose him over me, feels far more horrible than just assuming it with no confirmation.
She looses a breath before coming to sit by me, wrapping her arms around herself like her sweatshirt isn’t enough in the cold. Her hair is up in a messy bun, the free strands of those curls I love framing the perfect contours of her face.
She sits close enough that the heat of her thigh seeps into mine, and it’s a small respite against the chill. When I exhale, I shudder and clamp my jaw like it’ll hold me together, my vision trained on some invisible dot in the ether. I tell myself it’s the cold.
“Grant, please look at me.”
Her breath is shaky on the intake, her anger giving way to a nervous angst painted on her face, and I brace myself for the worst, not even knowing what that is. My gut roils with this infinite sense of dread.
Her lips press together and she looks up as if to catch tears threatening to fall. “I know that I hurt you. I know that I left and that it’s maybe the worst thing I could’ve done. I’m sorry for all of it, but I—” I hear her take a breath “—I needed to go, for me.”
My eyes are shut, like it’ll shield me from the weight of her words. Despite the apology, they’re a physical blow, right to the center of my chest.
“Please say something,” she says, her voice quiet.
When I hold her gaze, I see that brokenness in me mirrored in her, like she felt the fracture the moment I did.
“You knew,” I start, pausing to take a breath, “and left anyway. Went tohim, anyway.”
“I went to him because he was a mess. It was worse than before the gala. He was like, tortured, and he said he saw us and?—”
“Mission accomplished, right?” Bitterness coats my voice, hard as I try to sound okay.
Her molars grind against each other, tears pricking at her eyes. “No. Not mission accomplished. What the fuck, Grant?”
“That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it? To make him jealous, to get him tofinallysee you?”
Her breathing is harsh as she slides away from me. “That was never what I wanted and you know it. Why is it so hard for you to believe that everything I’ve done was forme?I went there to be there for him, because he was my best friend, Grant. For half of my life, he was the only person I had. I went there because my soul couldn’t fucking rest knowing I was leaving him out to dry, letting him drown without trying, one last time, to throw him a life raft. And I would do it again.”
“Is that all that happened? You,” I pause, rolling my lips together as I glance away, “‘threw him a life raft’?”
She hesitates, opening her mouth before shutting it, her breaths steady as she figures out how to tell me the truth. Uneasiness rolls over me, the thought of him anywhere near her sending me spiraling.
“That’s what I thought.” I push up from the table, heading towards the lake, just needing a minute.
“Hekissedme.” I hear her behind me, clarifying like that makes a difference. Like that wasn’t what she’s always wanted. “He kissed me and I hated it. It was all wrong and I left. I went to your place but you weren’t there. And thenyouwouldn’t pick up the phone.” She sounds pissed, like this is all my fault.
“So you finally saw what I’ve known for months—years. Good for you, Gen. I’m happy you can finally move on.” I keep tracking toward the shore, but she’s right behind me, the delicate grip of her hand on my arm sending a familiar shiver through me.
“Please stop. Grant.”
“Hefucking kissed you,” I erupt. “That’s what it took. You didn’t already know?” I watch her gaze, wait for her to tell me I’m wrong, because I love her. Love her so much that this feels like ten knives to my gut, feels like someone is flaying me for sport.
“Of course, I knew,” she almost shouts, like she’s offended. “But I can’t just shut it off. I can’t just stop caring.”
“I never asked you not to care, Gen! I just…” I’m shaking my head, shoving my hands into my pockets, “want you to stop sacrificing yourself at his fucking altar.”
Her jaw sets, any of the apology in her eyes leaving her. “You have always known it’s been complicated for me. You don’t get to look down at me from your high horse for caring about him.” Her tears start to fall, cascading down the smoothness of her face. “But you know how I feel about you. Youknow.”
“You walked away from me to go be with the guy you’ve been in love with for ten years. Do you hear how fucked that is?”
“And now I am here. Should I have left him to spiral alone just so I wouldn’t bruise your ego?” She’s incensed as the tears run, her breath ragged as she tries to find something in my gaze. “I was always coming back to you.I came back.”
“It’s that you went in the first place,” I tell her, my pain unbridled and untethered. “It’s that you’re always going to protect him; you’re always going to keep his secrets; and I’m never going to know if it’s really me.”
Her eyes soften and they’re a well of understanding I can’t stand to see. It feels too late.
I needed that last night. I don’t want it now.
