“Would you always know if you had sex with a virgin?” Andy shakes his head, contemplating. “I mean, maybe. But also maybe not. It doesn’t really come up.” He shrugs, still thinking.
“Oh, I definitely think—” Will starts, but I can’t help but cut him off.
I tense, feeling my heartbeat in my chest. This conversation is unnecessary.
“Are virgins like an alien species or something?” I ask, trying to appear lighthearted, but still critical. Andy’s hands go up once again.
“Woah, sorry, Gen. Didn’t know you have a soft spot for virgins,” he says so sincerely, I almost regret snapping at him. Before I can reply, Will cuts in.
“Jesus, can you chill Gen?” His eyes flicker with annoyance, and I know he’s thinking I’ve been a downer all night, that I should just have a good time and go withhisflow.
My throat bobs and my cheeks flush as I try to brush it off. I shift my gaze, not wanting Will to see how calling me out in front of everyone hurt me, and it lands on Grant’s clenched fists. I force myself to look up, meeting the anger lapping behind his gaze.
Then, as if I recreated my own personal nightmare, I feel more than hear Scott’s slow gasp.
“Oh… Gen… you’re not…?” He doesn’t even finish that statement, but I know what he’s asking.
Gen, you can’t possibly be a virgin, right?
Except that I am.
I could lie to myself and say I’m still a virgin because I take my virginity seriously, or because I’ve never found anyone that made me want to do it, but those would both be lies. I’ve had enough heated, if not drunken, kisses since we got to Astor Hill College. It’s not for lack of trying. It’s that I’ve had this unspoken ideal in my mind for when it does finally happen. I just thought it would’ve happened by now.
I tell myself Will doesn’t know I’ve been holding out hope my first and only will be him, but that feels like a lie.
“Not that it’s your business,” I say, leveling an irritated glare at Scott, “but no. Of course I’m not.” My face scrunches, like the question is ridiculous.
Will’s smirk is unserious as he assesses me, raising an eyebrow in clear disbelief, and I’m afraid no amount of darkness could hide the blush that creeps up my neck as I feel the eyes around us bounce back and forth between Will and I. I know I have to say something, though, so I quickly regroup, slipping on my favorite emotional mask: unbothered.
“But since I’m not a complete whore like some of you,”I add, glancing around with a carefully crafted smirk, “I might as well be. I’m not out here treating it like a sport.”
“Okay, I resent being labeled awhore,” Andy gasps in fake offense but laughing nevertheless.
“Think she’s just callin’ it like she sees it.” Grant’s voice just slightly dips into that southern drawl of his as he teases his teammate, and my eyes can’t help but snap to his when I hear it. He’s wearing a tight smirk that tells me he sees right through me and my throat feels thick at the thought that I clearly didn’t fool everyone.
“I have to agree with her,” Olivia begrudgingly admits, clinging onto Will’s arm just a little tighter than before and for once I’m happy that she’s here.
Will stares at me intently, and I feel like I’m going to combust. For maybe the first time, it’s not from infatuation—it’s from irritation. I witness his eyes shift and I know he’s doubting the lie. That it’s bothering him. He knows it isn’t true; or he thinks he knows.
I hold his gaze, waiting for him to disprove me. To embarrass me in front of all of our peers. He holds mine for longer than I expect, those mossy green eyes boring into me with startling intimacy. It isn’t like me to keep things from him—it isn’t like us to have secrets from each other. We’ve always had secrets together.
He drops the eye contact first, rolling his shoulders back and pulling Olivia closer into his side before turning toward one of the hockey guys to ask him something about their use of the gym next week. Their proximity is nothing new, but right now it feels like a dig at me.
“Okay well, pick a new question. We can’t really answer that,” Andy says, pulling me out this silently heated moment with Will.
“Fine,” Scott starts. “Never have I ever… played strip poker. Wait—we shouldplaystrip poker.”
Will’s fresh laughter, suddenly unbothered, feels like a thread being snipped, and I’m grateful for an excuse to walk away as hot embarrassment throbs at the back of my neck, the feeling foreign. I’m not usually this affected; the thick skin I’ve developed has gotten good use over the years. Between the whispers and rumors in high school, the ones that had everyone believing I was just as promiscuous as my “husband-stealing” mother, and the dislike people landed on the second Olivia proclaimed it so, I’ve had to become unfazed. And I actually am, for the most part, but it isn’t usually Will participating. Will’s always my shield. Always.
I casually get up from my seat, pretending like I’m getting a refill, when I spot Jean. My shoulders relax, until I see his eyes widen with something like shocked amusement.
“Did you just tell that whole group of people that you are in factnota virgin?” Jean's jovial tone does not match the embarrassment now seeping through my every pore, knowing he, and likely others, saw what happened.
“Why are you always so late?” I whine, leaning back against the tree where he does the same. “This wouldn’t have happened if you were here.”
“Being this pretty takes time,” he quips. “Maybe now you can actually get laid. I mean Will’s gorgeous so I get the whole unrequited love situation toan extent. But no one isthathot.”
When I confided in Jean about my virginal status during a late rehearsal, his jaw dropped. He was shocked—mortified. He couldn’t believe I’d been wasting my youth chasing after a boy, or as he put it “not sowing your hot ass wild oats.”
