“Will,” I warn.
“Ben,” he responds, widening his eyes as if to ask what I’m going to do. I let it go like I always do with him.
“Look I just came in here to tell you that I have your back, and there’s lots of beautiful girls out there. Lily is just one of them.” I do my best to sound supportive. Will pushes up off the bed to stand.
“Thanks bro, but I don’t need your help.” He looks in the mirror and fixes his hair. I can tell he’s a little drunk which is probably why his emotions are everywhere. Because of Dan’s insane training schedule Will’s probably never had a proper drink, just like I hadn’t before coming to Astor. “Who knows maybe I’ll bone Lily’s hot friend just to piss her off… I think her name’s Olivia? Apparently Lily started a rumor that I’m going to ask the girl out anyway. Might as well give her what she wants.” He gives me a wink and a cocky grin. He goes to shut the door and my hand reaches out almost by instinct to stop it, slamming it shut. His hands fly up defensively. “Bro, what the fuck?”
“So what, you’re just going to revenge fuck this girl’s best friend? Is that it?”
His eyes search mine, clearly confused by my outburst. “I don’t see why you care, you don’t even know this girl.” He pauses, squinting at me. “Wait a minute… do you know this girl?”
“Don’t fucking talk to her, don’t talk about her, don’t even look in her general direction,” the venom drips from my words, shocking even myself as a somewhat primal instinct has taken over me.
“Stop telling me what to do, Ben. You don’t own the girl,” Will hisses pushing against me, trying to get me to lose my balance. I slam him back into the frame of the door.
“Dude, fuck off.” He shoves harder and I finally let go.
“You need fucking help man,” Will yells, slamming the door.
I sit down on the bed pushing my hands through my hair.What was that?I feel my heart rate picking up, fisting the sheetsand feeling myself start to panic. I lost control and took it all out on Will like I always do.
I don’t know what’s been causing these panic attacks. I’ve been getting them before every game and now whenever I talk to Will. I feel my lungs constrict and slowly move to go lock the door. I don’t want anyone seeing this. I lay myself on the bed and tuck my legs into my chest until I’m in the fetal position, trying to still my heart rate. I shut my eyes hard and try to think of anything to get my mind off the sensation of not getting enough air. I see that long brown hair barely touching her waist, her lips, those confident, intense eyes.
37
Olivia
I’m not the girl I was when I got to Astor. Too much has happened, sure, but that discounts the gravity of the passage of time. It discounts the natural aging and maturation process that I’ve been afforded. Lily never got the benefit of more time. She will forever be frozen as that eighteen year old girl, walking into the first kegger of the season, her best friend on her arm and a thousand wishes in her head. I started that year in a cloud of grief, the wishes I’d made alongside her buried deep inside me.
And that’s okay, I realize. Those grief yearswerethe time that passed. Theywerethe years in which I aged and matured. I’m not meant to be the girl I was before my life happened to me, and while I wish beyond anything that Lily was still here with me, I don’t wish to be frozen forever as the girl I was when she was here.
I park outside the diner and watch the moonlight glisten off the lake it sits by. Saying goodbye to Lily feels like ages ago, but it was only this morning that I sat on the sand, rifling through memory after memory of my best friend, Will of all people by my side. That I waded into the ocean and released the parts of her I’d been hoarding to myself in grief.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed to see Will until he showed up on the beach. I thought that what he needed from me was to disappear, to leave him alone. To let him process the last few months alone while I just silently dealt with what he did. What I didn’t realize was that he was processing so much more than the shitty end of our relationship.
I feel relief knowing he knew we were doomed from the start. There’d always been this foreboding sense the other shoe was going to drop with Will; I assumed it was going to be an affair, or some public scandal a few years into his professional basketball career. That’d I’d be moments away from a definitive career moment, and some shitty mistake he made would fuck it up and veer us off course. I lived in fear of the moment that Will decided he wanted more out of his relationship, wanted something different from me. Everything about our relationship was charted out in my head because on paper we were so, so perfect.
When I saw Will on the beach I, for a split second, remembered how perfect it felt in the beginning. How I quickly collated a future for us and how quickly he cosigned. But then I remembered that even from that seemingly innocent first moment, it was all built on lies. I know Will didn’t mean to hurt me. I guess maybe we’re even.
A door slams to my left and I’m brought back to the parking lot of Harbor Diner. I’m bone tired after today, but there’s nothing I want more than a steaming cup of Brad’s shitty diner coffee and a slice of apple pie.
I drag myself out of the car and toward the door, stopping short when I notice a familiar head of tousled brown hair face down at the booth to the right. Brad jumps up when he sees me, flinging the door open with his megawatt smile.
“Livy!” he exclaims, pulling me in for a hug. “It’s a little late for you, no?”
I distractedly check the time, only now realizing it’s 11:15 at night.
“Lots on my mind, Brad,” I say distractedly, my gaze settling on who I’ve now realized is Ben, fast asleep at my favorite diner.
My stomach feels like it could drop or float right out of me. The doorbell chimes behind me and I watch Ben’s head groggily rise from the table, his hand rifling through his hair as he reacquaints himself with his surroundings. His book falls shut; his eyes meet mine. Even from where I’m standing, I can see the bags under his eyes, can trace the ghost of a smile on his lips as he looks at me. I feel like I’m standing on the ledge of a mountain, terrified that I could fall, shaking with anticipation, giddy fear enveloping my heart.
I realize I’ve been standing in the entryway, staring across the diner at this man, for entirely too long. I walk toward his booth, hyper aware of each stride, as he stands, his lips pressing into a line.
“Olivia,” he says, his voice full of want and desperation, as if he’s been waiting for me his whole life, not just for a few hours in this diner.
“Ben,” comes out as almost a whisper as I take him in. He’s so handsome, even in his miserable state. His hair is wild as if he’s been running his hands through it all night, his face lined with sleep from laying it on the hard diner table, and even though it's not even midnight, he has circles under his eyes like he hasn’t slept in days. He takes a step toward me and I reflexively move back. His face is wounded and I instantly feel the icy walls around my heart begin to melt.
He motions to the bench across from him.
