He nods slowly, his eyes squinting, carefully assessing me.
“Did I ever tell you about my friend Harold?”Here we go, I think to myself, amused. My dad couldn’t simply give a sage piece of advice, or regale a straightforward crumb of wisdom. He had to tell you about a “friend.”
I give him a knowing smile, laughing despite myself. “Nope. Never heard of Harold until this very moment, actually.”
“Well, Harold was always hanging around this other guy we knew. Now, this was decades ago— we were a bunch of lowly L1s, desperate to get a good study room in the age of pen and paper sign up sheets. Ages ago, if you can even imagine it.” He laughs at his own joke.
My lips press together in amusement. “Go on.”
“Yes well, when I met him, he hadn’t met Seth yet. Hadn’t beentaintedso to speak. He was funny, sure of himself, a real hoot to be around. At some point he latched onto Seth— Seth who was certainly not a hoot. At least not as much of a hoot as Harold. Anyway, as much as Harold and Seth together were a good time, it was obvious he was playing second fiddle to Seth. Seth who, before meeting Harold, could barely get the courageto pick up at a bar! Really it was unbelievable.” He’s shaking his head at the very thought. “Well, year two comes along and we’re expecting the same sort of group to form, and Seth is nowhere to be found. Turns out, he transferred to a different program, didn’t even tell him. I was kind of relieved. I mean, Seth was kind of a drag. Harold, though— it was like he forgot how to be himself.”
“Well that’s fucking sad,” slips out of my mouth, and I cringe at my own profanity. To my surprise, my dad just raises his eyebrows. “I assume I’m Harold?”
He sputters, as if shocked that his parable was so transparent. “I… yes. But you didn’t let me finish!”
“Please do continue to tell me about my likeness to thepatheticHarold,” I say emphatically, crossing my arms. If I wasn’t so entertained, I’d be offended.
“Sweetheart,” he starts, moving toward me, his brows furrow. Hands on my shoulder, he gives me a soft shake. “Not pathetic. Human. Imperfect. You… Olivia, you loved Lily. I know you did. And if Lily was still here, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you two would still be thick as thieves. But I also know if she was here, neither of you would be the girls we sent off to Astor three years ago. And youshouldn’tbe.” He subtly pushes me down into one of the comfy armchairs across from the roaring fire, taking up residence in the one beside it. He takes a sip of his cider, staring into his mug for a moment, as if he’s reading tea leaves.
“The moment you came into this world, Olivia, you were just like your mom, maybe more aware of things outside your orbit, sure, but that same determination. I didn’t know a baby could be so determined. And that determination grew into a silent confidence; you just oozed it, Liv. Solve a Rubik's cube? Little Liv thinks she could do it if you just give her enough time. Brazenly took scissors to her hair when I wasn’t looking? It wouldcertainly be stylish by the time you came home from preschool the next day. It’s natural for that surety to diminish as you grow into adolescence but… I’d hoped college would be a time for you rediscover that part of yourself.”
“What do you mean?” I ask him, quietly.
“I… Lily was a great friend to you, and you to her. I don’t want you to think I didn’t see that. But you girls had a way ofbeingto each other that… I guess is what teenage girls do. That quiet confidence got so small, especially when Lily was around.”
“Yeah. I’m starting to realize there were many parts of myself that got small around Lily.” I feel the resentment start to rise, quickly followed by that acidic guilt. “It was just so hard not to compare myself to her; it was unconscious. She was this beautiful, idyllic, sprite of a person and I was me and I think teenage girls just… eat away at each other and call it friendship. I mean I love Lily, still. I can realize she was shitty to me and still love her, can’t I?” I ask him in earnest, like his answer could save me from what I’m feeling.
“Oh, Olivia,” he says, giving me his knowing smile. “Life is filled with realization after realization that the people we love the most have an immense capacity for being shitty to us.”
“Okay, well, that is bleak. I don’t know if I want the rest of this TED talk,” I admit, rolling my eyes.
“We are human, Olivia. Tell me. Were you never a poor friend to Lily?”
“I…” I think back to that definitive decade of my life, quickly scouring my mind for any stand out memories where I could’ve made her feel the way she made me feel. “I don’t know,” I say, defeated. How could I not know? I’m sure I was, but I’m blind to it.
“Lily was just a girl, just like you were just a girl. This idea you had of her— what did you say? An idyllic sprite? That wasn’t real, Olivia. That’s who she wasto you. Don’t you wonder whatthat might’ve been like for her? For the girl she probably also loved most in the world to have this imaginary bar set for her to reach?”
I pause, stunned by my dad’s assessment of me. It feels embarrassing. Like I’ve spent this semester ruminating on the worst parts of my friendship without acknowledging all the ways I’d played a role in those parts. I feel my eyes start to water and shut them hard.
I feel my dad's hand over mine. “Sweetheart, I only want you to accept what you had with Lily. I believe that, looking back, you realize that Lily did a lot to hinder you. But I also believe that, if you’re honest with yourself, you might discover ways you stifled her.” The observation hits me in my gut, but miraculously my tears start to dry and that acidic guilt begins to melt away. I’m breathing steadily, and while I don’t feel better, I feel clearer.
I open my eyes, turning to my dad. “Did Harold ever get back to himself?”
“There was nothing to get back to. Only somewhere to go, Olivia.”
36
Ben
Two years ago
“Yo get your nose out of that book, you're missing all the action.” Andy playfully shoves my book out of my hands, which I don’t find funny at all. I stand to my full height, a good five inches over his.
“Did you forget who the fuck I am?” I ask looking down at him.
He huffs a nervous laugh. “Chill, Cap— there’s just a lot of ladies here tonight, I thought maybe I could be your wingman.” He shrugs his shoulders, but I can see his body cringe away from me ever so slightly and I feel a little bad for him— I’m sure the rest of the team notices, too. I slap him hard on the shoulder.
“I’m just fuckin’ with you man. Who’s on the roster?” He grins and starts going on about some of the jersey chasers from last year.
