“Yes, Liv,” I tell her, pushing her hair back as my hand moves to cup the back of her head. “I’ve probably loved you since I saw you at that party.”
“Why doesn’t this feel like love, Ben?” Her weary eyes water, and I wish I could go back in time and do it all over.
“I would give anything to go back and do it differently. But I can’t. But now that you know?—”
“I’m not a good person, Ben.” She’s shaking her head as two more tears trail her cheek. “Who would do what I have done?”I wipe the tears away, my heart sinking as I start to understand what this is doing to her.
“Olivia, you didn’t know. That doesn’t make you a bad person— it makes you human.”
“I knew you were Will’s brother,” she says, somberly.
“And I knew you were his girlfriend.”
We let that— that which we’ve managed to mostly ignore— sit in the silence.
“He doesn’t care, Liv,” I finally say, tilting her head up to look at me. “I love you, Olivia Beckett. I don’t care how messy it looks, seems—is. Because Iloveyou. Isn’t that all that matters?”
That tortured look returns to her eyes just before she turns her head skyward, eyes closed. When she comes back to me, I already know. I already know I’ve lost her, and my mind is scrambling with what to do because Ican’tlose her.
“Olivia, don’t– ”
“Ben, I can’t love you when I don’t evenlikemyself,” she cuts me off, smiling sadly. “I’ve spent the past… forever, it feels like living in someone’s shadow. First Lily, then Will.”
“It wouldn’t be like that, Liv– it won’t be like that,” I try to convince her, my hand traveling to her waist and pulling her toward me.
“I can’t be with you like this,” she whispers, painfully. My head drops to hers, like being close to her would somehow change her assessment of our situation. “I need to figure my shit out,” she adds, stepping away from me. I stay grounded where I am, willing myself not to follow her, but reach for her hands.
“We can figure it out together, Liv,” I offer, softly.
“I need space from all of this. I need space fromyou.” She’s adamant and sad and sure and disappointed and defeated, and I know she means it. That she needs it.
“Okay, Liv,” I say, because if this is what she needs I want her to have it. I want her to be happy. But I also wanther, however long it takes. “But I’ll–”
“I don’t…” she starts to say, glancing away, shaking her head. “Don’t wait around for me, Ben. Please.”
All I can do is huff out a laugh as disbelief clouds my judgment.
“I aminlove with you Olivia,” I say for what feels like the thousandth time, each time falling on apparently deaf ears. “And you want me to do what? Just stop? It might have been better if I could but I can’t. I don’twantto anymore. You can have your space. You can take as long as you need. But until you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t feel this… force between us? I’ll keep waiting.”
I watch her jaw shift as she tries to stifle a tear; watch her head tilt up to stop the tear from falling; watch her throat bob as she swallows the emotion she’s holding in rather than sharing it with me; watch her sigh in resignation that I hope means I’ve got her, until she turns and just… walks away.
32
Olivia
The past few weeks have passed by in a haze, like some sort of fog has set in over me and I’m navigating the world, unable to shake it off. Ever since Ian released his story the entire campus seems to tip-toe around me, but I still hear their whispers, feel their stares wrap around my body. Ian was able to dig up more than I could’ve imagined. Reading the intimate details of Lily and Will’s relationship was like a knife to the heart, but even worse were the photos.
My best friend glistening next to Will on the beach; Lily standing next to Will; Ben and their parents at a home I’ve never been to, Will’s home. The betrayal has been this ever crushing force in my life since the story dropped and I can’t help but wonder: would she have told me?
I haven’t seen Ben since I told him I needed space, but I’m not sure if there’s enough space in the world to help me move on from this, because somehow his deception hurts the most. I allowed myself to fall so quickly with him and part of that was because I thought he was different. Like he was someone who finally saw me and would actually do whatever they could to keep me from getting hurt. The thought of him is a constant weight on my heart, so heavy that my every thought seems tohave slowed down. It’s hard when the person who hurt you the most also seems to be the only person who could make you feel better. I find myself craving his touch, his words, his attention and quickly have to push those feelings away. He lied to me.
My phone dings for the hundredth time with a text from Sloane. Now that the entire campus knows about this deranged love triangle, I’ve basically become a hermit. I’ve been bunkering down in my apartment, only leaving for baked goods and McDonald’s Diet Coke. I plan to stay here until I can leave for Thanksgiving break next week and I definitely don’t plan to see anyone.
My phone chimes again.
Sloane
I’m at your door!
