I find it hard to believe that Lily would have met Will or Gen that summer andnottold me about it. How had Will not have mentioned it at any point in the past two years? How would he have gotten away with lying to me over and over again our entire relationship? It just doesn’t make sense. Like she senses my spiral, Gen interrupts my internal reflection.
“She asked me not to say anything when I met you. And then I swear, I wanted to say something when you and Will got together, but he begged me not to, so I?—”
“Well, we know how you get when Will begs,” I cynically retort, attempting to disguise a feeling I haven’t felt since Lily passed. The feeling of being the last one to know; that feeling when you start to guess you might be the butt of the joke.
Gen flinches, clearly hurt. “Olivia, I know you can’t possibly understand what it is like to pine for someone you willneverhave, what it’s like to sit by while your childhood friend chooses everyonebutyou, but know this: I am actually sorry. I’m trying to be,” she pauses, searching for the right word, “better.”
“Well, he’s fair game now, Gen.”
“As if that matters,” she replies almost to herself, and her sadness outpaces mine. “He doesn’t want me, Olivia. He never has.”
And I actually pity her right now, because I do know what it is like to pine over someone I will never have. But at least he wants me. That might be worse. Thinking of Ben reminds me that Lily probably met Ben through them that summer, or vice versa, but it makes little sense because Will and Ben aren’t particularly close. I’m realizing I don’t know half of what I think I do.
“So you and Ben and Will used to party together? I find that hard to believe.”
“Ha!” she scoffs at my suggestion. “Yeah, no. Ben wasn’t around much that summer. I don’t know if Will was trying to have his own identity at Astor or what but he really pushed Ben away that summer, and Dan definitely didn’t help that.”
“What do you mean?” I ask, training my gaze on the cobblestone at our feet.
“Dan had Ben in an insane conditioning program that summer. He was barely around.” It’s unsettling to realize how little I know, how much everyone has hidden from me.
“Then how would he have met Lily?”
Her head cocks to the side again, like she is inspecting a broken clock. “Who, Ben?”
“Obviously, who else would I be talking about?” Her face is the picture of confusion but she answers anyway.
“I’m assuming when she met the family?” She says it as if it’s as obvious as water being wet.
“Family?” I ask, shaking my head to scatter the puzzle pieces that are disturbingly falling together.
“The Chapmans? Jesus Liv, follow along,” she rolls her eyes before realization dawns on her. “Oh… you think Lily was dating Ben.” Pity weighs heavily in her eyes. “Lily was dating Will, Olivia.”
“That can’t be true,” I say rapidly, squeezing the tips of my fingers together in a way I haven’t in a while.
She moves her mouth to the side as if I’m a child and she’s trying to break some horrifying news to me. “Olivia...”
“Gen, stop— I know it was Ben. His basketball number is literally scrawled on like half the things Lily owned,” I say, my frustration palpable. Gen silently raises her eyebrows.
“What?” I almost shout. I can feel tears rapidly coming to my eyes, feeling the worry seeping out of me as if I’m missing all of the details.
“I’m surprised she bought that, is all…” As if she can sense my confusion she continues, “Will and Ben… they have an interesting dynamic, as I’m sure you now know. But back then it was different. Will sort of idolized him. Like Ben was his literal hero— he wanted to basically be Ben when he grew up. That was the first summer he really tried to put space between them, tried to stand in his own spotlight. I think in an effort to impress Lily, Will… fabricated a few things.” She bites her lip. “Like, he may have told her he was the captain at Astor and said Ben’s number was his? I don’t know, he told so many lies that summer, and I guess after that summer too…” She eyes me cautiously, her gaze innocent as if she hasn’t just lit my entire world on fire.
Betrayal smashes into me like a choppy wave and the wall of grief that I’ve slowly been lowering the past few weeks threatens to crumble. I feel my stomach roil when I realize Lily dated my boyfriend, or no— reallyIdatedherboyfriend.
I should’ve known.How could I not know?
But I didn’t, because she never told me. He never told me. No one told me.
I feel my shoulders slump and I don’t even care that Gen of all people is seeing me deteriorate. I feel her eyes on me, appraising me as if to try and figure out what to say, but her silence tells me she’s coming up short.
Everyone’s been lying to you,that voice in my head chimes in.
Everyone’s been laughing at you. I squeeze my eyes shut and even though I know my anger should be directed at Will right now all I can see is Ben. I feel the parts of my heart that weren’t completely shattered start to break. Ben didn’t know Lily in the way I had assumed but still, he knew her.That’s what he meant by just give it time. It wasn’t his story to tell.But he lied. He sat there and watched as every person in my life lied to me. He lied to me.
The betrayal sits heavy on my chest.
“Gen, when did they break up?” I ask detached, not really wanting to know the ins and outs of their relationship but needing to understand at least the rough timeline.
