“AND THIRTY-TWO SCORES THE GAME POINT!” the announcer shouts over the intercom.
For all its prior clamoring, my heart simply stops. Ben’s joy is palpable as he gets a sweaty bear hug from Grant, Andy, andeventually the rest of the team. I watch Grant say something discreetly to him, right before Ben’s gaze finds mine. My eyes lock with Ben’s, his sheer excitement doing nothing to thaw how frozen I feel, and my legs make the decision to leave before my mind has time to think. I rapidly make my way down the bleachers and toward the door leading out of the gym.
Thirty-two. Thirty-two. Thirty-two.Thirty-two.
Ian was right about me because until now, I connected zero dots between the appliqué “thirty-two” patch in my Lily box, or the fact that it was part of the doodles she left on some of the notes I kept, and Ben’s number.
Thirty-two. I think I’m going to be sick.
When I reach the double glass doors, I realize it’s raining, water pouring from the sky.
“Olivia!” I hear Ben call from down the corridor.
I throw open the doors, running toward the parking lot as I try not to slip on the concrete.
I can’t do this. Not now. Maybe not ever.
I hear my name again, his voice piercing me through what feels like my heart, because I love him. I love him so much that I was blind to the truth: that hewasconnected to Lily. That he left shortly after Lily died because they were something to each other and the family crisis he kept mentioning was about her.
I finally reach my car, regretful tears pouring down my face, phantom-like pain lancing through my body. Just as I move to get in my car, his hand closes on my shoulder, and I melt into his touch despite myself.
I feel fragile, and now I’m drenched, cold seeping into my bones as I turn around and take him in. Water droplets fall from the tips of his eyelashes as he blinks in his best effort to clear his vision. He’s out of breath, not surprisingly tired after the game he just played and chasing me through a rainstorm. Those eyes I once let myself get lost in contort in confusion.
It hurts.Hehurts, standing there like the beautiful liar he is, looking at me like he cares about me.But he can’t, can he?At the thought, my face crumbles.
“Liv, please talk to me,” he says, my nickname the most endearing it’s ever sounded. Like I’m a child who should know better. His hand slides down my arm to meet mine, and I feel a tingle that turns into a flutter when it reaches my stomach. I shiver, partially from the cold, partially from his touch, and I shake him off, my lips pressing together until they feel numb.I wish I felt numb.
“What’s going on?” His eyes search mine for a response, his voice tinged with slight panic, and I know it’s because it’s true.
I try to blink away my tears, swallowing hard as I finally wade into reality.
“How did you know Lily?”
Shock briefly flickers over his face and I begin to hope I’m wrong, but his eyes shudder, and I know I’m not. I see his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows, and whatever hope I had that this was all an odd coincidence flits away.
“I was going to tell you ever?—”
“Please, stop,” I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut. “Why did you leave, Ben?”
“It’s complicated, Liv,” he pleads, moving towards me, but I take a step back. “Will said?—”
“Will? This is aboutyou, Ben— you and Lily.” The nausea from before climbs up my throat when I say their names together. “I have to go.”
“Olivia, please. If you just give it some time, I promise I’ll tell you everything. I just can’t—“ his hand caresses my shoulder as a turn away.
“Don’t,” I clip, my eyes once again welling with tears. “Don’t speak to me, ever again.”
I can see the twinge of pain in his eyes as I say it, but it’s nothing compared to the agony I feel at this moment. Distantly, Will calls my name as I get in my car, letting the door fall shut.
I don’t pause. I don’t glance up. I don’t look back. I drive home, wondering why the people I love never actually love me in return.
30
Olivia
Ben’s fingers brush the skin underneath the hem of my shirt, his lips whispering?—
My eyes fly open, the skin dream-Ben was touching feeling cold, and I’m reminded that he’s not actually here with me and never will be. He made sure of that when he hid his past life from me.
