“Ben— don’t.” I close my mouth at his interruption, letting him speak. “I know what you’re going to say so you don’t need to say it. I know I have been avoiding the whole Lily thing, I know I need to tell Liv, I know that I’m fucked in the head because of this entire situation.”
I sigh, trying to figure out how to find a way to phrase my words that won't escalate this conversation, because he’s not exactly wrong. I turn my chair slightly to face him.
“Will, I love you. I know you have good intentions, but the lies?—”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Ben— you lied, too.” He pushes up out of the seat and moves toward the sink, holding his coffee cup.
I blink, a little shocked. “I only lied to Olivia because I wanted to give you a chance to figure things out yourself. I wanted to let you do the right thing.”
Will shakes his head laughing slightly, setting his coffee cup carefully on the counter, turning to face me. “I’m not talking about you lying to Liv. I’m talking about you lying to me.”
My stomach sinks because I know he’s right. That what I did was wrong. Even if I believe that Will and Olivia weren’t meant to be together, I still was the one who came in and fucked everything up.
“Ben,” he rubs his hand over his face in an effort to calm down. “You always do this.”
“Always do what?” I scan his face trying to understand what he’s talking about.
“You come in and you take and you take and you take. I’ve never had anything that was mine, you know that? I have nothing left to give Ben, you took it all. My girl, my game, hell even my dad respects you more than he’s ever respected me. Mom won’t even look at me!”
It’s surprising, how I’ve never really seen it this way but looking back, I know he’s right. He’s always been on the back burner, always in second place and I put him there. It was so drilled into us as kids to never let anyone win, even each other. So much so that I never threw him a bone. Any scrimmage we played, I never let him take an easy shot. I never let him get with a girl without letting him know how easily I could take her. Hell, I even held my relationship with my mom over his head, checking up on him because she couldn’t do it herself.
My stomach churns at the memories. I breathe in a steady breath knowing that I’ve changed, knowing that I’m not that guy anymore. But actions speak louder than words and thus far my actions show how little I’ve actually evolved. He sits back down, arms crossed as he waits for me to respond.
“I’m sorry,” my voice is shaky as I meet his gaze. I feel the edges of my eyes burn with tears, my face hot with shame and embarrassment. “Will, I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I know how it used to be and I really worked to change, even if my actions don’t reflect that.” I say more to myself than him. “When I came back I didn’t think about how my return would affect you and that was wrong.”
“No, Ben— “ his tone is serious, solemn even. “When youleftyou didn’t think about how it would affect me. Didn’t consider that I would be alone here with justDanin my ear after Lily’s death, begging me to show him that I’m just the failure he’s always known I was.” His eyes cloud with frustration and pain. He pushes his hand through his hair and takes a long drink of his coffee. Setting his mug down gingerly, he meets my eyes. “You left me, Ben. Just like mom. Just like Lily. Olivia never left me, she saw me and she stayed. That was, until you got here.”
It feels like he just jabbed me. The revelation of how my departure hurt Will never really struck me before. My stomach immediately sinks. He’s right. Everything he’s saying is right and I’ve been too selfish to see it. Too obsessed with fixing my own issues to see the hand he’s been dealt.
“I don’t blame her,” he continues. “It was only a matter of time. I keep thinking of that night.” A sad laugh escapes him. “The night Lily died was also the night I met Liv. You were there.” He shakes his head sadly as if trying to forget the memory.
“I remember,” I say, my voice gentle.
“Do you remember telling me to stay away from her?”
I meet his eyes. His gaze isn’t angry, but like he’s searching for an answer. “I do.”
His expression turns to something like understanding.
“Ben, I know you are in love with her. It’s obvious. I think I knew it that night.” He lets out a sad laugh. “What’s weird is I’m not even mad. I think I knew it would hurt you, if I had her first. I knew it would hurt Lily, too.” I move my eyes down to the floor not knowing where to look. He’s sitting in one of the kitchen chairs and I finally decide to look at him. He seems to have calmed down, his emotions waning to the point that he looks exhausted.
“I’m so sorry, Will.” His gaze meets mine and we stare at each other for a minute before he lets out a long sad sigh.
“Ben, I was going to destroy everything. Olivia, our parents, myself, everything. Eventually, I would have done something to make her leave. To make everyone turn their back on me. I never loved Olivia the way I did Lily. She just… I don’t know… she made me feel safe?” He’s looking at his hands now with a sad smile. “I think I need to leave Astor, Ben. I can’t keep doing this. Living this lie, hurting the people I love.” He says the last part quietly and I feel the tears well up in my own eyes as I look at my little brother. It’s hard to fault a man who was never shown love for not giving it greatly. “I haven’t been good to her, Ben. I do it to Gen, too and she’s been our friend for as long as I can remember. I can’t stop myself from pushing people away, but I want to try. I can’t keep living like this.” He looks at me, desperation apparent in his eyes.
I wipe the tears now streaming down my own face. “Will, I’m here for you. What do you need?”
“We need to tell her, Ben. I need to have a clean slate to come back to and I can’t if Olivia doesn’t know everything.”
I nod and for the first time in a while, I feel something like hope.
29
Olivia
I walk into the somewhat organized chaos that is now the newspaper office. Papers are in neat stacks spread all over the office with a few rogue coffee cups perched on them. A crazed Ian sits on the Senior Editor desk, his baggie Sonic Youth hoodie chic in a grunge sort of way, but rather casual for Ian. It’s clear he hasn’t left this office much, and I’m curious what has him in such a state. Coming by here isn’t really a requirement, as long as I’m getting my pieces in with enough time for edits before we go to print, and all I’ve really had going is my style column.And the Ben story, I remind myself.
Setting my iced americano on my no longer pristine desk, I duck my head trying to catch Ian’s attention.
