“It’s okay Liv, not all of us have the genes to walk the runway, some of us have to be the brains behind the operation,” Lily winks.
My gut roils as I push the tape off the table. I find the deck of cards Lily used to teach me to shuffle during one spring break and the yearbook from seventh grade that I used a Sharpie to color my face out of instead of signing my name at our end of year celebration.
To my left is the beaded pouch she got at the beach our last summer together. I run my hands against it considering how it felt like everything changed that summer, how distant she was. She was sneaking out, not inviting me to any of the parties she was going to. Like she wanted to separate herself from me completely. My mind reels thinking about one of the nights I tried to go with her.
“Let me come with you.” I place my book down, moving to grab a dress out of my closet to go to one of the beach bonfires Lily has been sneaking out to over the past month
“It’s not really your scene, Liv.” She doesn’t glance at me applying lipstick in the vanity mirror.
“Cmon. We’ve barely hung out this whole summer… Why don’t you want me there?” I feel the flush spread against my face as I whine. I’ve really grown into myself this past year, I realize as I look over her shoulder into the vanity mirror. My hair is shoulder length but growing, my teeth newly straight from years in braces. I’m still tall, but my face and body have slimmed out considerably. I squint my eyes really trying to see what flaws Lily might be seeing.
“Olivia, chill.” She’s looking at me over her shoulder like I’ve just had some sort of outburst and not just asked her a simple question. Seeing what I’m sure is insecurity flickering over me she gives me a faux pout then quickly stands straightening her mini dress.
“Look— this has nothing to do with you. I told you I am on an independence journey this summer! Besides, I’m dumping someone tonight so the vibe will be off.” She saunters over and grabs my shoulders. “Liv, I love you, you know that.” I look down at my socked feet, embarrassment rolling off me. She nudges me, her voice softening. “Sometimes, I just need to be able to do my own thing. I’m always here if you need me, but I just need to know you’re going to be okay when I’m not around.”
I feel my stomach turn the same way I did that night, but this time it’s different. She needed to know I’d be okay without her and I never gave that to her. Guilt instantly washes over me.
Lily is gone—myLily.
I glance over again at the photo of us as girls, rollers haphazardly in our hair, our makeup glittery and over dramatic, and I stare at it for a while. She was just a girl and so was I.
I decide to keep some of the photos out and open the beaded pouch to store them. Inside is a neatly folded piece of paper and a woven bracelet I recognize from one of the boardwalk vendors from that final summer with her. I throw the bracelet back in the box and am about to trash the paper but decide to open it, curiosity taking over. It’s a receipt.
You’re perfect, I love you.
The script is clean and neat, definitely not Lily’s, but I recognize her random doodling on the edges. I squint, re-reading the restaurant’s name:Albert’s on the Boardwalk.My eyes widen realizing this is the exact restaurant Ben was talking about earlier. I feel the corners of my mouth lifting in a smile as my eyes well with tears. In a weird way, I feel like this is some sort of sign from my friend. Like she wanted me to find this and know that all those details I needed to share about my date with Ben were heard. That she’s always been here when I’ve needed her. That she knows I'm going to be okay.
26
Ben
Wednesday mornings, and by extension Wednesdays themselves, are unreasonable. We’re expected to be in the weight room by 5:30 in the morning, only to condition on the, thankfully, indoor track an hour later. This is in addition to the normal practice we have in the afternoon. So the fact that Grant and I barely speak a word to each other until we’re halfway through our fourth set of the morning isn’t wild. What is wild is the haggard look on Grant’s face. He’s not a morning person, but the tortured expression I see every time I sneak a glimpse at him is haunting considering he’s usually so… okay.
I can’t say I look much better. I was happy walking into the gym this morning after leaving Olivia’s, walking on air even, but one look at Will and my mood immediately deteriorated. The past few weeks with Olivia have been some of the best of my life, but seeing Will across the weight room is like a sucker punch to the gut. I feel like my entire life is tangled in this web of lies, from hiding the truth about how I know Lily, to keeping my relationship with Olivia from Will. Seeing my brother is an ugly reminder of the mess we’ve both created. I feel that familiar sensation in my chest, the one that's been missing the past few weeks with Olivia. My heart rate feels jumpy as I keep pushingmyself harder on the rower, trying to focus on a point on the wall to bring myself back to reality.
I wish I could tell him I don’t know when it happened. When she became this agonizingly, desperately integral part of my life, but that would be a lie, wouldn’t it? She’s consumed my every thought since the second I laid eyes on her. I’ve been pushing away this feeling ever since I saw Will that Christmas. He was alive for the first time after all the shit that transpired after Lily’s death, not the Will I knew but not a ghost of himself either. I was relieved, initially, but when he told us about Olivia, I felt something settle inside me— this weight that I’ve carried every day since. I decided, that day, that this is how she would get to be a part of my life. My parents on the other hand werenotrelieved, in fact quite the opposite. Olivia was Lily’s best friend and if you polled my mother and Will’s dad, it was disturbing and just wouldn’t do; not after all they’d done to ignore Will’s “association” with “that girl.”
That’s what Lily was to my parents, but that’s not who she was to Will. If you’d asked me who Lily was to Will that summer, I would’ve told you that she was everything. So putting my feelings aside for a girl I saw once at a party seemed like a no-brainer. I took the words of my therapist and ran with them. Olivia was my fixation, something I equated to a perfect life, impossible to achieve.
I knew that night in the bar, after watching Olivia, the stunning, confident, mind boggling woman become this wilted version of herself— I knew I should tell her. I needed to tell her.
Looking at my little brother, I know why I haven’t. He’s the reason I’ve kept my mouth shut. It’s hard to reconcile how I see him with how the world does, this arrogant asshole who betrays the woman he apparently loves with the boy I grew up with who just wanted to have a moment of his dad’s attention that didn’t center around his success at throwing a ball in a basket.Still, there’s this shadow looming and I think allowing Will to continue this lie has ended up hurting him more than helping him.
It’s time to move on. Coach’s voice wrenches me from my thoughts.
“Chapman, Cabot. Weights, now.” Will moves to the machines with a clenched jaw. I feel the panic pick back up in my chest and I count the steps to the weight rack. It was inevitable, having to talk to Will today, and yet the nerves in my chest erupt. I know we need to talk. I need to convince him to tell Olivia the truth. I bite down my emotions, forcing myself to start the conversation.
“I’ll take the forty-fives.” Will's voice is flat as he gestures to the plates on the rack beside me. I pull them off, putting them on the machine for Will.
“Recovery day, huh?” He looks up at me, his eyes cold before diverting his gaze back to the wall. “How have you been?” I don’t have to fake the emotion when I ask because I am genuinely concerned. I’ve heard he's been drinking a lot and sleeping around, which I sort of expected. What I didn’t expect was to see Will show up to practice looking like a shell of himself, the way he did when Lily died. His jaw twitches as he begins his set.
I roll my lips together knowing the small talk isn’t going to get us anywhere so I blurt it out.
“I think you should tell her.”
Will freezes mid rep, his eyes moving to mine. His voice is a raspy whisper like he hasn’t spoken all morning.
“Ben, stop.”
